Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Batman: The Long Halloween, Issue #3 – “Chapter Three: Christmas”! In the previous installment, it’s Thanksgiving Day and Jim Gordon is away from home interrogating Mickey “The Mink” Sullivan, leader of the Irish, about the alleged murder of Harvey Dent. Harvey Dent is alive, though, and goes undercover as Mickey to attempt to get some info out of the Irish. It doesn’t work. In the end, the Irish get killed by the still unknown murderer who killed Johnny “SPAGHETTI” Viti.

A killer is still on the loose, and Carmine “The Roman” Falcone still wants to take out Harvey Dent! Chaos reigns supreme! Halloween continues this Christmas!

Batman: The Long Halloween, Issue #3 [February, 1997]
Written by: Jeph Loeb
“Chapter Three: Christmas”

Oh shit, Joker Time. Sit on his lap, kids! He’s got a present for you! *wink*

Our favorite joker, the Joker, reads a newspaper proclaiming a LOOSE KILLER ON THE LOOSE in everyone’s least favorite city, Gotham. He sings Christmas carols to himself maniacally. Then he shreds the paper up into seven trillion little bits. “I hate that song,” he frowns. He actually frowns. I didn’t know the Joker could frown! Is that canon?

Joke Boy is playing the Grinch; stealing Christmas from a family who are tied up with strands of Christmas lights. He recites lines from the famous song! You know, the Grinch song. Don’t tell me you don’t know the Grinch song! What are ya, Jewish? Yeah, me neither.

It’s Christmas Eve. God didn’t make Christmas Steve. Batman and Jim Gordon pay a visit to Arkham Asylum, knowing that the Joker has escaped yet again and is terrorizing the town. The media is calling the unknown serial killer “Holiday” since he/she struck on Halloween and Thanksgiving. Christmas isn’t looking good for somebody. Probably Superman. That guy has it coming.

Batman thinks that Jim Gordon is blaming him for the influx of asylum-caliber wackaloons in the city. Batman is like “NO”, because Batman is Batman and Batman is here to protect his favorite city. They might as well call it Batman City. Has a nice ring to it, doesn’t it?

They visit Julian Day, “The Calendar Man”. They need to ask him a few question, perhaps even commute his sentence if he cooperates. “Our feeling is with your interest in committing crime to coincide with the calendar – you might have some insight?”

“Tomorrow is the big day,” Mr. Calendar Man says. “She’ll be killing again.”

“What makes you think it’s a woman?” Batman snarls.

“Because he likes it. The attention. No one knows who she is and already he has made a name for himself. Or herself.”

We’re getting somewhere already! Logic and coherence, that’s what I enjoy from my mental patients and inmates. Calendar says they’ve been lucky so far with the sparse holidays. February has a bunch. Gordon insists they’ll have the killer caught by then. Then Calendar just keeps rattling off holidays, and Batman is already fed up. It took them 45 minutes to drive here and they’re leaving already? Before dessert???

Catch my dick in your mouth, sir.

In Maroni’s Italian Restaurant, Salvatore Maroni wants someone planted in Harvey Dent’s office day and night! His conversation partner, Toots, is on it boss. Then he suddenly starts laughing. Cackling. Uncontrollable mirth! “HEEE HO HAA HEE HOO” he says, which doesn’t sound much like laughter to me. Say it out loud, is that how you laugh? Maybe it is how you laugh, nerd. It’s not how I laugh. I laugh like this: “SNOORRRRRRRT”

Toots collapses in his plate of spaghetti, mouth stretched impossibly into a rictus grin.

“Care for some more wine, Mr. Maroni?” asks his white-faced, green-haired waiter. Clown! A fuckin’ clown in Maroni’s restaurant? Undignified! No clown comes into Maroni’s place and fucks up his Toots. Joker brings out a comically large gun and points it at Maroni’s forehead. Then he accuses Maroni of being Holiday. “You’re the number 2 man in this burg. Carmine “The Roman” Falcone is numero uno. Holiday only whacks the Roman’s men, so you’ve got the most to gain–”

Pretty lucid for someone who’s supposed to be cuh-razyyy. Maroni claims that this is about business and Holiday is screwing up business for everyone. Joker grins with about 400 teeth. “Then… who is Holiday?”

Who wants ta know?! Some fuckin’ clown-ass piece of shit? No mas.

Later, a couple of goons drag Toots’ body to the trunk of a car, intending to drop him off in the river for a nice swim heh heh. Heh heh heh. Heee ho haa hee hoo. Batman suddenly lands on the car and gives these goons a nice stare. A really good stare. Such a good stare that their eyes bug out of their heads.

A Clemenz Opening??? Are you some kind of chess idiot??

Maroni comes out in a few minutes looking for his goons. Batman shows up all like “MUH-RONI”. Maroni pulls out his gun, and Batman slaps that bitch right out of Maroni’s hot little hand.

Maroni fesses up to the events of the evening. Joker showed up, we all had a good laugh at Toots’ expense. Especially Toots. “What’s his connection to Holiday?” Batman asks of the Joker. And why the fuck would Maroni know? “He’s a lunatic, like YOU,” Maroni yells, clutching his wrist. “This whole town is full of lunatics ever since you came here.” And Batman has already disappeared. He doesn’t want to hear the truth. Can’t handle the truth, you see.

Speaking of wheelchair-bound wives of District Attorneys, Harvey Dent has a surprise for Gilda. A NEW HOUSE! One that hasn’t been blown up yet! Merry Christmas! Harvey carries her over the threshold. She asks if it’s the right time to try having children again. “We’ll see…” Harvey replies romantically. Gilda wants her husband to do great big cums inside of her. He doesn’t wanna.

Gilda, now out of her wheelchair, shuffles slowly up the stairs to get a look around. Dent hears a sound in the next room and investigates (it’s Joker). “GET OUT!” Harvey screams to the sound in the next room (it’s Joker). Then he (Harvey) starts trying to pummel him (Sinbad). “You’re good, Dent,” Joker smiles. “But, you’re no Batman.”

“The question is…” Joker continues. “what sort of man are you? This town isn’t big enough for two homicidal maniacs. And if I found out that the buzz is true…” Joker points a 15-inch long finger at Dent, “That Harvey Dent is Holiday. I’m not going to be as forgiving as next time.”

Gilda comes back downstairs like “whuzzat” and finds Harvey on the floor alone. She caresses him. The window is wide open.

A bong sounds good about now. I love me some lowkey bong time.

Joker breaks into The Roman’s penthouse, finding him sleeping alone in his king-size bed. “Wakey, wakey.” Joker sticks a playing card in his face. A playing card of the joker variety, as it were. “Falcone. You find this ‘Holiday’. Or I’ll kill everyone in Gotham City until I find him.”

Loud and clear, boss! I’ll just put on my Holiday-Finding Goggles and scour the streets, good sir!

Joker passes through the hallway where he killed two more of Falcone’s goons. Right outside the front door of the penthouse, another Falcone goon shows up with a gun and calls Joker a jerk. Joker throws a pile of playing cards at the goon, stymieing him but good, and runs off.

Then someone shoots and kills the goon on the street. Happy Christmas.

“Milos. The Roman’s personal bodyguard dies on Christmas Day.” Batman picks up a joker playing card. “Holiday has another victim. Have a merry Christmas, Joker. It will be your last.”

Final Thoughts

Batman isn’t joking around, heee ho haa hee hoo. See you next time, suckers.