Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #9 – “Teenage Wasteland (Chapter 3)”! In the previous installment, the kid from the convenience store robbery is named Topher and the crew scoops him up to join their own team. “Topher” is the worst name ever and I would’ve personally left him to get scooped up by the police and then judged by God!

Topher spends about two minutes in the hideout before he and Nico start sucking each other’s faces in Nico’s room. Alex spies on them through a painting on the wall! Scandalous!

Meanwhile, Alex’s parents have received the convenience store surveillance footage and know that their kid and his friends are hanging out near Los Feliz. A spanking is coming forthwith!

The Runaways have no real gameplan yet other than “run away” and “entangle themselves in relationship drama”, so I don’t think there’s going to be much more going on here in Issue #9 either. Call it a hunch.

Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #9 [February, 2004]
Written by: Brian K. Vaughan
“Teenage Wasteland (Part 3)”

”The Hostel”, Bronson Canyon, California – 2:35am

Don’t these kids get any sleep? 2:35am? Why are we making out at 2:35am when we could be getting a GOOD NIGHT’S REST like normal out-of-control children?

Yes, Nico and Topher are locking lips while Alex is hiding six feet away. “Why?…” he whispers to himself, forgetting some easy answers like “why not” and “because you’re boring”.

“Topher, stop,” Nico says, pushing him away like so much rotting, stinking fruit. “This… this isn’t right.” Confusing teenage hormone stuff! The prospect of penises and vaginas CO-MINGLING really fucks a kid up like that.

“Ahem… Everything okay up here?” Alex has entered the room, glaring. Nico says everything is fine. Topher gets up to go to the bathroom right in his diaper. Also, he’s out of here to find a room. Bye.

“Nico, you and I need to talk,” Alex says, brow furrowed. He’s gonna lay down some MAN shit on her, probably. Like HOW CAN YOU DO THIS TO A NICE GUY LIKE ME?! Pathetic.

Meanwhile, the rest of the group are getting themselves into some very exciting shenanigans.

Yeah, well, he’s working his way up to pentagons.

Talkback uses his gloves to create a fiery stick figure with a dress right as Topher enters the room. “GAHHH!” he is heard to yelp. “Did you see that?! It was some kind of… of flaming monkey!” And, of course, Talkback takes offense to this. “It wasn’t a monkey, new kid. It was a blazing samurai.”

Monkeys and blazing samurai aside, Molly/Bruiser is sleeping and everyone needs to pipe down while she snores and drools all over everybody. At least one kid is sleeping like she should.

What am I, the sleep police?

Yes.

“Speaking of which,” says Topher, “it’s almost three in the morning. When do the rest of you… rest?”

“I saw my parents kill a girl, and then I found a dinosaur in my basement,” Gert responds. “I haven’t slept in four days.”

Talkback’s got the right idea on his new routine: stay up until 7am, listen to Howard Stern, then sleep for nine hours. Fucking A, dude. A man after my own heart!

Topher goes to bed. Talkback is nice for a panel and assures Topher that they’ll find his parents. Good night, buttercup.

Back to Nico and Alex? *GRROOOAAN* Nico this, Alex that, Nico did something unforgivable, Alex knows, Nico asks why, Alex says he saw, Nico gets mad and accuses him of spying on her, Alex backpedals, Nico says that maybe she’s glad she kissed Topher, Alex is hurt, Nico disappears in a puff of smoke. We’ve all had this kind of interaction before.

You’re so cute when you’re waving around your terrifying crimson vape staff.

Now Talkback is sleeping along with Bruiser. Arsenic is annoyed. Alex pops in to ask Arsenic if she’s seen Nico. Arsenic is like “You mean Sister Grimm?” Alex tells her to shut the fuck up and huff puff he’ll find her himself. Thanks for nothing, Purple Hair.

Meanwhile, Nico hides by an upstairs banister, angrily spying on Alex. I love teenage drama, don’t you? Really gets me going.

Topher ambles the hallways and bumps into Lucy in the Sky in her own quarters. Topher apologizes. “I’ve been trying to find a place to sleep, but every room looks like it’s about to collapse in this wing.”

So he enters to room and they bond a little bit. Topher likes her Lucy in the Sky nickname because he likes the Beatles. Lucy in the Sky barely likes the Beatles and she barely listens when he keeps talking about the Beatles. Then she sniffs back tears.

