Welcome to Archieness & Riverdalers Presents: Archie (Vol. 1), Issue #153!

Archie (Vol. 1) , Issue #153 [March, 1965]

”Language Barrier”

Welcome to the prehistoric era! Caveman Archie holds down his own while Caveman Reggie gets whapped by a brontosaurus. OR APATOSAURUS, IF YOU WILL. Maybe it’s actually a diplodocus. It’s a big honkin’ dinosaur, at any rate, and the boys are getting trounced trying to fight the thing. In the distance, Cavewoman Betty and Cavewoman Veronica watch the carnage. “I guess we’d better go help!” says Caveman Betty.

The cavegirls walk right up the dinosaur and shout “VAMOOSE!”, which caused it to run away yipping like a dog with its tail between its legs. The caveboys are impressed, especially with that mysterious word “VAMOOSE!”

“Maybe we should use it in our language!” says CaveArchie.

“You have a language?” asks CaveRonnie.

“We’re making one up!” responds CaveArchie.

Then they all realize that they’re all speaking the same language and how, pray tell, did everyone learn it? Well, they all made it up! And it happens to be the God’s English.

Now things have gone tribal! Don’t use your language, that’s my language! Use another language! But you guys are stealing my language! Language language language! It’s lost all meaning!

Hell yeah! Hurt me more, Cavelady! Hurt me!

Misunderstandings abound. CaveArchie says he’s going to give CaveBetty a kiss when he means punch. When CaveBetty beans him over the head with her club, CaveArchie complains about his hurt foot. When CaveReggie sees fire over the river, he calls it water. Well, the cavegirls are getting really tired of this shit and they throw both CaveArchie and CaveReggie into the river. “That— is water!” claims CaveBetty.

By now I’m laughing really hard at the antics from 1965. This shit’s better than the fucking Flintstones! Or worse! I haven’t made a decision yet.

Caveboys think the Cavegirls are “dumb funny-looking animals” and are definitely not savory-looking to fuck for them apparently.

“Stupid creatures,” gripes CaveArchie. “I wonder what they are anyway.”

“Who cares!” responds CaveReggie. “They’ll be extinct in no time!”

Then the caveboys decide to fish for some “birds” until a stegosaurus scares the shit out of them. “KRAAAGH!” it says, scaring the caveshit out of their cavediapers.

But CaveArchie has an idea…

“VAMOOSE!” he bellows toward the beast! And verily, it runs away like a dog you just smacked on the nose with a rolled up baseball bat with a nail sticking out of it. “Son of a gun!” says CaveReggie. “Maybe they’ve got something going for them after all!”

SO THEY FIND THE CAVEGIRLS IN THEIR CAVEGIRL CAVE AND START LEARNING BETTER ENGLISH! CAVEBETTY GIVES CAVEARCHIE THE OL’ “FUCK ME” EYES! THE END!

”The Get Together”

Archie overhears his bald, fat father speaking to Mr. Lodge about something. Very curious! Mr. Andrews hates Mr. Lodge, right? He once sprayed his eyes with pepper spray and then lopped off his testicles. You don’t make friends that way.

“Before you hang up, could I speak to Veronica?” Archie asks hopefully.

“I’LL SEE!” responds Pops, pants full of angry diarrhea.

Well, in the end Mr. Andrews decides that his son is worthy of friendly communication with the opposite sex. But they’re both very nervous! Their dads are talking? To each other? Fishy fishy!

They both meet up outside at a safe, neutral location.

“What do you think they’re up to?” asks Archie.

“It sounds like total war!” responds Veronica.

“They never joined forces before!”

“Somehow we’ve pushed them too far!”

At school the next day, Jughead offers a very reasonable explanation: “Perhaps they just want to see each other!”

Go fuck yourself, Jughead.

Laugh track plays so long that the audience dies of starvation.

Archie keeps calling Veronica stuff like “baby” and “angel” so they must be boning these days while Betty eats Salisbury steaks with Jughead. Meanwhile, Reggie quietly jerks off in the corner of his dusty, cobwebbed bedroom.

OH MAN, WHAT NOW?! They oversee Principal Weatherbee, of all people, on the phone with Archie’s dad! “Certainly, Andrews!” he says with unnecessary gruffness. “And it’s all right with Lodge, too?”

Oh man. The adults are going to strap chastity belts on all the children. Say it ain’t so! Time to spread the word around the school before it’s too late!

“No foolin’?”

“Banding together, eh?”

These are the two mild reactions from the most mild-looking of mild nerds in the school. One kid looks like 35-year-old Bill Nye.

“We’ve got just three days to nip their plan in the bud!” rallies Veronica. So here’s their plan: everyone be nice! OK? Be on your best behavior! OK? Be good little girls and boys so that the issue can end with all the dads winking at each other for causing their kids to be good for the rest of the week. Calling it now.

I’ll lower the boom on you, kiddo. I’ll dip that boom right onto you. Just plop that boom.

So, three days later, Principal Weatherbee is as suspicious as a cat in the snake in the house in the grass. Miss Grundy is particularly unnerved by the peace and quiet AND the perfect attendance. “Not one sneaky prowler pussyfooting around the halls!” Weatherbee observes. “By George, they’re not going to get away with it!”

