Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #58 – “Hollywood (Part 5)”! In the previous installment, Doc Ock spends a lot of time talking to Peter Parker on an airplane, looking to torture him and kill him and all that, but just before the plane is cleared for landing at whatever unknown location the plane is landing in, Parker escapes out the emergency exit! D’oh! Foiled again as usual, Mr. Octopus!

Also, out of nowhere, Gwen Stacy decides to go into the basement and crack open a locked chest. It contained a full Spider-Man suit, which makes her all “My name is Gwen Stacy. You killed my father. Prepare to die.”

Of course, Spider-Man is preparing to die anyway because he leapt out of a plane flying at 30,000 ft with no parachute. I want the first panel of Issue #58 to be a big fucking wet SPLAT on the ground!

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #58 [July, 2004]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Hollywood (Part 5)”

At the International Airport in Sao Paulo, Brazil, Doc Ock’s landed plane sits on the tarmac. “I know,” Ock tells his arms. “Little Parker is out there somewhere.”

He’s got the pilot wrapped up by the throat. The pilot begs for his life, saying that he was promised freedom once they land. Ah, oho, but wait sir, you can’t go yet! There’s the issue of the Spider-Man to deal with, of course.

“He-he jumped out of a moving plane a hundred miles away,” the pilot stammers. “He’s–”

“He’s out there. Trust me,” replies Ock.

“What? He couldn’t possibly…”

“He’s out there.”

No he’s not! Spider-Man watches from inside a closet. Door cracked open a hair. Hand on his penis voyeur-style. Enjoying himself immensely. And then he makes himself seen! *Batman music plays on a pipe organ*

Spider-Man sucker punches Doc Ock, who is angry and growly. Then he sucker punches him again. This keeps happening even though Spider-Man is a spindly child and Doctor Otto Octavius is a full-grown smarty man with metal arms. One throw across the room, and Ock just lies there.

“Oh no!” Spidey protests. “No no no no! Don’t you do this to me, Otto! Don’t you beat the tar out of me… Kidnap me!! Pull out one of my teeth!! Break my Web Shooters!! And take me halfway around the frickin’ world!! And then run out of fight!!”

Spidey continues yelling at him to snap out of it! This is supposed to be the big fight scene, so fight, damnit!

And he gets his wish. Using his grabby claw-game-type digits, Ock takes Spidey by the face and throws him out of the plane. After picking himself up and dusting himself off, Spidey makes a harrowing discovery…

Oh man, oh man. Portuguese?? Am I in France??

“I am so grounded it’s not even funny,” Spider-Man moans. The ground crew tries to attack Ock, who is busy shielding his sensitive eyes from all the lights and yelling for everyone to get away. Spidey takes this opportunity to pummel Ock’s face a bit and knock him unconscious, and he doesn’t even get time to congratulate himself for a job well done because the Brazilian military gets on his ass! All pointing their shooty guns at him. All saying stuff like “todo mundo para”, which I believe is Portuguese for “I’ll have what she’s having.” Ha! I’m so funny.

Spidey begs everyone to speak English while they close in on him. Pants completely soaked with diarrhea, Spidey says right then and there that he’s just going to start crying everywhere. Hella crying. You’ve never seen such crying.

“Are you really the American Spider-Man?” asks a gun woman dressed as a gun agent, holding a gun. Spidey thanks God and Jesus and Nice-Hitler for this good fortune of an English-speaking hot woman. He starts blabbing about how Doctor Octopus over there *points* kidnapped him and flew him over to what he hopes is Sioux Falls, South Dakota. But no such luck. “You, sir, are in Brazil,” says the policewoman agent, whatever. Spidey can’t believe his tingling Spidey-Sense! Brazil! That’s where all the Brazilian ladies are! Woo hoo!

Shit, and I just had Hormel Chili. With beans!

But no, he feels ten kinds of fucked. The pilot corroborates Spidey’s story that he was kidnapped by a man who is not any sort of parental guardian and flown to, what was it again, Brazil? Eep! Well, the good news is that there’s a pilot here and he can fly a plane back to New York, so–

“I’m sorry, sir, we’re going to have to bring the two of you in for questioning,” says the police agent. Spidey politely declines, but this is not negotiable, damnit! So what does Spidey do instead of acquiesce? He does some of those trademark cartwheels about town and lands on the plane. Before anyone can say “boo” (and why would they?), the plane takes off. Spidey finds himself in the cargo hold, which is better than Brazil by a long shot (except for the Brazilian ladies).

Half an hour later, Spider-Man is freezing his tiny, little testicles off. He’s only wearing tights and he’s going to die unless he finds something useful in all the luggage that just happens to be in the plane. He finds six sweaters and some Hello Kitty earmuffs. He puts them all on over his costume.

Soon, he lands and hopes that he’s not in Papua New Guinea or Jersey City or somewhere equally horrible…

It’s Atlanta. Spidey breathes a quiet sigh of relief. “At least they speak some kind of English in Atlanta.” But what he needs is a transfer to fuckin’ New York. Or Newark. Or some other city with a name that sounds vaguely similar to one another.

Say hi to Tom Scharpling for me!

He finds a giant box heading to Newark, so he slips in somehow and gets transferred to another plane. This little adventure is probably going to make up the rest of the issue, so pace yourselves, friends. Eventually, dressed to the nines as a crazy person, he pops out of his crate and leaps his way around the airport. This causes a problem the likes of which haven’t been seen since the day before 9/12!

“Ladies and gentlemen, we are having a security situation and are forced to shut down this section of the terminal.” And wouldn’t you know it? Aunt May is currently exiting the jetway in front of his cavorting, costumed nephew! “What people will do for attention…” she says, shaking her damn head.

“Been thinking about it,” Spider-Man thinks as he rides the top of a bus headed for New York City. “I bet when I write my autobiography – I bet I skip over just about all of this.”

And, in true Ferris Bueller fashion, Spidey attempts to race back home before Aunt May does. He wonders what May is doing back from Florida already? Perhaps Ron Desantis outlawed looking fabulous? At any rate, Spidey makes it home first and heads to the basement.

“I mean, as horrible as tonight was, the bad guy is down, justice is served, I’m home.

Except he comes home to this, lmao

Put your hands up and give me all your money, see? It’s curtains for you, see?

Final Thoughts

BLOW HIS FUCKING HEAD OFF, GWEN! And then when you’re done with that, should shoot him! Get it?!

Parker’s in a bind. He’s going to have to murder Gwen Stacy to keep this gig going, and once Spidey starts murdering he can’t stop! I’m pretty sure that’s canon.