What? March is too late to post a 2023 retrospective list on all the albums I listened to but didn’t review? Go fuck yourself! Here are my one-sentence reviews!

Aetherian – At Storm’s Edge
Woefully unoriginal and fairly uninteresting melodic death metal from… Greece, which is actually kinda cool.

Afterbirth – In but Not of
Harsh vocals that sound like piggy snorts over a wide range of experimental sonic textures and explorations!

Agriculture – Agriculture
An interesting mix of aggressive blackgaze, heavy traditional metal shredding, and even some squeaky saxophone here and there.

Anachronism – Meanders
Slabs of dissonant death metal that I didn’t spend enough time with, but don’t really want to either!

…and Oceans – As in Gardens, So in Tombs
…and Oceans has lost their way since their exciting industrial black metal beginnings, now they just sound dull and lifeless.

Andrea Orlando – La Scienza delle Stagioni
Pleasant piano-based prog rock from Italy, but it’s too damn long and too damn uninteresting for how too damn long it is.

Andrew Hung – Deliverance
Interesting musical ideas marred by earnestly overdramatic singing and lyrics, and I wish this guy would go back to his Fuck Buttons project.

Animal Collective – Isn’t It Now?
America’s most overrated indie rock band of all time comes through with what seems like a collection of Time Skiffs B-sides, but there are occasional moments of brilliance.

Antrisch – EXPEDITION II: Die Passage
Black metal, nothing more, nothing less.

The Armed – Perfect Saviors
The Armed are weird, and they made a weird alt rock album, and I’m fine with it if you are.

Ars Moriendi – Lorsque les coeurs s’assèchent
Kind of this mild, black/doom metal project that took me a while to get into due to its relative slowness and monotone dynamics, but it’s kinda cool I guess.

Avey Tare – 7s
Hey, the guy from Animal Collective who isn’t Panda Bear makes a lot of aimless music that nobody cares about!

Baroness – STONE
Baroness sounds like power metal Queens of the Stone Age now?!?!

bdrmm – I Don’t Know
I’m torn, because on one hand bdrmm incorporates many varied influences into their shoegaze sound (ambient, dream pop, synth rock, and dance), but on the other hand I’d rather listen to My Bloody Valentine.

boygenius – the record
Phoebe Bridgers, Julien Baker, and Lucy Dacus are certainly three musicians.

Brutalismus 3000 – ULTRAKUNST
Hyperactive Berlin techno that reminds me a bit of Crystal Castles at times, and when’s the last time you heard about Crystal fucking Castles?

Bully – Lucky for You
Bully’s Alicia Bognanno takes pop punk, riot grrrls it up back to the ’90s, and spits it right in your fucking face.

Cannibal Corpse – Chaos Horrific
If you’re looking for chunky, old school death metal with no frills or bells and whistles, then you can always count on Cannibal Corpse to deliver as chunk-style as you want it.

Carnosus – Visions of Infinihility
Twisty technical death metal that doesn’t get too lost in wankery or sterility (unlike yours truly, thank you, and good night).

Chai – CHAI
I heard that Chai is breaking up because they’re making no money on their project, which is a shame because their albums are all pretty groovy keen.

Chained to the Bottom of the Ocean – Obsession Destruction
This ruthless slab of claustrophobic, sludgy goodness should have been in my Top 25 list had I gotten to it sooner.

Cherry Glazerr – I Don’t Want You Anymore
Sleepy throwback shoegaze-y indie pop that misses the mark on, you know, being interesting.

The Circle – Of Awakening
Doomy metal with just the right vocal style to keep it from being a complete dirgy slog, but I still won’t be listening to this much.

Convocation – No Dawn for the Caliginous Night
Not only do I have really sweet, emotionally resonant funeral doom metal album on my hands (which is saying a lot as someone who is not too fond of the genre), but I got to learn the word “caliginous” (look it up yourself, damnit).

Deerhoof – Miracle-Level
There are three guarantees in life: death, taxes, and consistent Deerhoof albums.