Lucy in the Karolina tries to hold it back, but Topher in the Bedroom is curious. Alien shit, dude. There’s been a lot to take in over the last few days. “See, it’s not just my parents. I’m also trying to deal with the fact that I’m an al—a mutant. The fact that I’m a mutant.”

Oh, hot damn! Mutants are totally sexy! He tries to make her feel better, but she’s in full-on rant mode now. “And to make matters worse, I think I’m starting to… to fall for somebody here, but they’re already interested in somebody else.”

I’m fucking glad that she immediately denies it’s Alex, because that kid seriously sucks. It’s not Topher either, because he’s too new and he smells like old bologna. “But… maybe you are sorta cute? I guess?” She bites her lip. “I just want to feel normal, you know? I want something to feel the way it’s supposed to feel.”

Then she jumps his bones. Lays a wet one right on him. And now it’s Nico’s turn to be the spier!

Man, just give me two minutes alone in a room with Topher and I might just kiss him next.

“This isn’t… I don’t even know what’s going on. I was just trying to help Karolina deal with the face that she’s a mutant, and–”

“Oh. Is that what she told you she is?”

Whoops! Uh-oh! Shit’s going south fast! Before Nico has a chance to spill the beans, Karolina rips off her diabetes bracelet and because shiny and fly-y. “Be quiet!” she yells, blasting Nico with light. Topher’s getting nervous and tells her to relax, because that’s always a good idea. Telling a woman to relax.

Nico counters with a staff blast of mud to Karolina’s face.

“What is wrong with you?” Karolina asks.

“Me?! You’re the one kissing my guy!”

“Your guy? What about Alex? How many guys do you have?”

Heh, well, Topher picked a bad day to insert himself in this little drama club. Next, Arensic the Gert enters the room with her dinosaur. “Knock it the #*@% off! Have both of you gone completely insane-o?”

Karolina and Nico point to each other. “She started it!”

Gertsenic turns to Topher. “I don’t know how you sucked all the girl power out of this place so fast, sport, but maybe you should just–”

Eat a sandwich? Gert doesn’t get to finish. Nico starts screaming – the staff has lodged itself back in her chest. Karolina freaks out, but Alex now enters the room…

I’m burning this hellhole to the ground and taking you all with me.

“Nico and I figured out that her body reabsorbs her staff after every couple of uses.”

Cool story, bro. Nobody asked you to show up and MANSPLAIN everything, dude. Nico barrels out of there angry. Gert urges Alex not to follow her. Give her some space. Let her play a little hacky sack. Maybe some Nintendo. I know there’s one in this collapsed hotel somewhere, right? Who’s up for a little Super Mario Bros. 3? Eh? Eh?

Meanwhile, Alex’s parents are still poring over their computer, this time trying I identify the convenience store robbers. Perhaps two of them are mutants due to their strength, speed, and dashing good looks. The Drs. Hayes, with whom the Wilders are having a nice little Skype call, disagree. “These lowlifes probably just stumbled onto a cursed artifact, or… or a radioactive meteorite. You know, the usual.”

Feh. Wilder turns to Ms. Dean through a magic mirror, who resents the notion that they could be aliens. Aliens wouldn’t do piddling crimes like robbing 7-Eleven, come on now.

Feh. Wilder turns to Mr. Stein, who found out that there are fingerprints from 1939 on the recovered weapons.

Feh. Wilder turns to Mrs. Yorkes, who denies that time-travelers are responsible. “As far as I know, Dale and I are the only time-travelers who have pierced the fourth dimension during the last temporal phase.

Feh feh feh. The Minorus have an idea of what’s going on here. They turn to Wilder: “…but we don’t think you’re going to like it.”

We end with Topher following Nico through the woods. Alone. Nico apologizes for her behavior, but Nico tells her to think nothing of it. “Hey, you want to know a secret?” Topher smiles. “Those two people I was with at the Circle A… they weren’t really my parents, and they didn’t get their powers from some ‘industrial accident’.”

They, in fact, got their powers from Topher!

*dun dun dun*

Topher, who bares his teeth, showing razor-sharp vampire fangs…

Final Thoughts

Oh dags, dude, have we entered the Buffyverse? This is Los Angeles after all. Maybe Angel will show up and cry.