Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #55 – “Hollywood (Part 2)”! In the previous installment, Aunt May is out of town for a week, so it’s too bad that MJ is grounded because she and Parker would be laying down the bone on an hourly basis otherwise.

They’re making a movie! A Spider-Man movie! Directed by Sam Raimi! Starring Tobey Maguire! Isn’t that fucking ridiculous? Peter Parker is not amused, not at all. This is going to be the fluff storyline.

Doc Ock’s arms have been confiscated by the government, but his arms can’t stay away from their master forever! And they don’t stay away from their master forever. And now Doc Ock has broken out of prison with his magic metal arms. And now he’s going to stick one up Parker’s butt! This is also going to be the fluff storyline.

The real storyline is Parker is going to bone town.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #55 [May, 2004]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Hollywood (Part 2)”

Doc Ock has shown up at the front door of a stranger’s house with a big, creepy smile. Just making chit-chat, complimenting the architectural design of the house, that sort of thing. Suddenly, there’s a crash and the man turns around to see a couple of metal arms lunging right toward him from the kitchen.

“I really do like your house,” Ock says darkly as the man gets a couple of metal arms shoved down his throat and the like.

Elsewhere, many people are auditioning to be the sap in the street who says “Look up in the sky, it’s Spider-Man!” After several people, it’s Kong’s turn. He gives it his best shot! All agog and shit. He gets the part, and he practically poops his pants with… mild, calm joy. “I’m in the movie?” he smiles.

Yeah fucking right. There ain’t no Kong in Sam Raimi’s Spider-Man! Beat it.

The bald, fat kid brags to his friends the next day at school. He gets only one line and he gets paid a lot to do it! Flash really wants to know how much of that sweet-ass cash he gets to earn. Liz wants to know what his one line is. Flash thinks the line is lamesauce.

“Don’t ruin this for me,” says Kong.

“You gotta rewrite that,” says Flash.

“No, that’s the line.”

“Dude, you go in and, like, free-style it!”

Behind the group, Gwen glares and sulks. “So, is there, like, a part in the script where Spider-Man, like, kills my dad?!” she shouts. We get it, honey. Boo hoo, dead dad. Talk about something else for a change! Like hiking.

Spider-Men? Dads? I don’t follow.

Everyone stares at her like an elephant climbed out of her butt. She tears up and runs off. MJ and Parker decide to go talk to her about, like, you know, stuff. Parker, again (again and again), takes the opportunity to try to convince Gwen that it wasn’t actually Spider-Man who killed her dad, but she’s tried of hearing this SHIT from him. Yeah, ok, sure, the guy who was dressed as Spider-Man is now in jail and the real Spider-Man is still swinging around town, but Gwen doesn’t care. And why does Parker care so much in the first place? Does he have a boner for Spider-Man or something? Does he want to put his boner on Spider-Man’s boner so that they’re touching boners?

“This is all I think about twenty-four hours a day!! ALL DAY!! EVERY DAY! Some maniac in a costume killed my father!! And now they’re making a movie about him!! YAY!! SPIDER-MAN!! YAAYY!!” She walks away ranting while MJ and Parker are at a loss for words.

MJ tries to tell Peter that none of this is his fault, but he can’t help but feel pretty responsible about the whole thing. Maybe a tall chocolate milkshake and a fucking empanada. That would be quite choice.

Doc Ock, meanwhile, is in a cozy robe, in a living room that isn’t his, talking to himself about where the authorities may look for him first. They’ll go to Peter Parker first, then maybe his ex-wife who sold him out. Or the other way around? At any rate, he’s not going anywhere near Peter Parker yet. Not until the heat dies down. He’s all like “Yes, I said! The boy will be – no, I agree – the boy will be punished. I’m not arguing the point with you, the boy will be punished. I said it.”

Turns out that he’s talking to his arms. And his arms are arms, they are not mouths, so they can’t hold a real conversation. Doc Ock is loony toons, man. Real daffy stuff. And then his brain gets an idea! Oh, yes! Ha! Yes yes yes! A jacuzzi full of pudding, you say? No? Then let’s stick with another plan…

The TV has a news story about the movie and an interview with a paid consultant, Roselita Octavius.

He’s like a modern day Hamlet, except for all the Hamlet stuff, of course. Where’s my money?

Ock’s ex-wife starts calling him pathetic and he retaliates by flinging metal arms against the TV screen. Take that, Samsung!

As Gwen walks home, she has a feeling that she’s being followed by black cars, the kind that contain unseemly government agents. Aunt May calls when Gwen gets home, and Gwen tells her that everything is fiiiiiiine except for all the stuff that isn’t. Dead dad, et al. Through the kitchen window, she spots a guy spying on her from the top of a telephone pole. Then she notices a guy with a hat, sunglasses, and a headset pretending to trim hedges…

Movie production is in full force! Kong is dressed like a street tough, lookin’ quite fat. He says his line, everyone breaks for coffee. Spider-Man, the real Spider-Man, the Peter Parker Spider-Man, he’s clinging to the side of a nearby building watching the action. Avi Arad and Sam Raimi whisper to each other about what they’re going to do about it, which is nothing. They can’t do anything. They can’t make him go away and they can’t do nothin’ ‘bout it. One of Raimi’s assistants has some news to break: Doc Ock is loose! It’s not on the news, though. The government is keeping secrets again. Maybe if they’re lucky, he won’t come by and fuck with the set! Maybe if–

Oh.

Doc Ock creates quite the mischievous ruckus, to say the very least! Roselita is his target, and she’s gonna get whacked like Big Pussy!

“Roselita, darling…” Ock says, looking quite intimidating with the backdrop of fiery cars and smoke. “…I can’t tell you how disappointed we are with your actions of late. I thought maybe you and I should–”

THWAP! TACK! THWIP THWIP THWIP! THUP! THURP! THURP THURP TWURMP! WEBS! WEBS! THIRP THWIP THURNK!

“Oh no…” says Ock.

“Man, I can’t believe this!” says Spider-Man, who entered the fray with gusto.

“Oh no…” says Ock.

“You total jackass, I can’t believe you’re doing this to me…”

“Oh no…”

But Doc Ock regains composure, and now there’s a standoff for the ages!

Final Thoughts

Doc Ock has a stupid haircut and we’re recycling villains again? Come on, Bendis, you’re better than that!