Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #54 – “Hollywood (Part 1)”! More Spider-Man than you can shake a stick at! In the previous storyline, Spider-Man has another run-in with Wilson Fisk, who just beat a murder charge like a rich asshole. Fisk is after a tablet that his comatose wife needed for some reason that’s not apparent yet, but will be in about ten more storylines.

And who stole the tablet? A “villain” who fancied herself as “Black Cat”. She died!

A bunch of other stuff happened too, like Peter Parker getting fired from the Daily Bugle and then J. Jonah Jameson’s heart growing three sizes that day and giving him his job back. MJ ran away from home. Peter Parker washed the skidmarks out of his underpants. The usual stuff.

Let’s get right back into it!

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #54 [May, 2004]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Hollywood (Part 1)”

Even though Aunt May herself is 87 years old, her mother is still alive! And she’s going to visit her in Florida for a whole week before the polar ice caps melt and the whole state gets submerged while everyone rejoices. “Now, I don’t want any hanky-panky…” he tells Peter while Gwen stands right next to him. Please don’t get cum all over the house, kid. Remember last time…

“Are we allowed to have hanky without the panky?” asks Gwen.

“Or just panky?” Peter adds.

“I think panky gets us in the trouble area,” says Gwen.

“Well if I can’t have the panky what’s the point of the hanky?” says Peter.

Hardy har har. Aunt May can decide NOT to visit her mother in the iron lung! That’ll show you, you fucking brats.

“How about shenanigans?” asks Gwen.

Aunt May gives up, tells them there’s a lasanga in the freezer so don’t burn down the house cooking it, and see you scamps in a week. She gives them $300 for the week to spend on food and oversized novelty hats. Once May is gone, Gwen asks Petey to cough up the $150. And the week begins.

Peter sits at the table and eats a sad bowl of cereal while taking stock in his life. He’s broke, he needs to work more at the Bugle, MJ’s grounded so that sucks, and he wants to go to the movies. He spends a lot of time thinking about going to the movies. If this is May, 2004 then The Day After Tomorrow comes out soon! That shit’s gonna suck hard! Should be fun!

Avi Arad is right! Spider-Man fucks!

As Peter thinks about movies, the news on TV talks about movies. Namely, a movie about Spider-Man that’s being shot right in New York City. Directed by Sam Raimi! How about that, huh? Fiction is crazy sometimes!

Avi Arad, the film’s producer (ha, crazy!) calls Spider-Man a loser, a nobody, a tragic nerd. But when he dons the Spider-Man jammies, the world watches! And that’s what the film will explore. The nerdy, jerkoff loser who everyone loves to hate and hates to love and all that noise.

Peter is watching this with a giant sneer plastered on his face, ESPECIALLY when they announce that Tobey Maguire will be filling the role as the titular hero himself! Peter gets so mad that he absent-mindedly tears the basement door off its hinges.

“Hey, do you think they’re going to include the part in the movie where Spider-Man killed my dad?” Gwen asks conversationally.

*record scratch*

Moving on to Ryker’s Island, not to be confused with William T. Riker’s Island, Doctor Otto Octavius sits like a forlorn lump on his cell bed. He wears sunglasses, of course, because of eyeballs. Whatever that means, I don’t know what that means. I just wrote that and I’m not backspacing it.

Octavius’ adjacent cell neighbor shows him the day’s paper. “A SPIDER-MAN MOVIE? YOU BET!” reads the front page headline. The dude starts mocking him; apparently, Ock’s wife is a paid consultant. They’re going to use his story in the movie! Isn’t that an lol and an lmao? “Hey, how you doing now that S.H.I.E.L.D. took your arms away from you? Sent here to rot for the rest of your worthless life?”

While this guy relentlessly, and I mean relentlessly, insults Doc Ock, the dude just sits there steadily frowning. He’s going to bash this dude’s skull in with a metal dildo and blow up Ryker’s Island using only a paperclip and a string of dental floss.

This smelly dude wouldn’t be allowed within 450 miles of a theater.

At school the next day, the student body is discussing the Spider-Man movie. Kong wants to go into the city and audition to be an extra. Yeah, Fat Kid #4. MJ can’t go because she’s grounded like a salty little peanut.

“We totally get paid and we get to be in a movie,” Kong says, explaining the intricacies how it all works. “My uncle was in Rocky.”

“Maybe you can audition for the roll of Kingpin,” suggests Flash.

“Now what does that mean?” Kong asks, looking hurt.

“Means you’re bald and fat.”

Then Flash slaps Kong like a bitch, and a brawl ensues. MJ, meanwhile, wryly nudges Parker about the movie. With Tobey Maguire! LOL!

Meanwhile, Doc Ock lounges on his bed and stares up at the ceiling… and then… suddenly… he… he… he smirks…

AND THEN WE CUT TO THE “TRISKELION”, HEADQUARTERS AND HOME OF THE ULTIMATES, THE U.S.-SANCTIONED SUPERHUMAN TASK FORCE CREATED BY NICK FURY AND S.H.I.E.L.D.!!!!

(?)

Here in the Triskelion lab, a “thunk”ing sound is repeatedly heard by the two scientists roaming around the room looking busy. It is suspected at first to be the air conditioning, but it’s coming from inside a locker. One scientist opens the locker with his keycard, then FOUR METAL TENTACLES leap out and strangle the two scientists to hella death. I guess Doc Ock has a telepathic connection to these stupid arms? He keeps smiling in his cell, like he’s going to start fucking Spider-Man’s world up within another few hours. Maybe.

You’ve just described the whole pornography industry, kid.

OH MAN, SHOOTING IS UNDERWAY. Tobey Maguire is hanging around complaining about his mask shifting around his face. The REAL Spider-Man shows up with a few choice words for Maguire and the rest of the cast and crew. The he starts doing twirls and backflips, saying the movie is going to suck some Mike’s Hard Ass because Tobey Maguire can’t do twirls and backflips.

Then Spider-Man asks Sam Raimi straight up how he can make this movie without his EXPRESSED WRITTEN PERMISSION. Because Spider-Man’s a public figure, in the public domain, so eat turds, young man.

“And we did get the rights from Roselita Octavius and Cher Osborn,” says Raimi’s assistant.

“Who is Cher Osborn?” Spider-Man asks.

“Norman Osborn’s half-sister.”

“Norman Osborn has a half-sister named Cher?”

Hey! You fought the Green Goblin, right Spidey? What’s he like! We’re trying to tap into the psyche of Norman Osborn! Really see what makes the dude click like a failing pacemaker. Spider-Man refuses to help these guys with their already-tanking movie. He takes his leave with a final “YOU!! PEOPLE!! SUCK!!” and webs his way out of the film set while his antics get filmed for posterity.

Time to recreate the upside-down kiss! Pucker up!

We end with Doc Ock’s sentient metal arms finding their way to Ryker’s Island to reunite with their master. Next, Doc Ock will break out of prison. Let’s go kill Alfred Molina!

Final Thoughts

Another showdown with the Stinky, Slimy Octopus is nigh! Who’s going to win this time! Spider-Man has the incumbent’s advantage, of course, but Doc Ock is the maverick! It’s gonna be a close race!