Archie (Vol. 1), Issue #585

Welcome to Archieness & Riverdalers Presents: Archie (Vol. 1), Issue #585!

Archie (Vol. 1) , Issue #585 [July, 2008]

”A Yelp for Help!” – George Gladir

George Gladir was 700 years old in 2008 and I heard they strapped him to a chair and forced him to keep pumping out Archie Comics in order to appease the other 700-year-olds who still read this trash.

Anyway, onward to the trash! Betty, Archie, and Jughead are in the middle of bumper-to-bumper traffic on their way to the Holocaust Denier Museum. Betty’s driving. Jughead’s in a car seat in the back and he’s fidgety. Betty wonders why there are no good part-time jobs in town. Archie says there are! They’re all taken up by angry commuters and over-scheduled teens who hate working and need a break! And what can these three young whipper-snappers do to help these poor, unfortunately souls? “We could help them with their neglected chores!”

Oh boy, an issue about cleaning houses. George Gladir, you’ve done it again!

Jughead is skeptical, as usual. That sounds like work, and work fucking sucks. But then they pass by a billboard advertising the heart attack-causing Super Colossal Burger for $6.45. And since Jughead is absolutely impoverished as all get-out, a job suddenly sounds pretty attractive right now.

And lo’, “Go-For Guys ‘n’ Gals” is born, the worst name for a teenage cleaning company I’ve ever heard. Who the FUCK came up with that? Some loser characters that have been around since 1939?

Butthole waxing is a steal! Get ‘em while they’re hot!

Veronica catches wind of this sad little enterprise and asks Betty to return a pile of department store items. She has a date coming up and she can’t be bothered to waste time going to store. In person. With people in it walking around. Blech! *spits*

Of course, when Betty gets to the store the Customer Service line is basically out the door. Meanwhile, the date that Veronica has coming up is with Archie, and he forgot, and he has to abandon his “Go-For Guys ‘n’ Gals ‘n’ Dogs ‘n’ Blimps” gig. But wait, argghh, he’s in the middle of a job he’s doing for Dilton, that little creep. “He wants me talk Lisa into going to the prom with him!”

Don’t be such a pussy, Dilton.

Archie finds Lisa playing tennis in the park. This is going to be a snap! “…I hope it doesn’t take too long to point out all of Dilton’s good points!” he thinks. Trust me, Archibald. It’ll take you 15 seconds.

Betty notices that there’s a huge sale going on at the store. Capital! She brought her laptop; she can post on RIVERDALE-STORE-DEALS.COM and let the whole town know that shitty knock-off designer purses are 60% off. Good going, Betty. You’re a woman of the people.

Veronica, who is playing tennis with Lisa, calls Dilton a dweeb, and I’m inclined to agree. Ronnie’s all mad that Archie canceled their date in order to sell Lisa on shitty Dilton, and Archie gets nervous. Tremble lines surround him, that’s how dang nervous he is!

It’s not without good reason.

You go, Ronnie! Show him who whacks the ass in this relationship!

Veronica chases Archie around the court while Lisa’s friends talk about how Archie is making pitches for prom dates. They want in on it too! Maybe Jeff with the 9” penis has no date yet! Archie’s got his work cut out for him now, boy howdy.

We switch gears over to Jughead, who is wearing the ugliest motherfucking shirt. A black button-down with a yellow collar and a pattern of giant, gaudy yellow stars. Someone should throw Jughead into a woodchipper. He is stuck with the bitch work: cleaning up poop at the local dog park. Can’t eat that, Jughead. Don’t even try it.

Why, Jughead’s so mad that he storms out of their little makeshift shed of an office and attempts to procure himself a Super Colossal Burger. $6.45! But the wretch only has seventeen cents on him. Looks like it’s time for some poopin’ scoopin’.

While at the dog park, a beefy kid is all like “HEY, YOU’RE THE KID WHO LIVES ACROSS THE STREET FROM ME! YOUR DOG IS LOUD ALL THE TIME! I’M GOING TO KILL YOU BY LETTING MY DOG CHOMP ON YOUR BONES!” and then Jughead runs away fast like a scared loser in a terrible goomba shirt.

Please take my dog off my hands, Jughead! Momma needs her wine-drivin’ time!

This act of cowardice results in a lucrative opportunity! Think of all the Super Colossal Burgers you can buy with… $12.90! Oh boy!

Everyone’s having a good time doing their menial tasks and making their chump change, except a problem has arisen: no one has any time for themselves anymore. Betty just got requested to check out all the garage sales in town and keep everyone posted on sweet-ass bargains, but Betty wants to play Red Dead Redemption. Reggie is going to pay Archie to tell his own prom day how lucky she is to be going out with the Reg-ster and possibly get boned without consent later that night. Jughead is walking so many dogs that his bowels have been emptied of hamburgers. Everyone is miserable.

“Archie! Our personal aide business is just too good!” Betty cries, waving around papers in a way that symbolizes how successful they are. “We’re being overworked and overstressed! We have no time to enjoy all the money we’re making!”

OK, dude, you’ve been working for three hours. Come and see me when your fingers are whittled down to the bone, you lazy kids.