Deposed King – One Man’s Grief
Prog rock with a electronic/trip-hop backbone, which is definitely not something you hear everyday and deserves that big ol’ green circle.

Disguised Malignance – Entering the Gateways
Old school Morbid Angel-esque death metal with cool riffs, but it’s not anything you haven’t heard from a million bands already.

DJ Danifox – Anseidade
I don’t know, man, I can’t get behind a guy who calls himself “Danifox” and not being really named “Dani Fox”, because that would rule.

DJ Gigola – Fluid Meditations
Less talky more singy, I don’t need a new age therapy session.

Dødheimsgard – Black Medium Current
I really, really, really wanted to like this more than I did, but the band has done better and a lot of the album felt like filler.

Downfall of Gaia – Silhouettes of Disgust
Post-metal, death doom, a little bit of crust punk, lots of bleak riffage, and a Hello Kitty tote bag.

Dying Fetus – Make Them Beg for Death
Oh, hey, it’s another Dying Fetus album.

Enslaved – Heimdal
Enslaved, I love you, but you’re not doing anything new or interesting with your sound anymore.

FaithXtractor – Contempt for a Failed Dimension
Hard-hitting death metal that proves, once and for all, that Faith X Tractor = Fun!

feeble little horse – Girl with Fish
Noisy, dreamy, chaotic, restrained, a whole bunch of stuff while staying tight and satisfying like a [censored]!

Feist – Multitudes
Yo, I think Feist is kind of boring, so why did I listen to this?

Fires in the Distance – Air Not Meant for Us
Fires in the Distance made melodic death metal that actually has hooks, what a concept!

Forest Swords – Bolted
This collection of atmospheric electro-industrial will be the soundtrack to Metroid Prime 7 in the year 2061!

Frankie and the Witch Fingers – Data Doom
A great band to turn to if you’re not satisfied with Osees putting out only 17 albums per year.

Frozen Crown – Call of the North
Giada Etro is cute (important) and has a killer voice (more important), but… man… it’s power metal.

Frozen Soul – Glacial Domination
The synths that make this death metal feel “frozen” and/or “dominated” by “glaciars” are too few and and far between to get that type of atmosphere, but it’s otherwise pretty cool.

Gazelle Twin – Black Dog
I call this one “ethereal lady noises” and she peaked with her second album Unflesh.

Geese – 3D Country
This record is kind of a mess, but it is fun in its own right and at least they seem to be a band who is willing to try something radically different as the years go by.

Glasser – Crux
Shiny and shimmery, subdued and delicate, positively Björky!

Gravesend – Gowanus Death Stomp
Frenetic grindcore that begins with the sound of flies buzzing and ends with the sound of flies buzzing and also me hitting replay on my 1979 Sony Walkman TPS-L2, son.

Guided by Voices – La La Land
Look, describing a Guided by Voices album is an exercise in trying not to repeat oneself, so let me just say that this is a good album and we can continue.

Guided by Voices – Welshpool Frillies
Whoops, déjà vu!

Hasard – Malivore
This one-man avantgarde black metal project is so mind-twisting and chaotic that, if this were a rollercoaster, you’d be dead in seconds!

Hellripper – Warlocks Grim & Withered Hags
Tight, relentless blackened speed metal with no filler and lots of the opposite of filler, and there’s even an accordion at one point!

The Hold Steady – The Price of Progress
Nine albums in, and I’ll never get tired of Craig Finn’s blue collar Bruce Springsteen-esque storytelling, even if I don’t even understand or resonate with half of it.

Holy Wave – Five of Cups
“Holy Wave”, more like “Holy Fucking Shit” is this a dull album.

Horrendous – Ontological Mysterium
Horrendous gets proggy and occasionally psychedelic, and I’m here for it until I get bored and move onto some other proggy, psychedelic death metal band that also rules.

HOUSE OF ALL – HOUSE OF ALL
If I wanted to listen to The Fall, then I’d listen to The Fall, and not HOUSE OF ALL, which, admittedly, rhymes.

