Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Superman (Vol. 4), Issue #3 – “Son of Superman (Part 3)”! In the previous installment, a red herring from Issue #1 shows us that Superman wasn’t taking Jon to eradicate him in a gas chamber for his crimes against felinity, but instead taking him to rescue a submarine from an ice floe and/or an enormous squid. They bond over this weird moment.

Kathy Branden, the girl next door, tries to touch Jon Kent’s hand while they were sitting in a tree, but then Jon fell and got a concussion like a wuss.

A lava-like Superman insignia flies out of the ground near the submarine and finds its way to the Fortress of Solitude, where it absorbed artifacts lying around the place and formed some sort of weird Lava Superman. That’s really dumb and I hope it gets forgotten very soon!

Superman (Vol. 4), Issue #3 [September, 2016]
Written by: Peter Tomasi
“Son of Superman (Part 3)”

Outside the Fortress of Solitude, Superman carries Jon’s lifeless body with Lois in tow. They need to go there to see what’s wrong with little Jonny, I guess, instead of, like, going to a doctor’s office. Mostly, they need to figure out why this seemingly indestructible kid got hurt. And furthermore, t–

“WE HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU, KAL-EL. WE HAVE TRAVELED LONG AND FAR TO SAVE US.”

Superman sees this imposter lava-born Superman and barely bats an eye. All like “I’m going to make short work of you right here, right now” and then lunges at him with the force of a bullet train.

“TELL ME!” Superman screams, fists a’flyin’. “Why do you look like the Eradicator?!”

“BECAUSE WE ARE THE ERADICATOR,” it responds.

Meanwhile, Lois is flailing while the walls start crumbling around her. The Eradicator, as I recall from an issue of some 2000s Superman comic, exists to restore anything Kryptonian and eradicate anything that’s not Kryptonian. So, in true form, the Eradicator here wants to save Krypton (which already exploded). Superman is like “no dice!”

Jon Kent regains consciousness just in time for Lois to tell the kid to hurry out of the way with her.

The Eradicator has no choice but to beat Superman into submission! Good luck with that. Superman is as stubborn as seven mules.

Now come give me a kiss, sailor!

“Who’s that guy fighting with Dad?” Jon asks.

“Someone dangerous from our past,” Lois responds. “That’s all you need to know.”

Jon is compelled to help Pops, but your father is SUPERMAN, kiddo! He could get whacked over the head with a comically oversized dildo for hours without even breaking a sweat! He’ll be fine.

KRREKRRA! That’s the inscrutable sound of walls crumbling! “You’ve got no chance of convincing me of anything except to put you down fast and hard,” Superman proclaims, obviously struggling to a great degree.

Eradicator has sunglasses on, looking all like Hunter S. Thompson or @dril, claiming that this should be a day of CELEBRATION. He catches a giant slab of glass that had almost fallen on top of Lois and Jon, and he advises the woman and the boy to get out of the fucking way. Superman is floored by this. “…He… saved them.”

*cue lively opening credits*

…it’s your grades! Only a B+ in math? I’m going to kill you, son!

Anyway, that was fun. Now that the Eradicator is suddenly a Nice Boy, Superman has time to prop Jon up in a chair and take a look-see into his vitals. Eradicator stands there and stares at the procedure, which involves shining a beam of light at Jon’s torso. He has to lie there until they get a complete diagnostic, which could take upwards of thirteen years to complete. Here, have a Rubik’s cube.

Jon wants to go home, but Lois says tough titties. There’s inconsistency in his invulnerability. One minute he’s getting hit by cars without a scratch, next minute he’s choking on popsicle sticks! Perhaps Jon’s body is still adapting to puberty superpowers.

Now back to Eradictor! What are you doing here in the first place, sir? Who invited you anyway? The Queen of England? ‘Cause she’s dead!

“WE ARE HERE BECAUSE WE ARE FATED TO BE HERE. AFTER ASSIMILATING PERSONAL OBJECTS WITHIN YOUR FORTRESS, WE NOW WEAR YOUR HOUSE SYMBOL PROUDLY.” But before they started looking for The Superman, there was a secret protocol that they had to comply with while Krypton was still an actual planet in the sky.

The protocol was created by General Zod. The Eradicators were tasked with arresting any Kryptonian lawbreakers on his list by whatever means necessary. If that meant luring them into a giant mousetrap with giant cheese, then so be it.

“GENERAL ZOD DIRECTED US TO DRAW OUT THE LAWBREAKERS’ LIFE FORCE AND TRANSFER THEM TO A PHANTOM ZONE PROJECTOR WHERE THEY WOULD AWAIT TRIAL.”

Things are getting stupid again! Look out!

Bodies were held in cryo-chambers while they awaited trial. Eradicators scoured the entire planet of Krypton for lawbreakers. Then Krypton started exploding! Eradicators were sort of destroyed, sort of, I guess! But they also witnessed the explosion! And then they saw one little rocket containing one little baby flying away from the planet! And then they had a new mission! Look for the sole survivor!

And that’s you, Superman, you lucky so-and-so!

In short, stop boning that human broad you call your wife.

The Eradicator has another mission, because he’s just chock full of missions. They’re going to take Jon and bolster his Kryptonian genome to undermine his human genome. Essentially, eradicate half of him. We’ll start with the torso and go down!

So then the Eradicator starts glowing, and Superman is like “what the hell are you doing, you lousy bag of poop?” Then the Eradicator blasts Jon with brilliant yellow light, making him yelp and squirm.

Then the Eradicator somehow eats Superdog, who I’m just mentioning for the first time. That’s another dumb thing that happens. Jon gets so sad and mad that his eyes start glowing a dangerous red. And now he means business. And business is booming.

Final Thoughts

I don’t know, man. Why can’t I just read comics where Superman is throwing a football around with his boy and going “GOOD JOB SON I’M SO PROUD” and then they go home and eat spaghetti and avoid all this Eradicator nonsense. And it is nonsense! Don’t tell me it’s not.

Ugh. DC. You’re so much worse than Marvel. It’s a shame.