East of West, Issue #33 – “The Kingdom Endures”

* Part 4 of 16 of the The Apocalypse: Year Three storyline *

Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: East of West, Issue #33 – “The Kingdom Endures”! In the previous installment, Archibald makes the rounds. He has carried out a terrorist attack on the Union’s White Tower, he has tried to kill Xioalian in her sleep, he has made a deal with the Kingdom of New Orleans to butt out of all his affairs, and he chased down Bel “Stinky Pants” Solomon.

I like Archibald, but I can tell he’s punching his ticket to an early death right now. Prove me wrong, Jonathan Hickman. You sly dog, you.

East of West, Issue #33 [May, 2017]
Written by: Jonathan Hickman
“The Kingdom Endures”

Constance bringing out the big guns! And by that I mean one big gun. Maybe she’ll shoot her uncle! The game is the game.

In the Machine City of the Endless Nation, millions gather to grieve the death of their beloved leader Narsimha. All splayed out in a bed of flowers, wearing his ridiculous pointy crown with the ammo belt on it for some reason.

“Your death shames me, Narsimha,” says some old guy. I don’t remember who he is. Probably someone on the Council. Bodaway or something. SOMETHING LIKE THAT. “I was your rival and found only fault in your living, but now, in your passing, I find only sorrow.”

This altruistic dead motherfucker, he always put the tribe first and never harmed one of his own. For that, he gets the highest honor of a plastic ring from a box of Cracker Jack.

Bodaway finishes his eulogy and Wolf thanks him for his kind words, yo. Then Wolf lights the funeral pyre. “Goodbye, Uncle. You are free now. Begin your great hunt.”

Crow looks up at Wolf and asks why his people burns their leaders. WELL, HERE ARE THE REASONS TWO. REASON THE FIRST: he was excellent at his job. Real A+ stuff. REASON THE SECOND: the gods can look down and see the charred eyesore of land and recognize that this is where he was honored. “It says to them – look here – this was a great man.

Of course, if you don’t believe in that shit then fuggeddaboutit.

Also, another reason this time, it serves as a warning signal to their enemies. The spirit of Narsimha lives on, and they’re going to roast y’all alive. Watch your back.

“See us with the coming sun. We are here for the Union.”

No time for your weak ass chit-chat shit, Robocop.

At the White Tower, which has a giant hole blasted on the side, LeVay and Lux are still alive and unharmed. Lux storms into LeVay’s office where she finds the President slurping down some fine wine. A bunch of the rarest vintages known to man in the White Tower’s wine cellar. Might as well, right? Lux looks grim and tells her boss that the protestors and rioters are the least of her problems right now. A holographic photo shows an army marching toward them. “They’re coming here, Madame President. They’re coming for you.”

LeVay looks like when Ren from Ren & Stimpy looks extremely mad. Neck all bulgy. Teeth bared. “This… cannot… this… this… Goddammit. Goddammit!!!” LeVay gibbers and then throws her glass of wine against the wall.

Meanwhile, the protestors and rioters outside are getting armed by the rebels. “Listen to me!” yells the leader lady. Do I know her name? “Many of you have not met me before now. You’ve been hidden away in secret cells… meeting in kitchens and living rooms. Small groups – whispering about today as if this day might never come… But here you stand. Ready to be heard. Ready to act. Ready to resist.” And indeed, there are possibly millions of people out there ready to throw their Molotov cocktails and their Koosh Balls at any damn Union government piece of shit they can find.

Cara Khan Boyle. That’s her name. LeVay murdered her friends and let her live to spread the warning. WELL GUESS WHAT, CHUCKLEFUCKS? BOYLE IS TIRED OF LYING DOWN WITH A BOOT ON HER NECK. “Those people up there — in that tower — living high above us… They view our very existence as an insult. They looked down on us, and for far too long knew that we would never dare to look back up. WELL WE ARE LOOKING BACK NOW, MADAME PRESIDENT!”

Woop woop woop woop woop! Let’s go bust up some heads! CHAAAAARGE!!

And it’s full of hamburgers and Bud Light.

Beyond the Union city, the Endless Nation slowly makes their way over. They see that the White Tower is under siege, so they’re going to watch the carnage for a bit. Eat some popcorn maybe. Grab a Coke. “And just see how committed they are to casting out a tyrant,” says Wolf.

The People’s Republic representatives also watching the siege from the outskirts along with the Endless Nation. They’re about to call up Xiaolian Mao on their touch-tone phone to relay the information, but then one of those giant blaster robots appears in front of them, and…

Xioalian gets the holographic message back in New Shanghai. After some lengthy preamble about how honored she is, this Widowmaker gal, by her presence and her vagina and whatever, he cuts to the chase. “I revered your father… But that reverence pales in comparison to how I feel for you… So why then am I about to betray you?”

Oops!

LeVay scrambles with her armored-up Secret Service looking for a way to get out safely and, if possible, not dead. Lux guns down approaching intruders. The Widowmaker continues: “Your father showed me my calling. He gave me a place. And you, Xiaolian… You gave me a purpose.”

LeVay and Lux get cornered. “I’m sorry, Antonia. It’s over.”

Antonia ain’t done. “NO!”

Lux continues as someone puts a gun right to her pasty white noggin. “Yes. All this… For nothing…”

“I swear I thought I would die in your service,” says the Widowmaker. “I believed I would die for you. But I was wrong.”

We see the Widowmaker leap through the closed window and start rat-a-tat-tatting all over the rebel intruders.

Hey, I heard someone was making popcorn!

“I found something else. A higher cause. For a while, I thought I could serve both. But the world – this fucking world – has a way of putting you to the test. Of making you choose.”

The Widowmaker bombs the room, killing everyone except LeVay and Lux.

“So forgive me Mao… but I choose her.”

The Widowmaker grabs Lux as she falls through the hole. LeVay is holding for dear life onto Lux’s leg. The Lux kicks LeVay’s face, sending her tumbling down God knows how many floors. The Widowmaker lifts Lux up to safety.

“I understand that my decision might come with a price. And if my betrayal demands a response… Please know that I didn’t really have a choice. I only did what I thought you would do.”

The Widowmaker and Lux ride off, watching the White Tower go up in smoke. Then they kiss. Xiaolian is pleased, actually. Good story.

LeVay is not dead! How is this fucking woman not dead?! She hoists herself up out of a pile of rubble. “You cannot be killed, Antonia…” she laughs to herself, one eye bleeding. “You’re going to live forever.”

Then Cara Khan Boyle shows up. “Well, well… Just who I was looking for.”

“What are you going to do, you unruly child? Shoot me?”

Boyle grabs her by the hair. “No. We’ve got something else in mind.”

A quick flashback to when the three child Horsemen vetted LeVay for presidential duties. She will, of course, be a crazy enough evangelical lunatic about the Message to serve adequately.

Wolf already gave three reasons why his people burns their leaders, but Crow asks for one more reason.

“We burn them… because they had it coming.”