Welcome to Archieness & Riverdalers Presents: Betty and Veronica (Vol. 1), Issue #220! And happy birthday to my darling wife, who turns 492 this year!

Betty and Veronica (Vol. 1), Issue #220 [April, 1974]

”A Star Is Born”

‘70s fashion is at it again! Betty’s wearing a patchwork quilt with 40 bright colors on them. Veronica is wearing pants you might find on some octogenarian at the golf course. Those were certainly the days!

We meet our titular two ladies in Riverdale High’s hallway. “YOU? Betty Cooper, are to play WHAT?” Veronica gapes in disbelief. Yes, yes. Betty Cooper has been cast in the school play as a “teen-age temptress”!

“Ha! That’s like casting Snow White as the Bride of Frankenstein!” laughs Reggie, the school’s Scott Baio. Even Archie is laughing uproariously at this, which really peeves Betty to high heaven. “Humph!” she grunts as she goes home to get her gun.

Just kidding! What she actually does is starts strutting her stuff and going “why CAN’T I be a femme fatale”? And Archie, good ol’ Archie, is like “MAYBE THE OLD COW IS IN A COMEDY!!” and everyone agrees and Betty goes home to get her gun.

Even Dilton, the school’s Potsie, hurls some insults at Betty as she storms off. “Clowns!” she screams. “Nothing but clowns!”

Jughead rushes around the corner at maddening speeds and leaps into Betty’s arms. “Betty!! Tempt me!” I actually laughed at that. Good going, Archie Comics. It was the first time!

Veronica, you catty bitch! *pulls back trigger*

Everyone gets in their final digs before Betty actually really leaves this time. “Poor Betty!” Veronica says, tears in her eyes. “She couldn’t tempt Jughead with a hamburger!”

The riotous laughter continues in the distance, and Betty cries. She cries and she can’t stop. There’s been about five pages of continuous ridicule and we might see someone who has been bullied into suicide for the first time in Wholesome Archie Comics!

“I guess maybe it is kind of silly to try to be what you’re not!” Betty exclaims as she walks by two boys with rapey glints in their eyes. “I truly thought I could do it, but I guess I’m just not the type!” She starts striking seductive poses absent-mindedly. “I suppose even the greatest actresses have their limits.” She makes a Marilyn Monroe face.

By now, the two boys have really been ensnared by the overt seduction! Next thing the rest of the gang knows, Betty’s got two boys in tow! An arm on each one! “By George, I think I’ve got it!” she says, which befuddles me. I can think of a million better things to say to her friends, such as “Look at this, you fuckin’ nerds” and “Threesome time!”

We are treated to an intermission in the comic book where we see Betty rocking bowtie fashions and Veronica sporting ugly knee-high flower socks. I don’t know who these pages are for but I’m not running out to get flower socks and bowties anytime soon. Ask me in a month.

”The Maverick”

The narration is quite enthusiastic!

“All the world loves a Maverick! Someone who doesn’t follow the pack! They’re different! They’re exciting! They’re adventurous!”

But enough about Sarah Palin, of course. We’re talkin’ about a guy. We’re talkin’ about a guy named Guy. A guy named Guy who won’t pull over when a cop wants him to! Betty is in the passenger seat and she’s quite concerned, because Guy seems like the type to accidentally careen off the side of a cliff with a blood alcohol content of 2.7%.

Guy drives like a piece of shit through the streets until he gets to his house. Hopefully, other cops weren’t on his tail! And hey, his license plate is so full of mud that there’s no way they were able to write it down! Ha ha ha ha! Yes! Betty calls him a “wild, mad fool” and I’m guessing she’s more than a little titillated.

FUCK tha Police! Haha! 1312, pigs!

Betty describes Guy as “scandalous, thrilling, and devilishly exciting”. He would whack men in the head with pool cues at biker bars, and he’d never finish his mashed potatoes at dinnertime. No respect for rules! No respect for the law! Betty is in fucking heaven, man. She loves being bad!

“By comparison, boys like Archie and Reggie were dull, dull, dull!”

They both try to protect Betty. They insist that Guy ain’t no good. He hangs out with the bad crowd, see? He likes it rough and tough, see? But all Betty wants is attention from these two for some reason. But NOOOOOOOO! It’s all about Veronica! Veronica, Veronica, Veronica! So she gloms onto the guy who wants to be with her.

