Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: Black Science, Issue #5! In the previous installment, the crew jumps away from a scary German/Native American warzone into a much more palatable, like, hotel with 50 different kinds of friendly alien species! The important thing is that Grant has been healed and he can probably start fucking Rebecca again. We the audience were very invested in that, I assure you.

And just when you think things are going well and the scientists are going to work on fixing Pillar, some other dude zaps into the picture with the intention to sabotage the Pillar further! What is going on?! Why all the sabotage?! Are we keeping Grant from accidentally kissing Hitler? We need to know what’s at stake here!

I need to know, at least. I don’t like not knowing things.

Black Science, Issue #5 [April, 2014]
Written by: Rick Remender

“I met Grant McKay in college. He was a legend. The Great Boy Genius, talk of the campus. I hated him from the second we met.”

Kadir reminisces about the good ol’ college years. Fuckin’ sorority girls. Fuckin’ fraternity boys. A lot of fuckin’ all around. “I remember the first thing he said to me. I was talking to the son of a CEO of a large research firm. McKay walked over, sneering down his pierced nose said ‘Ambition and politicking will get your further than talent… but everyone’ll see how you got there.’”

This still haunts Kadir to this very day, that some punk-ass bitch would say that to someone he doesn’t even know. “Unbearable. Completely up his own ass. So why do they all love him so much? Why would Ward die for him?”

Chandra is there with him. “He tells them what they want to hear. People love liars.”

Kadir sits on that for a minute. “If that’s true… why do they hate us?”

*Family Matters theme music plays in the far distance*

THE NEXT MORNING, GRANT SURPRISES HIS KIDS WITH HIS NOT-DEADINESS. Pia and Nate spring out of bed to give dear old talent-over-politicking dad a fat hug. Thanks to Shawn and Ward, Dad is saved!

Oh… *sob* Ward…

NOW THAT WE’RE SAD AGAIN, IT’S FLASHBACK TIME. Jen (who died) designs a logo for their space suits (an onion). It’s the same design of offset concentric circles you can see on the front cover of your favorite Black Science comic book! Grant and Ward love the design. The end.

I’m not lying! Would a liar say this?: “God is real.”

Grant stifles a cry and declares that the time for grieving is later! For now, they all must get home safely. The next Pillar jump is in 20 minutes, but it’s not 100% working yet, so they’ll probably end up on Boonar Furtz the Lava Planet or in Jersey City or somewhere else equally awful.

Nate starts crying. He doesn’t want to leave where they are at now. It seems safe and all the aliens are cool and squishy. Can’t Dad just build a new Pillar out of sand and gum and God’s tears?

Grant smiles. “It took us a decade to complete the Pillar. Can’t leave your mother waiting for ten years for us to come home. She’d have my head.” Hyuuk hyuuk hyuuk. Grant is banking on teleporting somewhere with the technology available to fix the Pillar, which is a long fucking shot entirely. I think that kind of optimism sucks ass, personally. Shawn is terrible at faking it. “Your father’s right, guys – we have to stay with the Pillar until we can fix it to get home.”

The smug smile on Grant’s face is punchable, but it’s nice to try and lie for the kids’ sake. I’d be bad at it, personally. I’d be like “shit’s fucked, kiddos.”

Anyway, Grant and Shawn try to collect necessities and toiletries for the next ride to Wherever’s-Ville. Suddenly, some bitch in a Transformers uniform (the same bitch at the end of Issue #4) zaps Shawn into blissful unconsciousness. The kids freak out, but the intruder says he’s okay. Everything’s okay. It’s cool, man. Chill, man. Everything’s reeeaal cool.

Hey, you don’t look like Santa Claus!

The kids try to run away, but our newest assailant tries to stop them and assure them that things are fun. “I’m going to get you back to your mother,” he says, which is then responded to with a resounding “Fuck you!” by Pia. She knocks the staff out of his hand and sends it crashing out the window, which lands right next to Grant and Rebecca on the ground. “Daddy — Help!” yells Pia from the second-floor window, but the mysterious robot-suited individual is like “I’m trying to help you, dagnabbit!”

Actually, he says “That man and his shoddy Pillar – he’s doomed you all! DOOMED ALL OF REALITY!” And here I sit thinking that that’s rather fucking dramatic. Reality is already doomed! Grant didn’t add to the doom! He merely, you know, pushed the doom around and such.

Then he shoots a bunch of aliens with a zap gun who were riding around in a giant vehicle shaped like a bug. Because none of it is real anyway! Or something! Now kids, get in the Bug Van. Move it!

