Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: All-Star Superman, Issue #10 – “Neverending”! As in, this shitty limited series is never ending. In the previous installment, a couple of arrogant blowjobs from Krypton, who happen to still be alive after floating through space for decades or something, decide to mosey on over to Earth where they intend into Kryptonize the fair city of Metropolis. Superman is like “DON’T IMPOSE YOUR CULTURE ON THESE INNOCENT PEOPLE” and slaps them like Will Smith slapped Chris Rock.

SO THEN WHAT? Well, Bar-El and Lilo are their names and getting weaker because of passing through toxic kryptonite clouds is their game. lol. So even in the yellow sun their shit is falling apart, so in a blatant act of plot-holing, Superman sends them to the Phantom Zone to recover and he’ll bust them out some day (he won’t).

There was a TO BE CONTINUED, which means there’s more of this story? Kill me now please!

All-Star Superman, Issue #10 [May, 2008]
Written by: Grant Morrison
“Neverending”

WHAT IS THIS NOW?! Holding up the Earth like that? Does this comic lay claim that Superman is GOD? I have a bunch of pamphlets here that say otherwise, fool. Namaste and amen.

At 7:02am, Superman lifts a school bus across the Pyramids of Giza. Then he visits a children’s ward of a hospital for some reason. Both these things happen for some reason.

At 11:25pm, Superman tearfully records his final will and testament. He sits in an uncomfortable stone chair and ponders laboriously. “There’s so little time left now,” he says, counting down the literal seconds before he keels over and dies hilariously. “The end is getting closer and there’s still so many things I’ve yet to achieve.”

1) Fuck Mars

2) Marry Jupiter

3) Kill Saturn

“The time-traveler Samson told me I’d complete twelve legendary super challenges before my death. I would answer the unanswerable question, overcome the tyrant sun, Solaris… even create life…”

These sure are some groovy SUPER challenges! Overcome the sun! Ha! Good luck! It’s what killed you, remember dingus? Hello?

Superman reckons he has accomplished seven super challenges so far. Five left to go. Let’s hop to it. Bucket list this bitch.

At 10:25am the next morning, Superman’s little city in a bottle Kandor, the council members prepare for a historic moment (the hilarious death of Superman?) while Superman watches through the glass and jerks off. Quintum bounds into the room dressed like a superhero; Authentic Kryptonian Formal Wear! Courtesy of nose-picker Jimmy Olsen.

Van-Zee of Kandor has signaled to Superman that they’re ready for Quintum. Ready for what? For him to squat over the glass and lay a big fat turd? It’s not like he’ll be much more influential or prophetic or anything like that. Look at the nerd, he looks like he’s going to hurt himself, you know, falling down a canyon.

Superman shrinks Quintum down to Kandor-civilian height and wishes him luck. WHY DOESN’T SUPERMAN JUST EMBIGGEN THE CIVILIANS OUT OF THE GLASS?! FUCK! THAT’S A GREAT IDEA!

Seriously though, there’s still time for a big, stinky dump all over the glass. It’ll be funny!

Quintum joins the Kandor council to discuss their favorite Family Matters episodes. A guy in green is like “HURF DURF AN EARTHMAN HAS NEVER JOINED OUR SECRET SPECIAL COUNCIL BEFORE HUUURRRGG” and then a guy in purple is like “thank you for joining us.”

Qunitum has some stuff to say about Superman’s FAILURE, for lack of literally any other word, to fix the city of Kandor and its citizens. I guess years of staring at it like a fishtank wasn’t good enough. “If you’ll hear me out, I may have a simple solution to your predicament.”

Simple, eh? And the smartest man on Earth couldn’t figure it out? The dude deserves to die.

At 12:01am, Superman continues his last will and testament. He basically launches into a soliloquy about how useless the humans are without him. Then he created an alternate Earth called “Earth Q” where he could study an Earth without Superman. He made Earth Q cube-shaped, which already adds an unnecessary variable to the equation. Smartest man on Earth indeed.

At 4:35pm (I’m assuming this whole dumb sequence is happening consecutively), Superman arrives at the site of a giant robot alien monster zombie pirate ninja invasion. “He tore the site apart looking for this — then just dropped it when the reporter got in his way. We thought it was some kind of time capsule. But see the date!”

“2312?” says Superman, slack-jawed. “A time capsule from the future, buried in the past?” Superman tries to get a glimpse inside the lead box with his x-ray vision (SCIENCE DISPUTE: x-rays don’t go through lead), but then the giant robot alien monster whatever returns with Lois Lane in its grasp!

Oh ho ho ho, no, that’s German for “The Superman, The!”

Superman is all “LOIS!?” and Lois is all “Uhm.”

“I AM THE TRUE MAN OF STEEL!” proclaims, what I can see with my own two eyes, a true man of steel, that’s for sure. “THE AUTHENTIC MAN OF TOMORROW! DO YOUR WORST.”

