Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #57 – “Hollywood (Part 4)”! In the previous installment, Spider-Man fights Doc Ock for 45 minutes on the Spider-Man (2002) movie set, and Spidey loses handily. It was a slow build up to a whole lot of nothing.

MJ’s father has been kicked out of her house, so her punishment has been lifted. Too bad bonin’ Peter Parker is out of the question, because Spidey wakes up from unconsciousness during the fight to find himself strapped to a seat on an airplane headed to god knows where.

My initial guess was Guinea-Bissau, but I’m going to change it to regular Guinea!

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #57 [June, 2004]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Hollywood (Part 4)”

“Uh… hello?” Spider-Man looks battered and broken, unable to move his spindly little arms.

“You’re awake,” says a voice behind a door. “Good for you.”

“Oh… Yippee…” Spidey responds dazed as Doc Ock emerges, smiling wryly, tentacles a’flailin’. He pulls off Spidey’s mask, revealing the little punk-ass high schooler. Then Ock punches the kid in the jaw with a powerful metal arm with a SPOK.

“I did that because I wanted you to know that you weren’t dreaming. This is the rest of your life,” Ock says as Parker groans hilariously and complains about his sudden loose teeth. “Here. I’m a doctor. Let me take a look,” Ock says, sticking little metal fingers into Parker’s mouth. After much screaming from the kid, and nervous glances behind his back from the pilot nervously flying the plane, Ock extracts the bothersome tooth. “There… that’s better.”

Ock smiles sadistically while Parker cries like a wuss. I get my teeth knocked out everyday and you don’t hear me bellyachin’! Then Ock sprays Parker’s mouth with Parker’s own can of Easy Cheese Webs.

“You’re only here for one purpose only,” Ock continues. Parker is unable to speak or retort or complain or sing or whistle. “You are currency. You are my ‘break glass in case of emergency.’ Being that you have once again sent my life into an incredible amount of disarray… which I absolutely hate!!”

Oh, now the whinee has become the whiner! Or some such. Ock tells Parker that there’s one thing he never understood about him: how did the double life work out for him? He still went to school and had a girlfriend and wet his pants and ate Cheerios even with all the web-slinging and crime-busting? Impressive! Too bad it’s all related to daddy issues. Ock’s got his number. Parker begs for the city’s attention because his overworked geneticist father never paid him any.

All Parker can do is glare at Ock murderously.

Oh no, sir, you can no longer find a “cure for homosexuality?” Your life dreams dashed!

“WHY ARE ALL OF YOU STANDING IN MY WAY?!” Ock yells, spittle flying out of his dumb face. The pilot tells him there are 20 minutes until they’re at their destination, so Ock decides to kill 20 minutes by doing the tropey villain thing: explaining everything to his victim before he kills him. That never, ever backfires!

Flashback to the previous issue’s fight where Spidey lost like a little spidery bitch. The S.H.I.E.L.D. agents are trying to neutralize the Octopus Situation, which, in this case, means the arms are thrashing and throwing cars on their own. Things are on fire. Maguire, Raimi, and Arad have the brilliant idea to get out of there, probably, soon, maybe… after they film all this wonderful, juicy carnage.

The arms continue throwing shit around for pages and pages while S.H.I.E.L.D. acts useless and afraid. They didn’t realize that the arms can move around on their own. That’s kind of fucked up actually. Soon enough, the arms slip away amidst the chaos and creep into a car that Ock stole during the ruckus. An unconscious Spidey sits in the passenger seat. Ock drives his two buddies to the Rockefeller Air Field and uses his arms to wreak more havoc and steal an airplane.

And here we are.

I have to make sure the pilot continues to do pilot things and not any “kill the Octopus Man” things.

The pilot takes some time out of his busy schedule of not dying to let Ock know, as he tried to let him know before, that you can’t just fly a plane and land anywhere you want out of nowhere. The flight isn’t in any logbook, so… he made up a fake log number and lied about it to Ground Control. For you, sir. Meanwhile, Ground Control reports to Major Tom that they’re not seeing his log number anywhere and he’s not cleared to land. They’ve been circling for hours and they’re running out of fuel. Their last-ditch effort will have to be flying into the Twin Towers for safety reasons! And trust me, the pilot is quite tempted!

Then, suddenly, Ground Control finds the log number and he’s cleared for landing on Runway 7. Whew! No hitches at all! Except for the fact that Spidey opened the emergency exit and jumped out of the place!

“PARKER!!” screams Ock once he realizes he’s just been hoodwinked by Parker’s silly fuckass nonsense! We live to see another issue!

Back at the Parker household, Gwen Stacy sits on the front stoop. Perturbed, she enters the house and, out of nowhere, decides to investigate the locked chest in the basement.

She cracks the lock open with a hammer.

And discovers a Spidey costume folded up within, mask and all. Tears enter her eyes when realization sets in.

“You killed my father.”

Final Thoughts

UH OH! BOI-OI-OI-OI-OI-OING! You’re in trouble now, Peter Parker! Gwen Stacy is going to have strong words to say to you once you smack the ground at 40,000 mph.