Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: All-Star Superman, Issue #9 – “Curse of the Replacement Supermen”! In the previous installment, the thrilling conclusion of the Bizarro storyline left us all bewildered and angry.

Let us never speak of it again.

Anyway, “Curse of the Replacement Supermen” is the name of this issue and I’m getting kind of tired of other Supermen. Why can’t we just have 20 pages of Clark Kent / Lois Lane close-up penis-in-vagina like a normal comic book? Why this?

All-Star Superman, Issue #9 [August, 2007]
Written by: Grant Morrison
“Curse of the Replacement Supermen”

Once upon a time, an adult Superman barrels toward an empty field – save for a circus tent a group of workers is raising – like a fucking rogue meteorite. He bounces around like a skipping stone. “Folks,” Superman says, getting up. “Sorry if I startled you.”

Yeah, thanks a lot you horrible, inconsiderate pile of rat teeth. It doesn’t matter if you were just launched from Bizarro Cube Earth. You’re a real jerk.

The group on the ground shrugs and realizes, once Superman flies away, that he has no idea about his replacements! Ha! No one needs you anymore, Supey. Go back to your exploded home planet, you’ll fit in much more nicely there.

Superman flies around for a bit, gathering his bearings and heading towards everyone’s favorite fake DC city Metropolis. As he gets closer he forms a giant speech balloon that just says “?”. He doesn’t think it, he says it. Then he wonders what’s going on in his fair city. It looks… newer and cleaner.

Egads!

Stop yelling in the sky. You’ll wake the baby.

A large blue glacier-like spire has formed itself atop Mt. Daily Planet. “Great Caesar’s Ghost!” exclaims Perry White like it’s 1938. “Clark! Where have you been for the last two months? We held a memorial service!” Super lol there. Clark doesn’t even have the decency to explain that he was strokin’ it for 60 days. He tells White he got trapped in his closet. Fortunately, Superman heard his cries for help! And he came. Heh heh. Anyway, uh

Lois Lane points to a newspaper. Where she found one in a newspaper factory, I have no idea. “EARTH’S NEW CHAMPIONS” (the dumb-looking nerds on this issue’s cover art). “Has he (Superman) seen this? (Earth’s New Champions)”

Apparently not. Superman doesn’t have Super-omniscience. He’s not GOD, pfffft. God isn’t even God!

These new champions are somewhere containing an active volcano. A very active volcano, as it were. After they’re done, they decide upon where to build the glamorous city of New Krypton. Maybe right here on top of a volcano? “Mmm,” says the one called Lilo. “I think we could just as easily clear the apes out of Metropolis and build there.”

VILLAINS! HELP!

Superman flies to where Lilo and the one called Bar-El are hanging out. Superman is like a puppy dog, all like “HI! HELLO! HEY! HI!” while the two of them try to ignore the insipidness of the gibbering sack of rat’s bones near them.

“They told me all about you,” Superman says. The first astronauts from the Planet Krypton, who drifted lost in space for decades.

FRIENDLINESS DENIED, hoser.

Bar-El asks Superman why he even bothered coming back to Earth. Superman gets sneery and defensive. This is his HOME. He was RAISED here. LIKE CATTLE. But, on the Almighty Planet of Arrogant Chest-Puffers, he would’ve been Kal-El of the House of El. Just like Bar-El. Step off.

Lilo remembers Superman’s father, Jor-El. He was pretty stupid.

Earth’s New Champions tell Superman that he wasted time on Earth not transitioning it into a New Krypton. Superman argues that he has no right to impose his values on anybody on Earth. Then he discovers that Bar-El and Lilo have taken over his Fortress of Solitude! And they decorated it with Pink Floyd posters and lava lamps. “What happened to the statues of my parents?” he whines. They’ve been toppled and replaced with statues of Bar-El and Lilo. “We celebrate the life of Krypton, not her death. This place reeks of morbidity and obsession.”

I like these new cats. Superman is way out of his league with these two. He might as well fly back to his exploded planet and salvage some flying pieces of debris to make himself a gun and shoot himself in the head.