And that guy is the Guy guy.

His friends all look like degenerates. Spider got busted yesterday, they say, but they don’t elaborate. Insider trading? Money laundering? Probably. Spider loves white-collar crime. But they don’t need Spider to have a good time downtown making a ruckus, scaring the children, and eating the rats. One kid has a beer belly, wild blond hair, and a 5:00 shadow. He looks like Buzz Osborne.

One night, though, everything changed…

Guy and Betty are driving around the neighborhood at 700 mph. Guy clips a parked car while making a turn. “Whoops! Ha, ha!” he says. “Little close, that one! Let’s split!”

Split they do, sorta, until Betty screams for Guy to stop. “THAT WAS MY DADDY’S CAR!” she was known to yell. Now, now, Betty, you wouldn’t rat on ol’ Guy, would ya? Skank. You skanky skank, you.

That was the last straw for Betty. And the first straw, honestly. She gets out of the car and walks the fuck away. “And don’t call me! I sure won’t call you!”

Betty’s dad was already staring at the damage once she got home. Tsk tsk, he says. Hitting and running? Very cowardly! Oh yeah, and his car looks like shit now. There’s that, too.

I hope you like a shallow grave, Betty.

Mr. Cooper starts crying. With tears of sorrow and disappointment in his eyes, he asks why, why, oh why, Betty, do you run with the bad crowd now?!

“The greatest injury is not to the car! It’s the hurt inside of me! I know the feeling of failure! I really thought I was doing a better job!”

He walks away, leaving Betty sobbing her lungs out on her bed. Later, she commits a very messy suicide! And so ends this miserable afterschool special. Thanks for playing.

”Pin Up”

Veronica is wearing an awfully tacky leopard skin coat that Archie compliments like the kissass that he is. Betty is concerned that Veronica isn’t aware of the leopard’s endangeredness. Veronica gets mad and tells her that the coat is dacron and go fuck yourself.

”Temptation”

“We could get into trouble!” gasps Betty.

“We ought to steer clear and we both know it!” agrees Veronica.

Dilton peers around a tree with an orange and black plaid vest that looks like Halloween threw up on your grandma’s shag carpet. “What’s that? What are you girls talking about?” And, of course, the girls want to shove this nerd’s head into a toilet.

“So anyway, what’s the problem?” Dilton persists even though his presence is unwanted by many. Betty and Veronica are suddenly happy to have an ear: there’s a rumor going around about a boy! Isn’t that exciting?! Legend has it that his penis is–

“I’ll tell you what’s rumor!” Archie stomps into the scene with his finger up and ready to wag at anyone who gets in his way. “The rumor is that he’s no good – with a Capital N.G.!”

Betty and Veronica smile at each other and agree with Archie winkingly. NO GOOD IS RIGHT! Legend has it that his balls are–

“Ah, I see!” Dilton gets it now! “They’re afraid they might run into this fellow!”

Oh, my poor sweet Dilton. We’re talking about penises and balls here. Don’t you know what girls like? Sweet, sweet, Dilton. Poor, sweet, Dilton, dripping with honey, covered in whipped cream…

Sounds like someone’s getting a visit from the Pillsbury Doughboy!

“Why, he’s a challenge to any woman!” Betty exclaims.

“We’re all reformers at heart, you know!” Veronica chimes in.

“To make over a beast like that! What a victory!” Betty adds.

“What a sense of power!” Veronica says.

OK, now I’m confused. Is something heinously sexual happening here? Well, Archie and Dilton are in on it, and Archie just lost a bet. “This time I thought I had you, Dilton!” Archie grumbles, digging angrily into his pockets for a fresh 1973 penny. Now the tables have turned, and it’s Betty and Veronica who don’t know what’s going on.

“Arch couldn’t believe that girls would actually fight to meet a complete stinker!” laughs Dilton. “So we made up a rumor to see how you two would react!”

The girls chase the boys with the intention of gutting them both with a garden rake.

“THERE ARE WORSE THINGS IN THIS WORLD THAN COMPLETE STINKERS!” Betty yells.

“THERE ARE YOU TWO, FOR EXAMPLE!” Veronica yells.

What a prank for the ages.

Final Thoughts

Keep your grandma away from this particular Archie comic, kids! She’ll shit in your hat and then she’ll make you wear the hat on your butt!