Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Invincible, Issue #5! A new storyline awaits your eyes and ears. Well, not necessarily your ears, I guess, unless your ears can see!

In the previous storyline, which I can’t believe I remember because I wrote it up like 17 years ago, Mark is a normal teenager with a normal teenage life. But that’s not true at all. His dad is a superhero from another planet, and his mom is probably an alcoholic. Mark finally gets his own superhero powers that he has been waiting to manifest for years, and he takes advantage right away by trying to stop some bad guys and joining a team of other teenage superheroes.

Someone was trying to kill kids with bombs, and it turned out to be their high school physics teacher who also works Mayan mythology into his lesson plans, apparently. In the end, after the bad guy is stopped, Mark has a realization that this superhero business is kinda heavy, man.

Onward. Mark is going to learn a lot about himself in the coming issues, eh? Lots of stuff in the pants, of course. Teenage life is hard.

Invincible, Issue #5 [July, 2003]
Written by: Robert Kirkman

Mark lies prone on the floor doing his homework for classes like AP Physics and Jacking Off 101 (which he’s getting an A+ in, by the way). His 2003 landline wireless phone rings, and it’s Dad. He needs to speak to Mark quickly! It’s matter of life and death! And he doesn’t have time to repeat anything he’s going to say, so cork it and let the old man speak.

There’s a bad guy in the solar system headed straight for Earth. Dad has kicked his ass before, so he’s a piece of cake. Mark, though, is going to have a hell of a tough time. Yeah, that’s right Mark, you are going to take this one solo. Don’t poop your pants about it, nerd.

Just keep the guy out of Earth’s atmosphere. “You’ve got about twelve minutes to get into orbit,” Dad says as Mark pulls out his neatly pressed Invincible suit from the closet (where he keeps all his Jerking Off books and memorabilia).

Dad has one last thing to say: “See if your mom can make steaks tonight.”

He hangs up before Mark has a chance to ask him, hey, how’s he supposed to breathe while fighting a guy outside of Earth’s atmosphere? Hello? Hello? How do you like your steak? Hello?

Mark hollers to his mom about the steaks before launching himself into the sky. He takes a big, deep, oxygenated breath as he ascends into the stars!

Shit! This sucks ass! Fuck!

Invincible hangs around outer space looking for a guy to beat up. He doesn’t even know what he looks like. He could be some sort of 600-tentacled horse-headed potato alien. He could look like Keifer Sutherland! He could–

He shows up looking like some sort of Futurama cyclops. And no, not Leela. Some other sort of Futurama cyclops. He punches Invincible in the face and then smiles, arms folded, in triumph! Invincible tries to fight back, but he’s a bit of a newbie. The cyclops smiles and notes how hard he’s trying! The lad is going places!

Invincible can read Cyclops’ thoughts, and Cyclops is like “duh, how else are you supposed to communicate in space with no sound? Idiot.” They continue to fight, and Cyclops keeps complimenting Invincible on his moves. You see, Invincible’s predecessor seemed to be entirely too focused. “I think it’s a need for concentration that indicates weakness. Of course, I don’t think I ever fought him this long,” Cyclops comments even though this fight has only lasted about six panels.

Cyclops has had enough and punches Invincible so hard that it knocks him back down into Earth. Invincible takes a much-needed breath of fresh, lovely, polluted, shitty Earth air before doing an about-face and heading back up into the stars.

Invincible asks what Cyclops meant about his predecessor. Cyclops is very frank.

Dick Sargent was definitely not as good as Dick York.

Invincible is starting to a get a little peeved with this fighting business. It’s so brutish and uncouth. “Can’t we… talk this over or something?”

Cyclops ponders this. “Well, you are entitled to one break…”

Ha! Well, sir, that sounds like someone is calling the shots around here and it ain’t Mark Aloysius Grayson! “How am I entitled to anything?”

And Cyclops is confused. Didn’t Invincible get the onboarding packet? “Jeez, they didn’t prepare you at all? They had the schedule well in advance. I don’t even know where to begin…” Cyclops looks concerned. This is highly unorthodox! Like a rabbi eating a ham sandwich out of someone’s buttcrack. He describes himself to Invincible as a “Champion Evaluation Officer”, as in, he works for the Coalition of Planets. Each planet assigns a champion; someone in charge to keep their planet safe from extraterrestrial threats, you see. Cyclops schedules encounters with each planet’s champion, rotating through them every three years or so, and fights them to assess their competency. Some champions even request his services for training purposes!

“Why would we sign up for that?” Mark gibbers. “It doesn’t make sense.” Earth doesn’t even acknowledge the existence of aliens, let alone sign for some dumb coalition.

“What are you talking about? I’ve got the mandate for this planet right here!” Cyclops smiles in a very friendly manner. “See? Urath! It says right here.”

WHAT THE FUCK IS AN “URATH”? This is Earth, son!

Cyclops realizes his mistake and is quite chagrined. Invincible sympathizes. Cyclops thanks him, worries about getting fired, shakes his hand, introduces himself as “Allen”, and bids farewell.

Jesus, get a room.

Invincible admires the view of Earth before heading home. So this is what Sandra Bullock must have felt like while she was flopping all over space!

Mark returns just in time for a steaky dinner. He informs his ignorant father that Allen has been mistakenly visiting Earth for the last fifteen years! Whoops! But he’s gone forever now! Piece of cake, sir.

Dad stares for a moment. “Damn, son… I’m impressed. I wish you had been around the first time I fought him.”

After a hearty meal, Mark retires to his bedroom to work on about 45 Jerking Off extra credit assignments. Dad still looks embarrassed that Mark solved the problem instead of putting a bandaid on it. “Beginner’s luck,” he mumbles.

Final Thoughts

Well this seemed like a total throwaway issue except for the part where Mark’s dad seemed a teensy bit jealous. Do you remember when that happened? It was right at the end there.

What kind of shenanigans will Mark Grayson aka Invincible get into next?! Maybe he’ll get his head caught in one of those six-pack rings.