Bar-El and Lilo continuing throwing shade while Superman scrambles to defend himself. They notice the glass jar full of Kandorians which makes them livid. “Our planet was devastated, you say, and yet you preserve her survivors under stifling glass? Geniuses, prodigies, every one – each worth more than a thousand Earth barbarians.”

“You should be ashamed!”

Superman’s getting his just desserts now! Superman should be ashamed. Earth is the worst and its people aren’t worth defending. Superman doesn’t back down. Bar-El and Lilo claim that he has betrayed his heritage.

Remember when this happened to Joe Pesci in Home Alone?

Bar-El blasts the caped crusader with fire and then uppercuts him right in the tummy. Then he knees him in the penis and balls. And then they both hoist him up and throw him into the moon. Then they hoist him up and throw him back into Earth, where he lands ass-first in the middle of the street, creating a 1,000,000 ft hole. Superman looks up and sees a big crack in the moon. The two new Supermen laugh and fly away while Superman gasps and fans himself. “What have you done?” he trembles hilariously.

“ALL HAIL NEW KRYPTON!” says All-Star Superman’s coolest new characters.

“You’ve broken the moon,” Superman whispers, nose bleeding all over the place. Bar-El and Lilo can fix this! They tear out a bunch of Earth’s largest bridges and stitch the crack.

Back in the Daily Planet building, Clark holds a tissue over his MYSTERIOUSLY BLEEDING nose while Jimmy Olsen talks about his boss and stylish new Kryptonian pants. Lois asks Clark where Superman is while office prankster Steve Lombard lights Clark’s butt with a Zippo. We all have a good laugh even those Superman’s rump isn’t as tender as he makes it out to be! I know this from countless issues of Superman Comics available in your local funny book retailer!

After we all enjoy a few well-earned chuckles, Clark spots the Kryptonians outside the office window…

You tell me. Someone just tried to burn my butt.

Steve Lombard thinks these two are talking about him. Clark is like “uhhhh, guys, I have to step out for a minute for non-Superman-related reasons.”

While Bar-El maintains steadfast haughtiness, Lilo suddenly doesn’t feel so well and starts plummeting to the ground. Superman is ready to grab her mere feet from the ground. Bar-El is about ready to punch his lights out for even so much as touching the wretched woman. “I’m warning you… I’ll… I’ll… I can’t fly,” Bar-El mumbles. “Why do I feel so weak?”

Superman comes up with a reason immediately: “You passed through a certain radioactive cloud in space – which caused the minerals in your bodies to turn into toxic kryptonite.” Yeah, why didn’t I think of that? “…I’m afraid your own bodies are poisoning you, Bar-El.”

Nice plot hole. I love it when the writing in comic books is subpar, Grant Morrison.

Lilo is cowering against a wall with her hands on her ears. Bar-El declines Superman’s help but then goes all “buhhh” and “guhhh” against the wall himself. Lilo is blind. Bar-El is close to tears. Superman extends a hand. Bar-El goes blind too, eyes going all wonky like Marty Feldman (who I just looked up thinking HE MIGHT STILL BE ALIVE, but he died in fuckin’ 1982 lmao).

The next thing we see is Bar-El and Lilo on separate stretchers. Superman intends to put some electric shit on Bar-El’s head and reads his thoughts.

“Superman… after all I’ve done, still you show me kindness,” says Bar-El on the ThoughtScreen™. Superman explains this because whatever.

“Kal-El,” continues the newly neutered Bar-El. “I’m proud to call you my kin. Krypton’s great heart lives in you.”

Now it’s time to save Lilo from whatever she’s dying of. “There’s one way to save you, but this has to be your choice,” Superman says mysteriously. “The ray will dematerialize your bodies into the Phantom Zone forever.”

*snort*

Bar-El basically says “ok”. He and Lilo hold hands and then it’s POOF.

Superman promises to get them out again some day maybe. When he has time.

TO BE CONTINUED

What a load of horseshit.

Final Thoughts

This was good enough at first, but it really ran off the rails at the end and I’m so mad that I’m punching my own groin right now to distract myself from my pain and anger.

Three more issues to go on this abortion of a dying fetus of a Republican politician of a comic series. Ugh.