Grant is not having this shit. He runs up to the mysterious man and punches his fucking lights out, knocking off his helmet. The dude picks himself up.

“You’ve been through a lot. I understand. Can’t blame a guy for fighting to protect his kids.”

IT FINALLY GETS INTERESTING. The mysterious man is none other than Grant! Older Grant, of course. Older and wiser, certainly, with a criss-cross of scars on his craggy face. His hair is gray. He’s also stubbly, like some sort of action hero badass instead of the nerd that he is.

So Old Grant fires upon Young Grant in order to continue protecting the kids, claiming that Young Grant will kill them in a week if they stay with him. He squirrels them away in the Bug Van and they ride off, leaving Young Grant in the dust.

MAYBE IF I SCREAM LOUDER WE’LL BE SAVED FASTER!

Old Grant is going to rescue the kids. He’s going to bring them home. He’s going to stop at nothing. And once it’s done, no one will ever speak of this unpleasantness ever again. He reports that he picked up the kids and saw the rest of the Anarchist League, including Young Rebecca. This must be important for later. Perhaps Old Rebecca is Dead Rebecca??

Old Grant’s team tries to get a lock on him. Pia grabs a wrench and smacks him right in the kisser, which breaks his concentration long enough to plow into a merchant stand or something? It’s unclear. Meanwhile, Young Grant stole a bug horse and is now trailing his future self, trying to find them in the marketplace. He has some rather self-deprecating internal monologue, stuff like “I’m a shit father” and “fuck me”.

Meanwhile, Old Grant has a kid in each hand and they’re all running up the street while Pia screams for help. Old Grant punches a bird alien that gets in his way.

“You… you killed him…” gasps Pia.

“He’s not real,” claims Old Grant. Sure, Pops, nothing’s real. Not even love. Or overpopulation.

But she’s real.

And who is she exactly?

“Mom?” says Nate. And there, in the flesh, is Sara. Hidden in some sort of hut. She gets on her knees and braces for hugs.

“I’ve been trying to tell you, we’re here to save you, Pia,” Old Grant smiles with that punchable face. “We’re your real parents.”

Nate suddenly gets skeptical. “You’re not my mom…” he says in a quiet voice. Young Grant pops in the hut to confirm this while training a gun on Old Grant.

Listen, how about we each take one? I call dibs on the snot-nosed little boy.

Old Grant and Not-Sara tell Young Grant to let them go. They’ll be safer without you. You suck and whatnot. “You don’t deserve them…” says Not-Sara.

“I also created the Pillar,” says Old Grant. “It was also sabotaged. Only instead of jumping, as yours did, mine exploded…”

“…it killed my babies,” Not-Sara cries. “My Pia. My Nathan.”

Blah blah blah the Pillar is dangerous. The entire Everyverse is in danger every time the thing jumps. Ripping holes in the fabrics and all that. “We follow through the cracks left in others’ wakes. The damage to the walls has already been done. We stop ignorant fools–” Old Grant points an accusing finger “–like you from decimating reality!”

Here’s the long and short of it: Every Grant McKay gets his kids killed. It happens with every Grant McKay that Old Grant has ever bumped into. And there have been a lot of Grant McKays out there. So, hand over the children and they’ll be safe!

Young Grant blasts the ground at their feet. “Fuck off out of here or I’ll kill you.”

Old Grant and Not-Sara give up. For now. They’ll be back, trust them. But first, a word of advice: “Kadir was the saboteur. Kadir is always the saboteur. Kill him before he can further endanger our children.”

Well ain’t that a twist! By now, the rest of the Anarchist League are in the marketplace looking for Grant and the kids. But, since Grant and the kids have finished their business, they emerge from the hut.

“What the hell is going on?” Kadir asks, dumbfounded. “What happened?”

Grant cold-cocks the motherfucker. “You happened.”

Then the Pillar jumps. Now they’re on the rim of a cold, inactive volcano. Grant pulls a gun on Kadir, much to the rest of the team’s dismay. “He killed Ward. He killed Jen. Got us all stranded in the God Damned mess!”

Kadir feigns ignorance, but Grant presses the issue! “Why did you sabotage the Pillar?!”

Kadir slaps the gun out of Grant’s hand and claims that it was Rebecca who sabotaged the Pillar, not him. “And if you hadn’t spent the last eight years fucking her, maybe you wouldn’t be so blind!”

Now you’ve gone and done it. Grant is filled with so much rage that he tackles Kadir down into the volcano.

…which appears to actually be an engineered structure filled with intelligent apes.

Final Thoughts

Weird comic! This particular issue didn’t have any illustrated barely-clothed ladies, so let’s work on that next time please.