Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: She-Hulk (Vol. 3), Issue #5 – “Blue (Part 1)”! In the previous installment, everything with the Vernard storyline gets wrapped up with the prettiest bow in the dresser. Walters visits Latveria, tells Doom that Vernard wants to find his own identity, and Doom was like “ok.” It was really stupid.

Now there’s a mysterious “blue file” that lists Walters among the many defendants of a North Dakota trial something or other. This was shoehorned in and now will take up the last two issues of the storyline because Charles Soule did a big “whoops I wrapped things up too quickly”.

I guess we gotta go with the flow, then.

She-Hulk (Vol. 3), Issue #5 [August, 2014]
Written by: Charles Soule
“Blue (Part 1)”

Ridgewood, Queens, where A. Savage from Parquet Courts was walking through so stoned and starving. She-Hulk looks like complete shit now, so that means we’ve got a new artist on our hands! Yuck x100.

Walters knocks on the door of a man named Herman Schultz. The apartment building is as run down as you can possibly imagine. Schultz wears a wife beater and starts running away as fast as his little legs can carry him. Walters is perplexed as Schultz leaps through a fucking window and lands on the fire escape. Walters is already waiting for him at the base as he runs down the steps. “You gonna run back upstairs?” she asks him. “That’s okay, but fair warning, eventually I’ll probably get bored and rip the whole fire escape off the wall.”

She has a few questions. It should take ten minutes. Fine. They congenially walk back up to Schultz’s apartment where he hunches over a box of cold, shitty Chinese food.

Walters tells him that she’s a lawyer! Whew, now that we have that out of the way, we–

NOT ONLY THAT, BUT YOU’RE A HULK. Men like Schultz stay away from those damn Hulks. They’re mean and nasty, worse than your Daredevils or Iron Fists or even your… WAY WORSE than your Captain Americas. That guy smells like Oil of Olay and you can see the drool spots on his uniform.

Thors are pretty scary, too.

There’s the iron Thor, the spidery Thor, the Thor with the bow and arrow, and the green Hulky Thor! All Thors.

Walters is here to talk to Schultz they both got sued in North Dakota, among others as well. She didn’t get served. Did he? He looks over paperwork and goes “duhhhh, I ‘unno. My memory isn’t what it used to be.” I guess the Schultz guy is named Shocker and all these shocks have done a number on his brain all these years. Funny, he looks like such a smart guy!

Well, Walters bought him the Chinese food so he owes her one. He’ll look into it. Nice guy, this Schultz. He looks like he saves his poops in jars for special occasions.

Over in North Dakota, where the temperature is –450 degrees and Buscemis get thrown into woodchippers, Angie Huang drives with her monkey in the passenger seat. She’s going to see what they have in the county records office in Crosby (population 1,065). And maybe stop at a Waffle House or whatever the fuck else they have in North Dakota. Maybe a Big Boy.

Huang drives by what looks like a ghost town that’s so suspicious that she has to stop and investigate. “Do you feel it, Hei Hei?” she says to her monkey. “Something happened here. I can almost… see… it.”

Her eyes get swirly and she starts seeing visions of some sort of sorcerer setting fires and throwing around cars and destroying the village and causing quite an inconvenient ruckus. Well, shit.

In Manhattan, Hellcat is dancing around with a similar cat-like superhero. They talk about how great they are and how great the other is. The other cat-like superhero, Tigra, is a furry’s wet dream.

They flip around a poolside jungle gym while talking about Hellcat’s new venture with She-Hulk; how She-Hulk started her own business and how it’s going. There’s a lot of words that I’m not going to repeat or summarize too hard, but Hellcat is there to see her friend because she’s yet another defendant in the mystery case that no one knows anything about. Tigra knows nothing about it either, but she chokes when she hears the name “George Saywitz”.

And then she gets fighty. And hissy.

Back off, catty. Who do you think you are, Selina Fucking Kyle?

Meanwhile, Herman Schultz set his shocker wrist band to low and cooked his brain a little bit for fun. He looks up at Walters all red-and-bleary-eyed. “Sometimes that… shakes things loose… it scrambles the eggs in just the right way.” Well, fuck you sir, for probably ruining your decrepit memory further.

In Crosby, North Dakota, Angie Huang walks into the records office and is greeted by a friendly guy straight out of Fargo. She presents a ticket with a number that’s not in the computer records, so she came to the office in person to check out the physical copies.

“There’s a reason this one’s not in the computer,” the man says, unlocking a door behind him. “We had a flood a while back, lost a ton of records. The ones we do have are all mixed up. You’re welcome to take a look…”

The room is filled with boxes upon boxes of paperwork that had gotten wet previously. There’s no heat in the room. There’s barely even any light. Have fun!

Hellcat is still trying to fend off the weirdly psychotic-all-of-a-sudden Tigra. Hellcat smacks her over the head with a pool chair WWE-style and she crumples to the ground. But then she gets up and slices some wounds into Hellcat, who crumples to the ground herself. She seems much more defeated. Tigra walks away while Hellcat remains hurt and confused.

Hey, this guy’s all right! Round up the lawyers and shoot ‘em into the sun! I agree!

Herman Schultz is remembering something. Someone was trying to fix something, and She-Hulk and all the good guys were there trying to stop it… and that’s all he knows.

Cool, good enough. Here are your gauntlets back, Sparky.

Huang found what she was looking for, but a swirly-eyed Records Office Man shoots her in the back of the head with a gun. The gun goes “POP”. Not even “BANG” which seems more appropriate.

Hellcat and Tigra are still fighting boringly. Both are bleeding all over the place and seems like Hellcat gets in a sucker punch that knocks Tigra out cold. Hellcat tries to call Walters, but Walters lets it go to voicemail.

“Jen… it’s Patsy… something happened with Tigra. The minute I mentioned the case to her, she went… she went crazy. Attacked me. Hurt me. Real bad. And then she was going to… she was going to kill herself. I hit her on the head…. really hard. I don’t know, Jen. We need an ambulance… I’ll call for help… but it happened right when I talked to her about the blue file. I know you were supposed to talk to people today too – I think the case… I think it’s a trigger. Don’t talk to anyone about it.”

OK, well whoops! She triggered Shocker like a fucktard lib. Ha, owned!

While the message goes to voicemail, Walters is talking to Wyatt Wingfoot, who is currently scaling a mountain with four screaming, dangling kids on the rope behind him. One second away from plummeting to their doom! Walters is about to tell him all about the blue file…

Final Thoughts

I thought the art sucked before, but this art really sucks. It’s like if Jackson Pollock shoved a brush up his butt and then farted and then took the brush out and then hired Ronald Wimberly to draw the issue. Which is exactly what happened minus the brush fart part.