James Holden – Imagine This Is a High Dimensional Space of All Possibilities
BLEEP BLEEP BLOOP BLOOP BLEEP-A-BLOOP, IT’S GENIUS, GREEN DOT IT IS

Jarhead Fertilizer – Carceal
Obnoxiously all over the place; maybe your nu-metal-loving 13-year-old nephew will love it.

Jeff Rosenstock – HELLMODE
Although Rosenstock’s flavor of punk skirts very close to emocore from time to time, the melodies are strong!

JPEGMAFIA & Danny Brown – SCARING THE HOES
Between JPEGMAFIA’s blearing, harsh electronics and Danny Brown’s flow, consider the hoes sufficiently scared.

Kate NV – WOW
This woman is pretty and that does her a whole bunch of favors, but her brand of cutesy electronic pop is fun too, I swear I’m not just saying that because she’s very pretty (which she is).

KEN mode – VOID
KEN mode hit so hard and are so loud and proud that they should probably rename themselves BARBIE mode, you feel me?

Krigsgrav – Fires in the Fall
The seventh album begets the sum of all their parts — black metal, melodeath, doom, post-metal — but the final product is as lackluster as it is overlong.

L’Rain – I Killed Your Dog
A veritable collage of moody soundscapes and genre-bending

Leiþa – Reue
Unfortunately, I don’t find much about this black metal album interesting except that the band’s name as a “þ” in it.

M83 – Fantasy
M83 makes music for hopeless virgins, and I haven’t been a hopeless virgin since high school; booyah, virgins.

Malokarpatan – Vertumnus Caesar
Trad metal and black metal at the same time, and folk traditions from their native Slovakia, AND it rules?!?!

Mānbryne – Interregnum: O pr​ó​bie wiary i jarzmie zw​ą​tpienia
Searing, hoarse-throated, invigorating black metal that’ll put hair on your pubes.

Mandy, Indiana – i’ve seen a way
Noisy electronic/indie rock that’s more like a collage of sounds than an album of songs, but they are glorious sounds!

Marnie Stern – The Comeback Kid
The queen of virtuosic noise-math rock guitar is back, baby, and she still sounds like she’s making music specially for late 2000’s Pitchfork writers!

Maruja – Knocknarea
Post-hardcore with a saxophone, and too bad it’s only 22 minutes long.

Mega Bog – End of Everything
Catchy and unsettling synth pop in the vein of Vanishing Twin or Virginia Wing or Jenny Hval, and they’re all good, so this is good too!

Mephorash – Krystl-Ah
Slow, boring, boring, boring, slow, boring, and slow, and boring.

Mike Keneally – The Thing That Knowledge Can’t Eat
Sorry Mike, I love you unconditionally but this album is a big, fat miss.

Mitski – The Land Is Inhospitable and So Are We
The Album Is Uninteresting and So Is She

Mudhoney – Plastic Eternity
lol mudhoney

MUN SING – Inflatable Gravestone
Deconstructed, slippery club music that is equal parts chaotic and emotionally resonant, which is hard to pull off well.

Nation of Language – Strange Discipline
Minimalist synth pop that really does sound like a modern take on minimal wave, proving once again that you just need to rehash old music to make good new music!

Ne Obliviscaris – Exul
Ne Obliviscaris always brings a pleasant listen, if you accept the definition of “pleasant” as “clean vocals over harsh vocals with some kickass violin”!

Night Crowned – Tales
Furious blackened melodeath with some occasional folk influences to keep things interesting.

Nightmarer – Deformity Adrift
Chunky, slightly dissonant technical death metal with plenty of mood shifts and atmosphere, me likey.

Non Est Deus – Legacy
Bleak atmospheric black metal with a burly edge that tops last year’s Impious just by being even bleaker and burlier!

The Ocean – Holocene
The Ocean Collective has been neutered, everyone, so no need to listen to them anymore I guess.

October Tide – The Cancer Pledge
Another deathy doomy offering from Stockholm’s favorite band with both a month and a laundry detergent in its name.

Omnerod – The Amensal Rise
These Belgians made one of the coolest progressive death metal albums I have ever heard, and it would have been a serious contender for Album of the Year if I had gotten to this sooner.

