Welcome back to the Book Bonfire! I’m your host, Regis Philbin, and today we’re going to learn how the Atkins diet can SAVE YOUR LIFE!!

Also, we’re here to read Assassin’s Apprentice by Robin Hobb, something that certainly is a book, I’ll tell you that much! Actually, here’s a little bit of a preamble: I already read this book in 2018 and here are the only two things I remember about it: a) Fitz can talk to animals, and b) the Fool is smart. I don’t remember any other characters, the settings, the overall plot, why Fitz becomes in an assassin, who he is an apprentice to, whether or not he actually kills anyone, or whether or not the book has some really cool, rude swears in it. I don’t remember any of the important stuff. Fitz could be poisoning a deep-dish pizza to kill the Renaissance Boys’ Choir for all I know! I could be told that and I would believe it!

So I read the book again and, yeah, maybe there were a few more things that clicked in my head. Verity is the “nice” prince. Regal is the dickhead prince. Burrich raised Fitz, and Fitz wants to bone Molly. I didn’t remember Chade, Buckkeep, the Red-Ship Raiders, or even the Skill and any of its training. Pretty fucking important fucking plot threads and it all went down my brain tubes. How’s that for making an impression?

So, after reading it again eight years later I can see why Assassin’s Apprentice doesn’t have much lasting power. I found the book enjoyable — and I know I did the first time too or else I wouldn’t have read it again — but it’s very much an “in the moment” novel. You like it while you’re reading it and you don’t think much about it when you’re not. It’s very well written and well-plotted, showing Fitz’s progression from when he was dropped off at the royal doorstep at 6-year-old to roughly Age 14 when he’s busy remembering various poisons and sucking off Prince Verity. Throughout you see everything from Fitz’s point of view, where he gets to toe the line between royalty and commoner, and he’s at the mercy of his irregular situation. Fitz is always kind of dumb and socially awkward, and he never gets a leg-up in any conflict or predicament that he finds himself in, so he’s kind of a shitty protagonist. You can’t help but root for him, though, because he doesn’t have an arrogant bone in his body and he’s quite good at learning whatever he’s being taught even if his teachers are deliberately trying to sabotage his training (like that buttfucker “Skillmaster” Galen).

Funnily enough, they don’t focus on actual assassinations. At all. They mention it all in passing, but we never get a scene where Fitz straight up murders someone. Watching the poor dude cough and choke like Joffrey Baratheon at his own wedding. Almost like assassination and apprenticing is the backdrop to something BIGGER going on here! But hey, I read the next two books as well and I don’t fucking remember a single thing about them either. Perhaps there will be more actual killing in the stories to come. Reportedly, this book’s working title was “Chivalry’s Bastard”. This would have been much more fitting, but cursing makes me frown a lot so I’m glad they didn’t go with it!

I guess, in a nutshell, this seems to be one long setup novel. They introduce the Red-Ship Raiders and their horrible “Forging” practices (removing a person’s sense of humanity — entire populations even — through some sort of vague magic), and their indiscernible motivations. They introduce the “Skill”, this vague telepathic ability to channel thoughts into others’ minds and, in the case of Prince Verity, somehow temporarily ward off the Red-Ship Raiders. They introduce the “Wit”, Fitz’s perverse ability to communicate a bond with animals. None of this gets entirely fleshed out, leaving one to imagine that it’s building up to something.

But, then again, I hear that all of Hobb’s novels follow the same sort of lowkey ambling plot trajectory. I’m fine with it. You need a book like that once in a while, and there’s not much like it in the fantasy genre that I’ve come across. 15 books to go!

BOOK BONFIRE DISCUSSION QUESTIONS!

Pick out several characters and discuss how well they do or do not uphold the virtues of their names.
Aha, a fine question! Royalty, as if it were an obligation, bestow upon their kin these terrible Puritan names. I hate each and every single one.

King Shrewd – Oh, he’s shrewd all right. Cunning. At least we’re told that. I didn’t see much evidence of this guy being too shrewd. The most he does is permit Fitz to learn skills in the castle in order to not be a threat to the family line, including combat, Skilling, and *cough cough* poisoning people. Whether or not it’s actually shrewd is up for debate!

Prince Verity – Verity most certainly lives up to his name, being very much a what-you-see-is-what-you-get kind of person. Kind, helpful, unapologetically absent-minded in a kind of “I’m royalty and I don’t give much thought, or much of a fuck, about social pleasantries” way. Verity is very much the good guy, though, but he seems a bit dumb. He seems like he would be played by Paul Rudd in a movie.

Prince Regal – Regal is a jerkass. This one doesn’t need further analysis. Real A+ motherfucker stuff going on with this guy.

Lady Patience – Talk about impatient! OK, I’m done.

How does Fitz’s identity crisis emerge as one of the main themes?
It all started when he formed his band Fitz and the Tantrums in 2008. Ever since then it’s been all “who am I?” lol

Fitz is a bastard, we can start there. At the beginning of the book, Fitz’s grandfather drops him off at an outpost all like “you guys can take care of him now, I’m sick of him.” Fitz was only six at the time, nameless and alone and with a shirt full of chili stains. When Burrich takes him in, he’s the one that provides to him the unfortunate appellation of “Fitz” (meaning “bastard” in the Six Duchies), which is pretty mean for a guy who basically raises him with all the love and care that a gruff, unhappy stableman can provide.

Then he’s called “Boy” by the Buckkeep town and castle grounds personnel. Then he’s called “Thomas” by Lady Patience. Then he’s called “FitzChivalry” by Prince Verity. It’s like, pick a fucking name and stick with it. The poor kid has already been through enough, getting dragged around on tedious errands and extended assassination-related journeys.

So, yeah, if I were Fitz I’d be dying my hair black and shopping at Hot Topic to try to find a semblance of personal identity! Maybe he’ll do that in Book 2.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Good, but not for everybody. Assassin’s Apprentice is slow on the action, but realistic in character development. If you want to see a depressed teenager get kicked around for 400 pages, then you’ll be in paradise! If, like me, you’re not big on the special talking-to-animals ability, then skip this fucking shit. Jesus Christ, what’s wrong with you?