Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ms. Marvel (Vol. 3), Issue #12 – “Loki in Love”! In the previous storylines, Ms. Marvel befriends Wolverine while crawling through sewers and discovers a runaway teenage girl whose body was being used to help power the Inventor’s underground base. She also gets assigned a giant Inhuman dog named Lockjaw. Everyone becomes fast friends.

Some more snooping reveals that many teenagers voluntarily donated their bodies to become human batteries for reasons of a) global warming, and b) entrenched beliefs that their generation isn’t useful anyway. It was heavy-handed.

The Inventor gets thwarted. For now. The teenagers become empowered. For now.

And now Loki is involved? Shit. [INSERT MORE ABOUT LOKI HERE WHEN YOU LEARN ABOUT LOKI]

I left the above in as a reminder to learn more about Loki. I have not learned more about Loki. lol

Ms. Marvel (Vol. 3), Issue #12 [April, 2015]
Written by: G. Willow Wilson
“Loki in Love”

Loki returns to the Kingdom of Asgardia with a big mopey frown. “Thor did it,” he says. He was supposed to stop the frost giant incursion, but instead of tearing them up with swords and daggers Loki decided to charge across the sky in a chariot of stinky, smelly sun horses and shed an enormous amount of light and heat on the frost giants, melting them into disgusting puddles!

But then the horses didn’t do anything but poop.

The Kingdom of Asgardia’s King and Queen, I guess, make stern faces at Loki (who is covered in turds). They don’t like how things have been going for him, so they’re reassigning him to a post in New Jersey! “Jersey City was recently attacked by a man calling himself the Inventor. He used school children as his proxies. Some of them may still be at large in a place called Coles Academic High School.”

Loki sneers haughtily. Such piddling little New Jersey-related shit is none of his concern! I guess “Midgard” is, like, the known universe, because New Jersey is in Midgard and the Inventor was creating a device that could breach the barrier between Midgard and Asgard, and that would really suck for some reason. “Find a way into that school,” says the Queen of the Asgardians or Some Such. “If there is still a threat, neutralize it.”

Then Loki is sent through a lightning-tinged portal and dumped out of the sky on a Jersey City street! A passerby looks at Loki’s horns and asks him if he’s a hipster from Brooklyn, which Loki does not deny. The passerby points him in the direction of the school and suggests stopping by the Circle Q to ask any of the burnouts for help with being a weird sexual predator. Have fun!

This is a bit of “local humor” for the folks back home!

Meanwhile, at the Circle Q where Kamala Khan’s buddy Bruno works, he’s practicing mustering up some courage to ask Kamala out to the Valentine’s dance. Like this: “hey bitch you wanna go get laid on 2/14?” Vick, Bruno’s degenerate brother, tells him to give it up. For one thing, she’s too good for him. For another thing, her strict-ass parents would never let her set foot outside her house on Valentine’s Day, of all days. That’s just asking for pregnancy!

Bruno is like F You Man, how is he supposed to live his life never knowing if Kamala feels the same way that he does? Vick the Dick tells him that she doesn’t anyway, ha! While the hissy fit ramps up, Loki enters the establishment with a look of triumph on his purple chiseled face.

“Whoa. Check out the Viking dude over there,” Vick says in awe.

“Probably one of those Williamsburg trust fund kids. They all dress like Martians,” Bruno responds.

Loki orders a cup of coffee. Kamala bursts through the entrance like Kramer. “I am gonna fail P.E.,” she moans. She can’t fail a class! What would her dad say?! He would say “BLAARRHBB NO VALENTINE’S DANCE FOR YOU UNTIL YOU’RE 56.”

Bruno smoothly tries to wedge in an idea: go to the Valentine’s dance for extra credit! LOL! That sounds plausible, right? Kamala is onto him immediately and bursts out laughing at his little ploy. Good one, Bruno, you scamp! Well, see ya later!

Loki knows how to fuck, my friend! Let Loki teach you how to fuck!

“Mio ragazzo, you have just been friend-zoned,” says a sly Vick.

“Friendship is not a zone, you idiot!” replies Bruno, this woke-ass mothafucka. Loki, an innocent bystander, is eating this all up for sure. He offers to help Bruno with snaring the ladies. “Get out a piece of paper. I am about to become your new best friend,” he says. Bruno grudgingly removes a little notebook and writes down the schlock Loki has to offer.

“My darling heart,” dictates Loki, “one glance from your night-dark eyes sets my soul alight with cold fire.”

“What does that even mean?” Bruno sneers.

“Quiet.”

Loki continues his wooing words and then grabs the notebook out of Bruno’s hand before he can even say “boo!”, which is not a very Valentine’s thing to say in the least. “I will deliver the letter myself. When this Kamala is languishing in your arms on the dance floor, you may thank me.”