Superman plows through the head of this thing, splintering it into 100,000 pieces of shrapnel and revealing a Bernie Sanders-looking madman at the helm. “AAAAAAA!!” he wails.

“He’s on some wild electronic goose chase for Luthor,” Lois explains as Superman returns her safely to the ground. “It’s barely a story, Superman. The guy has Alzheimer’s.”

Lois urges Mr. Superb Man not to fly away just yet! Just so you know, Lois got in Machano-Man’s way on purpose to get your attention! Wubba lubba dub dub! Did it work?? “What does that say about how much we need to talk? Why don’t you want to talk?”

Um, ‘cause toots, stringing more than five words together makes his brain shut down and temporarily become a big pile of spaghetti. But, checkmate motherfucker, Lois knows that you’re dying of acute yellow sun exposure sickness radiation syndrome-itis! Superman looks to the fashionably-garbed Quintum, who cops to spilling the beans. It happened by accident, he swears! The conversation just went there. All like “Does this shawl make my big fat butt look fat?” and then I couldn’t help but respond with “NNNYYYAAAHHHHGGG SUPERMAN IS DYING LOL!”

No.

Superman conveniently starts hearing another damsel in distress, so he flies away. It’s some Hot Topic goth chick about to leap off a building. Alternative girls are the most troubled, you know. It’s science. Anyway, he stops her. Yawn.

At 11:00am (I get it, it’s out of sequence. I’m not putting extra effort into keeping it all together), Quintum talks to the round table of colorful Kandorians to lay out his idea to bust them out of Miniature Hell. None of them want to leave, they want their city and their culture to be preserved. One dude is like “BUT THE YELLOW SUN WILL GIVE US SUPERMAN POWERS, DOESN’T THAT SOUND POSITIVELY ENTICING?” but one called Than-Ar is like “as if!” “We will lose everything that makes us what we are.”

Yeah, ok sweetie. The adults are talking now. Time for a vote. All in favor of a pizza party, say “yay!” If you want anchovies, say “yee!” And–

“Van-Zee! Wait!” yells a loudmouth dressed like four others standing around him. “We understand Superman’s life is in jeopardy. We five of the Kandor Emergency Corps have a plan to save him. Will you lead us as you once did, Van-Zee?”

There’s always some altruistic bullshit in these Superman comics. Just once can’t someone be like “you’re interrupting my burger.”

At 1:36pm, Superman has repaired every single one of Earth’s bridges. All 150,000,000,000 of them.

You missed a spot.

Some other stuff happens at different times. Superman counts his DNA, or so it seems. The inhabitants of Earth Q look up at their god and point. At 5:13pm, Superman goes to Metropolis’ version of Alcatraz and fesses up to Lex Luthor that he’s dying. Superman’s dying, not Luthor. Luthor is as spry as a nubile, young, taut boy. “The world is yours, at least for the three weeks you have left before they execute you.”

Oh joy and yippee. Thanks for handing over this gay Earth that sucks. Superman challenges him to fix the world like he always said he would. Make it better, smartypants, I dare you.

“Lex, I know there’s good in you,” Superman says.

Luthor makes a face suggesting that he just farted and that the fart smells rotten.

At 11:59:59:980pm (!), on Earth Q, some hippie lady preaches outside some sort of pantheon.

At 9:10pm, Superman sprays the lead box with eyeball fire and reveals a hologram in a sphere. “GR8TNGS SPRMAN @ 2C!” the hologram says gratingly. “U DUNNO I – I DUNNO U GET I N-LISH TOK. I ROO MAC2 SPR-SCI-IST @ 24c. GR8-GR8-GR8EST GRANMO @ 21C OH LIFE 2 U, I 2 U I OH.”

Fuck this so hard, dude. The hologram says more but I have a headache and I’d rather jab a fork in an electrical socket and then pee on the fork than read more of it. At the end of it, Superman makes a contorted face of consternation and says “Solar Intelligence Systems”. lmao

At 11:20, Superman completes his eighth challenge: copying his entire eight-billion letter DNA code sequence into a book for Quintum so that he can use it to clone more Supermen. It only took Superman about 45 seconds to do it, which really ate into his squatting-over-a-bidet time.

At 6:45, Van-Zee’s team fails to fix Superman’s cells within his bloodstream. Oh well! Superman ain’t mad. He’s actually happy they tried! Thanks, tiny buddies. As a thank you, he sends them over to the children’s ward from earlier to save them from cancer, probably.

In the end, at midnight, Superman gives Lois Lane the headline of the century. It will surely make her a few smackaroos.

“SUPERMAN DEAD”

Final Thoughts

WHAT A TRIP. This one was actually good with the out-of-sequence storytelling. Thanks, Issue #10!