Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Hawkeye (Vol. 4), Issue #5 – “The Tape (Part 2)”! In the previous installment, Clint Barton learns that S.H.I.E.L.D. fucking misplaced a VHS tape of him assassinating the world’s biggest terrorist and now they’re tasking him with going to a fancy auction on the other side of the world and buying it back. FANTASTICAL. Because it is.

Madame Masque is very interested in the tape and bids one billion euros, clinching ownership. BUT THEN IN A TWIST, it was actually Kate Bishop in a Madame Masque mask! Oh snap!

Meanwhile, Barton’s being skulked by a handful of assassins in his own hotel room. lol.

Hawkeye (Vol. 4), Issue #5 [February, 2013]
Written by: Matt Fraction
“The Tape (Part 2)”

With his whole person still tied to a chair, Clint Barton throws himself through the window of his 900th story hotel room. He looks down as he falls and decides that his situation is much better than it was a few seconds ago when ninjas were prowling around his premises. All sorts of trying to hack him up with swords and knives. He fights these guys, barely, and leaps through the window. Now we’re back to where we started!

Kate Bishop, having successfully secured the tape of Barton killing a high-level terrorist politician criminal mastermind genius plumber extraordinaire, watches the tape of Barton killing the high-level terrorist politician actor-turned-home decorator spunky and available casanova extraordinaire. Right in the eyeballs, two arrows, while a couple of prostitutes helplessly watch. “Clint killed Du Ke Feng,” she says to herself as she views this VHS tape on her Blu-Ray player.

Shit, do you know what this means? It means the Avengers are liars. S.H.I.E.L.D. are liars. If they’re lying, who else is lying? Congress? It’s anarchy!

A security agent raps on Bishop’s door. She dons her Madame Masque’s madame mask, opens the door, and is like “wtf mate?” The guy heard a crash. Then he barges in because he hears another crash. Then they discover the real Madame Masque tied up in another room, kicking around and breaking things.

Now two agents are pointing their guns at the still-masked Bishop, who holds up her hands in the universal expression of “I don’t like being shot at, please.”

Don’t look now, Kate Bishop, but I think Clint Barton is positively falling for you!

Falling, falling, falling, Barton prepares to the kiss the ground and suffer blunt force trauma to his entire butt when suddenly, and with a WOOSH, an aircraft swoops in and catches the falling Barton. It’s some sort of weird air jetski shaped like a giant slug, and Maria Hill is driving it. He breaks the chair upon impact, setting him free. Next thing you know, all the ninjas have leapt aboard themselves and start fighting Barton for a bit while Hill flies around recklessly.

Long story short, they all fall down.

Back in Madame Masque’s hotel room, she fumes about the secret service agents allowing a CHILD like Kate Bishop to infiltrate her quarters and steal her identity and buy the tape and then watch the tape and, oh yeah, also tie her up and stuff. The agents are carrying Bishop by the arms. Then a puzzling exchange occurs.

“Wait. You’re a kid – do you smoke?” Madame Masque asks Bishop.

“I… excuse me?”

“Smoke. Cigarette. Children smoke cigarettes. Are you one?”

“…no?”

“Good girl. Smart. Live Longer. I smoked for years…”

She’ll also use the top of your head as a beer coaster.

Then Madame Masque starts yammering about smoking cigarettes and trying to quit and how the trying to quit had made her really hate smoking. Just the lack of control over herself was completely awful. But now, she really wants a cigarette. She’d pay $1,000 for one right now. Then she’ll burn Bishop’s face. It’s a pretty violent threat. Keep the kids out of the room for this one.

Madame Masque returns to the party with a sad Kate Bishop in tow, but the festivities are quickly cut short by a floating slug-like air jetski outside of the window. “My ride’s here,” Bishop smiles and Barton readies an arrow. With a FWIP (which isn’t in comic, but it’s in my HEADCANON), the arrow shatters the giant glass pane and Barton leaps through.

The shock of a huge floor-to-ceiling window shattering gives Barton and Bishop enough time to run the fuck away. But wait, oh shit and fuck and damn, where’s the tape? THE TAPE, WOMAN. THE TAPE. WHERE’S THE TAPE?? *smack punch bruise*

It’s still in the VHS player where she left it. D’oh! Gotta get it before it gets leaked to the internet and becomes the hottest sensation since that video where the guy dies fucking the horse. Meanwhile, ninja stars are coming at them in all directions and it’s chaos, man. This isn’t worth it!

After a bit more bru-ha-ha, they make their way to Madame Masque’s room to retrieve the tape. For some reason, they see fit to have an emotional exchange while being heavily persued by a hotel full of very strong, mean people.

I know right? It’s like put that blacklight away. Ha ha…

“I… I watched it, Clint.”

“You shouldn’t have done that.”

“I know. I just went through so much, dressing up like Masque to get it that I–”

“Some things you can’t un-see, Kate. Ever.”

“You said you never killed anybody.”

“No I didn’t.”

“Pretty sure you did.”

“No, I didn’t, because that’d be lying. I will never lie to you, Kate. Ever. About anything. Otherwise, what’s the point?”

Awww, so sweet. Like a packet of that saccharine shit that causes cancer.

Then Barton realizes that it was Bishop that was digging around his groin looking for the S.H.I.E.L.D. credit card. Gross!

As they hobble toward the elevator, Madame Masque comes around the corner. “You and I have a date with a pack of Gitanes–” she says, chasing them down with a gun. Then she shoots the gun. But the two had entered the elevator already when the lady shot the gun. Then the lady shoots the elevator doors. “Next time, Hawkeye,” she says like Dr. Claw from Inspector Gadget. “Next time.”

Try Newports next time for a classier cigarette!

It’s revealed in the elevator that Masque did indeed shoot Barton right in the fucking chest. Good thing he was wearing a bulletproof vest, as all smart young men do in this economy. He blacks out and wakes up in the hospital surrounded by loved ones (yeah right), but mostly Maria Hill, Nick Fury, and Kate “The Slate” Bishop. Barton suffered cracked ribs and a bruised liver. Also a head wound. And a broken heart. And shingles, probably.

“But we won, right?” he asks. “Everything turned out okay?”

This is the part where Nick Fury says a lot of words. It amounts to this: The Hawkeye tape was a decoy. Du Ke Feng was actually killed by Navy Seals, and their identities remain safe. Someone was trying to figure out who they were, so S.H.I.E.L.D. created three decoy tapes to throw them off the scent (the other two had Captain “Shitfuck” America, and Logan “Wolverine” O’Donanhue Tambor Lennon Spacey Colbert, respectively). They effectively flushed out the mole! Madame Masque was moling it up! Thanks for your help!

“So you were… all this was theater?” Bishop cries incredulously. “People could’ve gotten killed. We could’ve gotten killed.”

Oh boo hoo. Barton gave them permission. Seemed like the right thing to do. These Navy Seals have families. Barton has his jar of mustard and his little pud. “I dunno, I wanted to help.”

Kate Bishop touches his hand. “You’re okay, Barton. Anybody ever tell you that? As far as people go, you’re okay.”

Final Thoughts

OK, this series is pretty good. I like some gritty, flawed characters but it’s too bad that Barton didn’t actually kill that guy.

But he did kill SOME guy, and I’m sure that won’t be revealed at all ever.

I may come back to this one sooner rather than later. I haven’t liked a bow-and-arrow man this much since… that guy who steals from the rich and gives to the poor. What’s his name? Bill Murray?