Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #958 – “Path of Doom (Part 2)”! In the previous installment, the original “real” Superman / Clark Kent is dead, and this universe’s Lex Luthor has taken it upon himself to become Metropolis’ (and the world’s) new Superman. Well, some other Clark Kent who is some other universe’s Clark Kent doesn’t want smelly Lex Luthor to run the show, no matter what universe he may be from. So new Clark becomes Superman and has a standoff with Luthor.

Then Doomsday shows up, undermining what would be a better Superman vs. Lex Luthor storyline. So expect some suck for the next five issues.

Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #958 [August, 2016]
Written by: Dan Jurgens
“Path of Doom (Part 2)”

“We came from another universe. Made this world home. Worked behind the scenes… to make it a better place. Then, the Superman that was here… died. Luthor declared himself to be his successor. I couldn’t allow that. Now I’ve gone public, in the middle of Metropolis, where I expected to see familiar faces like Jimmy Olsen. But some faces were all too familiar. First, a man claiming to be Clark Kent… and then… him. The monster that killed me. DOOMSDAY.”

Final Thoughts

Just kidding! Are you all caught up, now? On top of shit? Good. Because I’m not. I forgot that there’s a Clark Kent hanging around even though Superman is supposed to be dead. That’s weird, right. Maybe it’s a mistake! So many Supermen to keep track of, you know. It’s easy to get all lost and fucked up! It must be that, yeah. It must be.

Jimmy is eating it up. “Clark Kent, Superman, Doomsday, and Superlex all in one shot? This is going to go viral!”

Now begins the ACTION! Superman thought at first that Doomsday was an illusion. A trick of the light. Smoke and mirrors. A rabbit in a hat. The ol’ bait-and-switch. No dice, comrade. Doomsday is big and beefy and ready to twist your little Superman body into a big, fluffy pretzel. So bring your A-game.

Meanwhile, Lois and Li’l Jon are watching the action at home. Concerned. Petrified. Gassy. A mysterious robed man – because there is always a mysterious robed man – views both the fight and Lois/Jon at home on his surveillance console. “Rarely do the pieces fall into place so quickly,” he says. “Much will be learned this day. Much will be gained”

Oh ho ho ho, I bet. This guy looks like a mage, staff and all. He looks like he’s going to cast Blizzaga. Nerd.

“With that kinda name, Doomsday must be pretty tough,” Jon says worriedly.

“Not so tough that your dad can’t handle him,” Lois replies. Then Jon points at that dork Clark Kent on TV and wonders who that is. He looks like dad, but he’s not dead! What gives, lady? And Lois, she just buries her head in her hands and wonders if the world is TOPPLING ALL OVER HER AS THEY SPEAK.

Probably.

Well, Jon, that’s not Clark Kent. That’s Stephen Colbert.

Superman is punching Doomsday with fists of fury while urging all the civilians to run away and go do civilian things somewhere else. “Get away from here as fast as you can!” he yells in everyone’s sensitive, tender ears. Meanwhile, Clark is asking why he’s part of the story, and Jimmy tells him that’s he’s been publicly outed as Superman. Lois did it, dude, she betrayed you and everything about you. Even your tiny dick! And now, you stand before Jimmy when Superman is in the same room as him at the same time, so to speak. That never happens! So who are you really, “Clark Kent??”

“I know what you’re saying, but I did what I had to, Jim.” Clark grits his teeth. “I did it to survive.”

Superman’s fight with Doomsday is frustrating. The evil villain-type beast appears to be moving faster or something. Harder to hit. Stronger, too. And more dashing! But at least Lex also has a vested interest in keeping Metropolis safe, so if you figure out what that is then I’m all ears! “Much as I hate to admit it, Lex could be helpful,” Superman thinks as Lex bashes Doomsday with his own fists of fury.

What an absolute turd of an idea. Are you sure you want to be this universe’s Superman?

“No matter what weapon I use, it has no effect,” Superman complains as he keeps trying to blast Doomsday, who is some sort of rock monster or something? With green pants? Superman thinks this might be the real Doomsday. His Doomsday. Which is to say… man, I can’t keep track of which Superman is from which universe. Did the comic book already fuck it up?

“It’s as if he simply appeared,” Superman thinks of Doomsday, who pretty much did simply appear, as everyone recalls. Superman considers throwing Doomsday into the sun, but that would require actually having the upper hand on this shit. He does not.

Clark and Jimmy are watching Superman flail. “Superman expects to beat Doomsday by flying straight up?” Clark asks. Yes, Superman is dumb. I’ve been saying this for years. Doomsday knees Superman right in the face with big stone spike. Blood is fucking everywhere, man! “UH!” Superman says. This cat is much stronger than Superman. He’s going to lose.

Lex Luthor has just noticed that Clark is standing there while Superman is flying over there. “Two impostors? And not one of you has any sense?”

Jon watched Superman’s jaw get impaled, basically, by Doomsday’s knee. “He can’t do that to my dad!” he says, mouth agape. Lois turns off the TV. Nuts to this! Her son ain’t gonna watch his daddy get killed on national TV! He’s going to watch him die at home! As long as he eats his lima beans.

Doomsday continues to pummel Superman. It’s pitiful.

Jon runs to the front yard. “If you won’t let me watch, I’ll go there! I can help!” And Lois yells at him while the kid tries to flap his little wings. Meanwhile, Jimmy is yelling at Clark to go help, but Clark can’t fly! He can’t help! He’s just some dork who writes for a newspaper, he swears it!

I’ll give you this, Kent. *unzips pants*

Doomsday smashes a public transportation rail. Luthor wants help evacuating the area while the train on the line starts falling to the ground. People in the railcars are like “NOOOO!”, but I’m all like “oh yes, yes, yes!” Luthor tries to catch the train, but Superman does it instead. Because he rules and Lex drools.

“Luthor,” Superman says, holding the train. “Take over for me. Save these people – while I deal with him.” The “him” he’s referring to is Doomsday and not Jimmy Fallon. He’ll deal with Jimmy Fallon later.

“No. You finish saving the people,” Lex responds, flying toward Doomsday. “I’ll keep Doomsday off your back.”

Good luck, Baldy. Superman places the train gently on the ground and starts helping people out of it while Lex fumbles and sucks. Doomsday takes a big swipe at Lex and ruins his armor immediately. Doomsday’s got his hand on Lex’s head and he’s about to crush it like an egg!

This is a cliffhanger, but we all hope that Lex’s big fat head runs yolk everywhere.

Final Thoughts

I simply cannot wait to see how all this convolution resolves itself. Also I, like many readers, don’t have any vested interest in Lex Luthor being at all alive, so I want to see gruesomely graphic instances of gore and mangled body parts in the next few issues. Or I’m out.