Archie’s got a top-notch solution. They’ll hire their own aides! Ha ha ha ha haaaa!!!

Oh, that’s the end? All right then.

”Par for the Course” – Bill Golliher

Mr. Lodge invites a rich fuck named J.B. over for a schmancy dinner in order to become better acquainted. This is, of course, a business dinner. These two aren’t really friends. They probably hate each other and wish nothing but a slow death. For themselves.

Someone yells “FORE!” and J.B. gets smacked in the side of the head with a golf ball, rendering him braindead and comatose. “Did anyone see my golf ball?” asks Archie, making an appearance at the scene of the crime. A comeuppance is nigh.

It’s not only a golf ball, but it’s Archie’s lucky golf ball! You know, because it has a picture of a four-leaf clover on it or something? “Veronica!” says Mr. Lodge when Veronica descends the staircase. “What is Archie still doing here?!” Archie isn’t allowed around the house anymore ever since he took a big poop in the fountain seventeen times in one weekend. “She said I could stay for dinner!” Archie says, smiling, not reading the room.

Don’t embarrass me in front of the fat businessman, Archie! Or it’ll be the pillary for you yet again!

J.B. thinks this is a wonderful idea! The more the merrier! Come, son, let’s indulge in boiled squid as guests of honor! They can talk about J.B. golf course enterprise, his life’s work! Why, he and Mr. Lodge are going to join forces and rework one together! Expand it, even! Just clear out thousands of square miles of ancient Native America burial grounds and natural endangered ocelot habits.

This happy guy invites everyone to visit the course. Archie, Veronica, even Veronica’s mom who I didn’t even know wasn’t killed by a runaway hot dog cart. “Oh dear, I’ll have to buy a golfing outfit!” Mrs. Lodge says, not realizing that the plan to go NOW so get moving.

Oh, it’s the next morning. Well, Mrs. Lodge has her golfing outfit (yellow t-shirt) and she, Mr. Lodge, and J.B. are all waiting for the kids to arrive. And, when they least suspect it, Archie and Veronica barrel down the grass at 500 miles per hour, running over J.B.’s foot in the process. Then he whacks clods of dirt in J.B.’s face while trying to tee off.

Then he fucking caves J.B.’s head in with his golf club.

Sorry, sir! I slathered Vaseline on my hands today!

J.B. takes the abuse in stride instead of calling the police. “ARRRCHIE!” Mr. Lodge screams, grabbing Archie by the scruff. “You’ve abused my new business partner for the last time!!”

I’d bet against that, my good man. There are limitless opportunities to abuse your business partner: a golf flag up the bum, a face full of sand trap, inhalation of spicy club food into the lungs. But Archie takes the hint and skedaddles on out of there. “As a matter of fact, Veronica – I forbid you to ever date that klutz again!” Mr. Lodge gesticulates at his hapless daughter, whose only crime was falling in love with the biggest moron in Riverdale.

J.B.’s eyes light up! This is a grand opportunity to set Veronica up with his son! And Mr. Lodge loves this idea. A symbolic way to close this business deal! He rubs his hands devilishly.

“As a matter of fact,” J.B. smiles, “Archie reminds me an awful lot of my son! I guess that’s why I took such an interest in him!”

“EEP! The deal is off!”

Oh Mr. Lodge, you card you.

”Lucklorn” – Craig Boldman

Archie laments his lack of luck in life. Jughead thinks this is hogwash! Literally! He says this about it: “Hogwash!”

“A guy makes his own kind of luck! It comes from deeds and actions!” Jughead argues as he thinks about eating hot dogs, probably. Immediately after disparaging luck, Jughead finds a quarter on the ground. But he still believes that luck isn’t real, just like God and the Bible.

Then he finds a dollar on the ground.

Whup, there it is!

Luck still doesn’t exist, though. Get it out of your head.

Betty arrives on the scene. “Archie, you looks annoyed!”

“I am, kinda sorta! It’s this character!” Archie points an accusing finger at the Head of Jugs. “If he’s going to have a run of good luck, he should at least admit it!!”

Betty is also of the opinion that this so-called “luck” is a pile of horse hockey.

Then Jughead finds a $5 bill on the ground.

Archie is beside himself with furious manslaughter levels of anger. He hoots and hollers and kicks the dirt and causes a lot of concern in his friends. Jughead has an idea: drop a load of money on the sidewalk and let him find it. Then his bitch-ass will stop whining.

Archie continues to literally cry while Jughead and Betty scheme to have their friend find a measly $1. And after Jughead convinces him to walk in front of him now, Archie gets a burst of pep! “One side, Forsythe!” he says, pushing Juggy out of the way. “I’ll lead this parade for a while!”

And lo’, he finds the $1 that Betty planted not 10 seconds ago! Woo hoo! Luck be a lady tonight, dorks! Archie is raking it in!

Then Jughead becomes the 1000th person to walk by the WRIV Prize Van parked on the street. He is greeted with a hearty congratulations from a large group that awards him cash, clothes, concert tickets, games, videos, and a trip to Hawaii.

Meanwhile, Archie rolls up the dollar and jerks off with it.