Omnivortex – Circulate
Sometimes it sounds like Obscura / And sometimes it sounds like Porcupine Tree / But it always sounds / It always sounds good to me!

Onheil – In Black Ashes
I’m not exactly sure what this metal album is trying to be — melodeath, thrash, maybe even a little black — but it lacks dynamics and flavor and I’ll never listen to this again.

Overmono – Good Lies
Is it hip hop, is it electronic music, is it UK bass, is it Christian rock??????

Oxbow – Love’s Holiday
What the hell, Eugene S. Robinson, this sounds like some milquetoast indie rock instead of a crazy motherfucker yelping noises into a microphone, booooooo!

Pangaea – Changing Channels
DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE!!

Parannoul – After the Magic
If you ask me, this is the South Korean answer to 100 gecs (a question that no one asked).

Pere Ubu – Trouble on Big Beat Street
Pere Ubu stopped being charming and interesting decades ago, but it’s nice to know that David Thomas is still yelping out lyrics with his weird child molester voice.

Psychedelic Porn Crumpets – Fronzoli
This album is like Ty Segall playing guitar for Thee Oh Sees and trying to sound like both the White Stripes and the Strokes while I slip into a coma.

PJ Harvey – I Inside the Old Year Dying
An exotic, ethereal experience that’s unlike anything PJ Harvey has released before, which is good or bad depending on how you look at it.

Queens of the Stone Age – In Times New Roman…
Hang it up, Josh Homme, you’re finished, you’re through, you’re history, you’re done, goodbye.

Rorcal – Silence
“Silence” is a poor way to describe this palatable, raspy, chaotic mess of hardcore sludge metal, but maybe you just need to hit the pause button or something.

RVG – Brain Worms
It’s like Real Estate and the Clash had a miserable Australian baby!

Sacred Outcry – Towers of Gold
Pitch-perfect power metal hearkening back to the ’90s golden age of power metal, which is usually not my jam, but it’s that good, my friends.

Saturnus – The Storm Within
I’m sure this is a fucking fantastic album, but I don’t like doom metal that much so I give it whopping RED and move on while everyone yells at me.

Screaming Females – Desire Pathway
My brother-in-law looks like Marissa Paternoster, and Screaming Females has certainly put out better albums than this.

Serpent of Old – Ensemble Under the Dark Sun
More like Serpent of Shit, lol lol, no really this is all right.

Shame – Food for Worms
Shame sounding like a second-rate Parquet Courts or Titus Andronicus, and it’s disappointing I tell you whut.

Sleep Token – Take Me Back To Eden
I get Pain of Salvation vibes from this album, and the only band who’s allowed to be Pain of Salvation is Pain of Salvation as far as I’m concerned.

Slow Pulp – Yard
Easygoing and twangy indie rock that reminds me of Mitski, and I’m not too big on Mitski.

Slowdive – everything is alive
Slowdive does what they do best: make summery, timeless shoegaze for your sensitive earholes.

Sodomisery – Mazzaroth
Listen, I could list a litany of influencers for Sodomisery but I’d be here all day, so I’ll instead just say that this album is Good™ and move on.

Sparks – The Girl Is Crying in her Latte
I absolutely adore Sparks but the electronic noises on this album are pretty fucking grating, sorry.

Squid – O Monolith
Squid’s 2021 debut was so good, and this is just so not good, and I’m literally crying about it right now.

Stortregn – Finitude
This tech death album is so all over the place that there’s a flamenco passage in the middle of a song for no reason at all!

Sulphur Aeon – Seven Crowns and Seven Seals
The usual melodic-lite death metal stalwarts seem a little more subdued this time around, eschewing roiling riffs in favor of even-keeled atmosphere, or something to that effect idk.

Swans – The Beggar
Clearly the golden era of 2-hour Swans albums was the 2010s, because The Beggar has all the bloat without any of the magic.