Weatherbee invites a literally quivering Mr. Andrews and Mr. Lodge to his office. “I’m afraid I’ll have to bow out of our little hunting trip,” Weatherbee tells them. They both continue quivering. “The students must have found out I was taking Friday off! They’re planning some monstrous mischief!”

By George! “So that’s it!” Mr. Andrews quivers. “Archie’s been helping around the house something fierce!

Mr. Lodge quivers! “Veronica’s been in bed early! — With her homework done!”

WELL, LET’S NIP THIS IS THE BUD RIGHT NOW! Time to fuck their world up with POP QUIZZES and TAKE-HOME EXAMS and YARD WORK and FORCED SLAVERY and BREAKING CHILD LABOR LAWS and PLENTY OF CANINGS.

Our dads got us drunk!

”Dullsville”

“Nothing ever happens in Riverdale!” says Archie as the car he’s in gets filled with water exploding from under the fire hydrant he just knocked loose with the fucking car he’s in. That’s pretty funny, actually.

“It’s Dullsville from the minute I get up in the morning…” *falls out of bed*

“The dismal routing existence begins right away…” *pulls faucet handle off of sink*

“I breakfast quietly as not to disturb dad…” *pours coffee on Dad’s penis*

“I unobtrusively slip out the door…” *slams door, Mom drops dishes*

Then it’s off to school where even more no-fun happens!

“I wish something would happen, but nothing ever does!” *circus van full of animals plows into tree at 300 mph*

“I wish I lived in a big city where excitement reigns…” *escaped ape kidnaps Jughead*

The ape makes friends with Jughead, who offers the ape a banana. The ape then follows Jughead to school and runs amok around the halls. Archie is oblivious to all this.

“School! Need I say more? Not exactly a beehive of activity!” *Miss Grundy gets scared by the ape and leaps out of a 115-story window like the 9/11 falling man*

“Believe me, I don’t know how I drag myself through each deadly, dull day! — Nothing ever happens in Riverdale!”

Thank you for the insight, Archie. In fact, you’re so correct that I’m not even going to feature a panel from this story! You got your wish, fucker.

”The Ingrate”

Archie’s gonna race Jughead to the Chock’lit Shoppe, and the loser has to spread their buttcheeks in public and make it say “I ATE YOUR MOM’S PUUUUUUSSSSYYY!!!”

They’re already speeding away like the Road Runner before Archie’s mom has a chance to catch her son’s attention. “Oooh! That boy!”

“What did he do this time, Mary?” Archie’s father asks, belly distended with malnourishment, I gather.

“Nothing! That’s the point!”

OH! Well, lady, then fuck off! Leave Archie alone!

Oh, never mind. Archie literally does nothing. He doesn’t take the garbage out or wash his dishes or clear out the browser history after dad watches too many movies about sweaty men.

You’re right, Mary. His room looks like a teenager from 1965 lives in it! That won’t do at all!

“I’m going to retrieve our wayward boy!” Dad screams, donning his best outdoor hat. “It’s about time that young ingrate was taught a lesson!

I guess the problem here, as you can see from the panel, is that it’s Mrs. Andrews’ birthday and Archie hasn’t said so much as a “you look like a monkey and you smell like one too” to her. WELL, NUTS TO THAT! Mr. Andrews is going to boot his son in the butt until he gives his mother a pinch to grow an inch!

Archie’s Dad gets directed all over town by everyone who saw him last. He passes through the woods, he falls into the creek walking along the stepping stones, he makes a hearty ass of himself every which way! Meanwhile, the Andrews homestead is visited by a custom cleaning service on Archie’s dime! And after a team of able-bodied, sweaty men (if only Mr. Andrews were here!) cleans the whole house top-to-bottom, they sing a special birthday message from their soulless redheaded spawn himself!

Finally, Mr. Andrews catches up with Archie looking worse for wear. “Your mother has a few choice words to say to you,” he growls, grabbing his son by the arm and dragging his ass back home.

When Archie gets home, his mother calls him wonderful. Well, sir, Mr. Andrews just about leaps out of his pants in surprise!

*laugh track*

PRODUCED BY DEAN PELTON. COPYRIGHT D. PELTON CARTOON PRODUCTIONS

Final Thoughts

Dear Archie, I’ve been a fan for decades. It would mean the world to me if you could post my letter in your next issue. –Love, Sally

THANKT YOU FOR YOUR FOR YOURE CONRTIBUTION, SALLYL! I AHVE AND BECASUE I HAVE IA HEEEVVE I HAVE TO THNK YOU! YOU A DN READER SLIKE YOUR AND YOU AND ARE THE BEST!! ! AND IF AI OAGJ IAND IF YOU ARE YOU CAN DO HAVE REPLY FOR ME AND MEEEE AND ME TO HAEV ALL TAHT YOU AND YOIU NEED, PLEASENTENJOY ARCHIEB ISSUE #17919 NEXT WEEK THANSK –ARRHCIE