The only thing Loki asks for in return is help with his scouting expedition! i.e. spying on high school kids. It’s only fair.

Loki billows away before Bruno really has a chance to protest! Someone’s gonna get a face full of embarrassment and it’s going to feel like so much humilation semen.

Later, Kamala is hanging out at her house with her friend what’s-her-name. Nakia. “’Cold fire’?! Am I being stalked? Should I give this thing to the FBI?”

Nakia thinks so. Kamala needs to shut this down ASAP before she gets axe murdered! But what if it’s real? Arrrrghhh!! Teenage years!! “Nobody’s ever been in love with me before…” Kamala smiles dreamily while Nakia maintains a disposition of intense boredom. “Oh come on, Kamala. Don’t tell me you’re falling for this nameless creepster.”

Falling for this nameless creepster she indeed is! Gonna have to find out more about this serial killer! Kamala Khan is now on a mission!

Bruno! Over here! A couple of fine young ladies who have no romantic interest in you whatsoever! HELLO!

The Valentine’s dance is here, and Bruno is frowning up a veritable storm! Loki is there to tell him to buck up, the night is young. Your young lover will surely show up!

And she does. “I can’t believe you let me drag you to this patriarchal capitalist display of fake affection,” Nakia says grumpily. Kamala isn’t listening to her whining, she’s trying to scope out the room for anyone who looks like he would be remotely interested in having a good time with Kamala Khan hubba hubba.

“I recognize that guy with the horns,” Kamala says as Loki grins seductively near the punch bowl. “He was at the Circle Q yesterday.” Looks like we’re in for a romantic mix-up! I can’t wait to see the foibles and shenanigans that will come out of this!

Nakia catches Loki spiking the punch with Asgardian truth serum in order to try to “weed out the culprit” with respect to his “find the Inventor” mission. She thinks he just poured in a hefty vial-full of a date rape drug. Kamala “suddenly remembers” she has something to do at home and cuts out of there.

A bunch of kids drink the punch. Two of them are Josh and Zoe. I think they were two airheads from the earlier storylines, but I don’t remember anymore. One sip of the heady elixir causes them to start lashing out at each other.

In fact, all the couples start lashing out at each other. Loki has a very strong “bitch and moan” potion.

Just another normal Valentine’s Day in the books.

Before all hell REALLY breaks loose, MS. MARVEL SHOWS UP TO SAVE THE DAY! “Everybody stop!” she yells, crashing through the fucking ceiling. “This guy is not in high school!”

Loki smiles and waves.

Ms. Marvel raises her gigantified fists! “What did you put in the punch?” she demands. Loki honestly answers the question and indicates that he’s checking to see if the Inventor is still running around. Ms. Marvel is like LET ME WORRY ABOUT THE INVENTOR, YOU PIECE OF SHIT and then she puts up her dukes.

Ms. Marvel leaps out to punch Loki, but he splits into six identical copies. Punching proves fruitless; she goes right through them like air.

“I dunno about God of Mischief,” Ms. Marvel thinks, “but anybody who can make six of himself is prolly not human.” She does end up connecting a punch right to Loki’s face, which irks him a tad. He breathes dust in her face and she crashes to the floor.

Bruno ain’t havin’ it! “Hey, Hipster Viking,” he snarls, putting a couple of his own noodly dukes up. “Have a taste of your own medicine!” Then he splashes Loki with punch. Loki is now fully irked, but Ms. Marvel grabs him up with an enormous hand before he has time to react in kind.

Some of the punch got into Loki’s system, because he starts fessing up: “I was only trying to help. Did it ever occur to you that there might be ways to solve a problem without smashing things? You remind me of my brother.”

Ms. Marvel says that Loki has to let people make their own mistakes. Loki argues that one person’s mistake can be devastating to another person. Ms. Marvel strikes a deal: put a ward on the school so that it doesn’t get attacked by robots again. Loki thinks it’s a fine idea! So he does.

“Goodbye Ms. Marvel,” Loki says walking out of the school. “I will tell the All-Mother that I found no evidence of Inventor spies at this school.”

And that’s a wrap!

Bruno asks Ms. Marvel if she’s ok. Ms. Marvel, who is Kamala Khan very cleverly disguised with an eyemask, tells him that if Kamala were here she would tell him that she’s very grateful for their friendship. Bruno gets the hint and they both fistbump. Ms. Marvel books it out of there.

“Good thing I didn’t drink the punch. Happy Valentine’s Day, Ms. Marvel.”

Final Thoughts

COME ON, KAMALA! YOU’RE NOT GONNA PUT OUT FOR BRUNO?! HE’S A NIIIIIIIICE GUUUUUYY!!!

At the very least you can do it to stick it to your parents! This is what being a teenager is all about!