Sweeping Promises- Good Living Is Coming for You
Everything from the energy, instrumentation, singing, and production makes this sound like retro female-fronted new wave, which is ENTIRELY my jam and it should be yours too.

Sylosis – A Sign of Things to Come
Crispy metallic hardcore with just the right amount of bleak atmosphere to this guy (me) happy (enough).

Teenage Waitress – Your Cuckoo
Indie rock at its most cloying, its most saccharine, and its most ironically twee, and its most I’m-not-listening-to-this-anymore.

Teeth of the Sea – Hive
This is post-rock for people who don’t like post-rock, and I really don’t like post-rock so I barely tolerate this.

The Telescopes – Of Tomorrow
This is my first time hearing the Telescopes and I barely like what I hear, so maybe the earlier stuff is better!

Tennis – Pollen
Lifeless, simplistic indie pop that only stirs your imagination if you’re some dumb animal like a dog or a moose or something.

Thantifaxath – Hive Mind Necrosis
Bendy, twisty, turny, scary black metal with symphonic elements and dangerous-sounding vocals, eek!

To the Grave – Director’s Cuts
Deathcore that relies more on death and less on core, pummeling your ass into a gooey paste of submission.

Tomb Mold – The Enduring Spirit
Tomb Mold cleans it up a little for their fourth release, presenting old school death metal with progressive elements, post-metal vibes, and even some surf rock here and there.

Tribunal – The Weight of Remembrance
Man, I don’t even like doom metal that much so why am I bothering?

Truth Club – Running from the Chase
Lackadaisical and mumbly pseudo-post-punk like Ought but it’s more irritating and less melodious.

The Tubs – Dead Meat
Overly-sunny jangle pop with a guy who sounds like the Big Big Train vocalist, and it all makes me feel uncomfortable and it makes me feel like I’m suffocating and I don’t know why.

U.S. Girls – Bless This Mess
Some occasional interesting moments, but yeah, this soulful sophisti-pop isn’t for me.

Vertebra Atlantis – A Dialogue for the Eeriest Sublime
Not as immediately interesting as Vertebra Atlantis’ fantastic debut, but it’s not without its grandiose bombast and oppressive atmosphere.

Victory over the Sun – Dance You Monster to My Soft Song!
An avantgarde black metal project, completely performed and managed by a single American woman, that is so loaded with excellent and diverse Sigh-levels of musical ideas it’ll make your head spin like a top and flop right off your neck.

Vvon Dogma I – The Kvlt of Glitch
Over-digitalized “metal” with wannabe Cynic-type synthetic vocals and insipid unoriginality, and I was expecting to like the shit out of this because I clearly love insipid unoriginality.

Warcrab – The Howling Silence
Sludgy death metal that exemplifies the genre’s occasional ability to be engaging and rockin’ instead of… well… sludgy.

Wata Igarashi – Agartha
Dance music that’s very repetitive in a “this album is already way too long” kind of way.

Water from Your Eyes – Everyone’s Crushed
Off-kilter electronic slacker noise pop that oozes along at the speed of whatever the fuck, and I like it.

Wayfarer – American Gothic
The perfect album title to compliment the twangy, old West black metal that Wayfarer is so fucking good at playing.

Wednesday – Rat Saw God
Sort of like a more aggressive Ratboys — and there’s even “rat” in the album title — which can only be a good thing in my ears.

Wormhole – Almost Human
Yeeeaaahh, gimme some o’ dat chunky, br00tal death metal, right in the veins, right there, right there, there it is.

Xoth – Exogalactic
Lovecraftian science fiction channeled through a death metal / black metal / thrash metal prism, so get grandma in the room for this one!

Yaeji – With a Hammer
What if Satomi Matsuzaki from Deerhoof got rappy with it?

yeule – softscars
Another one of those Björky weirdo pop artists, except this one is from Singapore instead of Iceland which, if I’m not mistaken, is 900,000 miles away from one another.

Young Fathers – Heavy Heavy
Lose yourself in the funky gospel and never return, you asshole.

Youth Lagoon – Heaven Is a Junkyard
Stay away from the lagoon, it’s boring in there.