Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: Black Science, Issue #6! In the previous installment, Grant’s kids get “kidnapped” by an older version of Grant who wants to keep them away from the “dangerous” younger version of Grant. Old Grant is with Sara, and they both claim that in every timeline the kids get killed. Young Grant is like “No way, Jose” and takes his kids back. Old Grant and Not-Sara shake their fists and say “Errrgghh, I’ll get you next time!”

They also say that Kadir is the saboteur of the Pillar in every timeline. So Grant confronts the fucker, who says that it’s actually Rebecca who is the saboteur. This makes Grant so mad that he tackles Kadir into an inactive volcano filled with Planet of the Apes-type monkeys.

We’re at the end of this particular part of the story! And let me tell you, it sure is a comic.

Black Science, Issue #6 [April, 2014]
Written by: Rick Remender

“Rebecca will fix the Pillar. Shawn will watch over the kids. Get them home safe to Sara,” Grant thinks as he and Kadir plummet down into the volcano. They crash through a glass domed ceiling and into some water, effectively saving both their lives. Grant breathes a sigh of relief. Another chance to set things right for the future…

Five minutes until the Pillar makes its next jump, so these two motherfucks don’t have much time to crawl their asses back up. Chandra starts walking down some manmade volcano steps with the intention of saving Kadir. Pia does the same with the intention of saving Grant.

Meanwhile, Grant keeps kicking Kadir’s face while underwater; trying to drown the bastard in “an alien pool of shit”. The apes scream “ARGHOOO!” as Grant hoists himself out of the water. He looks around and sees dozens of baby apes crying in bassinets. Fuck, he landed in some sort of nursery. That’s gonna piss everyone off.

So Grant leaves Kadir flailing in the water and runs up the steps and away from the apes. Let Kadir deal with the apes if he’s still alive! The Volcano Monkeys give chase and Grant kicks and punches their faces. Grant hears the gasps and pants of Kadir, who has risen to the surface. The immediate threat to the children! The apes turn around, descend the stairs and, I assume, rip Kadir’s stupid throat out. Fuck that guy.

Up atop the rim of the volcano, Rebecca has been holding Pia back from running after her dad. Pia is like “LET GO OF ME, YOU HARPY CUNT”, obviously not very pleased that Kadir revealed her father’s infidelity in front of her. Pia’s about to crack Rebecca in the face when Shawn stops her.

His ass-kisser, his floozy, his shoeshine boy, his bootlicker, his panty sniffer, and his proctologist.

“If Chandra wants to go, running headlong into it, that’s her choice. But you and Nate are our responsibility.”

Pia fucking hates this guy. She’s going and she doesn’t care. No one can stop her…

…except her little brother, who just fired a gun into the air. “Nobody’s going anywhere,” he says menacingly. Looks like we have a new leader! Take the lead, Mr. President!

As Kadir fends off apes, he thinks about the stupid Pillar and how the stupid Pillar got everyone into this mess. Fuck that pillar!

Kadir cuts down a plant that makes all the monkeys shriek. Some sort of strange light emanates from it, almost taking the form of a creature with, like, eyeballs and shit. Kadir starts whipping a staff that the ethereal form, yelling for it to get back. Is it a ghost? A spirit of sorts? A genie? Giygas from Earthbound? Sentient gas life. The infant apes suck up the mist through their mouths and their eyes start glowing bright red-orange. The adult apes, too, have similar eyes. As if in a trance, the adults start picking up the infants, completely unaware now of Kadir. He takes advantage of the distraction and runs out of the volcano. Like a dog.

Kadir should have never let this Pillar project happen. He knew the blasted thing was evil. “Interdimensional travel can only end in catastrophe. Chaos points in all directions. Order points in only one.”

Grant has now caught up with Kadir on the steps and fighting continues. They stop fighting for a moment to marvel at some more ape technology they see before their beady little eyes. An Ape does a double take, as if he recognizes Grant. “Rotom arel, Gra’net?”

Kadir walks away and snaps a tripwire. A large device tumbles to the floor and breaks. Grant suspects it was another Pillar. An alternate dimension Pillar. “Another way home – destroyed by Kadir.”

Kadir, you scamp! Always after the almighty dollar!

Kadir stops and turns around suddenly. “I’m done running, Grant. We’re heading back to the others – now.” Grant’s like “you’re done giving orders, bitchcakes.” Kadir’s like “your Pillar sucks.”

And Grant’s like “then why did you hire us all to build the Pillar then, asshole?”

And Kadir’s like “you were supposed to fail, numbnuts.” And he’s going to find the evil, shitty Pillar and jump with the rest of the group. “So you’ve got a decision to make,” he tells Grant. “You can come with, or get the hell out of my way.”

Then Kadir makes a less intimidating face, because an ape snuck up behind Grant and is starting to pull out a large spiked mace-like object. Fighting happens, a large metal object falls on Grant and pins him to the floor. The ape has been defeated, and Kadir stands while Grant moans and groans and begs for him to get him out from under the thing.

Meanwhile, Chandra investigates an empty area of the volcano and calls out for Kadir and Grant. Her voice reverberates… the echoes are eerie… THEN ONE OF THOSE GHOST-LIKE SPIRITS SNEAKS UP ON HER. EEK.

Kadir’s too weak and scrawny to move the object. Grant thinks his spine has been crushed to smithereens. Grant tells Kadir to go without him, but Kadir looks shaken. “I’m not going to leave you down here to die like this! I know you think I’m some kind of monster, but–”

Oh, he is a monster all right. The kind of monster who prides himself on preservation. So get the fuck out of here and take the kids with you, so help him God he will haunt your rectum. “Every shitty thing you ever did, you found some crafty rationalization… but you don’t get to rationalize this. You caused this. You’ll get my kids home. For once in your life do the right thing. Promise me.”

Kadir gives Grant his word.

Meanwhile, there’s nothing to see here! Everything’s cool!

Kadir leaves Grant and bumps into Chandra, who now has red-orange eyes and is saying things like “ren’olrd eim”. Then she says, tiredly, that she was looking for him and Grant. Kadir lifts her up and they hobble up the volcano. “Let’s go. Grant’s not coming.”

Grant moans and monologues like a real sad-sack under the metal object (which is a Pillar, as it turns out). He has no photo of his family. He never considered Sara once in their whole marriage. Focused too much on his work. Fucked Rebecca. Became everything he hated. And it takes dying to realize all of this. How very fucking convenient.

While Kadir fights another ape, another spirit tries to infiltrate Chandra’s body. “This host is claimed,” a voice says from within her. “I will dance within another,” responds the free spirit.

12 seconds until Pillar Jump Time.

Kadir and Chandra book it.

Grant’s gonna miss his kids.

The shaman, who is still with the group, stands up and fires a giant blast out of an arm cannon. Birds fly out within the light toward the charging apes. It works. The group, sans Grant, are all accounted for at the Pillar.

“A billion realities out there… has to be one, Sara. One where I didn’t fuck it all up… Somewhere out there… One perfect world… where we can be happy…”

Nate screams “WHERE’S MY DAD?!” just as the Pillar’s bright light starts engulfing the group.

Kadir gets down on his knee. “He’s not coming.”

Final Thoughts

Grant’s a shitty character anyway. Good riddance.

I’m not sure if I like this comic yet. There needs to be a plot goal. What’s the plot goal? Getting home? That’s a lazy plot goal! Why can’t it be something like “save the vagina from the penis”? Now there’s a plot goal!

What a stupid final thought. Sorry everyone.