Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Catwoman (Vol. 4), Issue #5 – “This has got to be dirty.”! So far this isn’t nearly as terrible as Red Hood and the Outlaws, but we still have time. In the previous installment, Catwoman is able to escape the police by throwing a bottle of rum into a fireplace! Like real life.

During Lola’s funeral, Selina catches up with an old friend named Gwen who makes her realize that she needs to start doing all her fencing alone so that none of her friends get wrapped up in her shit anymore.

While stealing some shit from drug dealers, Catwoman encounters a lady named Reach who can zap electricity from her hands. Reach proceeds to zap Catwoman 30,000 feet in the air for no reason other than, I don’t know, she felt like it? So how is Catwoman going to get out of this pickle before she either falls to her certain death OR gets sucked into a jet engine? Maybe some kids in a passing hot-air balloon will throw pretzels at her.

Catwoman (Vol. 4), Issue #5 [March, 2012]
Written by: Judd Winick
“This has got to be dirty.”

Catwoman is always torn up and bloodied. Is that supposed to be sexy, you fucking sickos?

Years ago, a young and green Selina starts freaking out during a burglary because the people who shouldn’t be there at the time are, in fact, being there at the time. Her buddy, Gwen, is equally freaked out. Their mentor, a woman by the name of I DON’T KNOW THEY DIDN’T SAY tells them to shut it. Getting caught is the fun part!

Today, and in the very immediate present, Selina is falling, falling, falling. “Options — options – options?! The whip! The whip! Yeah – the whip! Gotta whip something.”

Head down, ass cheeks in the air, she smiles as she hits other-way-around escape velocity. She’s landing near a construction site, so she is able to whip onto the end of a crane, not break the whip at all, bounce around the place, and come out with a small scratch on her elbow. While this all happens, she reiterates that her friend Lola is dead because of her and that she is very sad about it.

Reach is still hanging out, and Catwoman is scared because Reach is scary. “That was impressive,” she says. “And this is coming from a metahuman who fires anti-gravity beams from her hands.”

With a newfound respect, Catwoman and Reach become BFFs and go get ice cream. But not until Catwoman can get her dislocated shoulder back in its socket. She does it with a “COONK”, which is very cool onomatopoeia. I coonked your moms last night, dear readers.

So now that all her injuries have been managed, Catwoman still has the Reach problem to take care of. Reach offers to leave her alone if she stops her heist that I completely forgot about and walks away. Catwoman will also owe her a couple of favors. Catwoman gives Reach a big fuck-you in the form of a boot to the face! CRACK! TUNG! SCRAA-ACK! “That’s not how I roll. When people try to kill me I don’t hop into bed with them a tick later.”

Unless it was Batman, of course. If he threw a poison dart at her jugular vein you’d bet she’d get her bone on before she lost consciousness.

“I JUST KICK THEIR ASS! I’M FUNNY LIKE THAT!”

HA HA HA!! I’M LAUGHING! HA HA HA HA HAAAA!! IS ANYONE ELSE LAUGHING?? I DON’T HEAR ANYONE ELSE LAUGHING!!!

With Reach’s ass kicked, apparently, Catwoman walks away with a newfound sense of (fleeting) satisfaction with her bag of money that she had from the heist she did I guess.

What’s going on at the Gotham City Police Department?! Good old GCPD! No Jimmy Jim Gordon today, just Detective Alvaraz with his craaaazy theories! All seventeen of his open cases? All Catwoman. Check the forensic evidence, Lieutenant! *dumps a bag of jelly beans on his desk*

“Not now!” screams the Lieutenant Whatever His Name Is. Super Lieutenant Chalmers. He walks into a room with Detectives Mulrooney, David, and Ester. “This has got to be dirty,” Alvaraz says with a stupid scowl on his face. When lieutenants walk into rooms with detectives, it’s never good I always say.

With his stupid scowl on his face, Alvaraz eavesdrops through the closed door. Apparently, this Cat-like Woman has the duffel bag! The duffel bag from the Mission Bay Heist! The Mission Bay Heist! Did you get that? I’ll say it louder. THE MISSION B–

Alvaraz knows that the heist money is supposed to be in the evidence locker. He walks away to check while Lieutenant Fartface confirms that there was $425,000 in that god-durned bag.

Elsewhere, this shocks Selina “Gomez” Kyle to her very core! This isn’t just some drug money, this is hella drug money. She’s gonna be in deep shit, and someone is definitely going to be looking for it.

And for the love of God, don’t lick it. Don’t lick the money. That’s how you get the dreaded syphilis.

But then she decides that it would be fun to try and get caught! Whatever.

So she spends her money on massages, expensive champagnes, manicures, eight-course meals, and all the finest manwhores Gotham City has to offer!

The masseur strikes up a conversation:

“How did you say you hurt your shoulder?”

“Tennis.”

“That must have been some match.”

“Dude, I almost died.”

So after more flirtatious lying, she tips a large amount of money to a serving woman, who shows it to her boss, who uses a computer to match it with stolen drug money, who calls the police. All in the span of about 45 nanoseconds. All the while Selina is like “no one’s going to find out this fast lol”.

So the serving woman excuses herself and announces an emergency staff meeting to all personnel. They leave Selina alone in the room. “This ain’t good,” she thinks.

Then the police arrive in 43 nanoseconds.

OH NO, IT’S THE S.W.A.T. TEAM BOBA FETTS!

And she’s already gone. Jumping around like Catwoman again.

“Okay, this went bad very quickly. There’s at least eleven ways I can think of that I screwed this up, but none of them would bring in the cops.”

Idiot.

Miraculously, she jumps three stories and lands on a motorcycle. She goes down one alley and finds a barricade of cop cars in her way.

And as she spends the next few pages trying to avoid millions of cop cars that have flanked every street and park of the entirety of Gotham, Catwoman realizes that she didn’t steel drug money. She stole dirty cop money.

She crashes her bike and gets cornered by about five dozen cops with their guns drawn.

“I am so screwed.”

Final Thoughts

Yeah, no shit. Dumbass.