Welcome to Archieness & Riverdalers Presents: Archie (Vol. 1), Issue #294!

Archie (Vol. 1) , Issue #294 [July, 1980]

”My Stars”

Mr. Weatherbee is running late for his invasive colonoscopy. “Egad!” he shrieks, racing down the hallway of the school. “Look at the time!”

Right in front of Weatherbee is Archie bent over tying his shoe like he’s Principal Skinner about to get hit with the giant tomato. Weatherbee accidentally plows his crotch right into Archie’s tender buttocks and trips over the kid ass over elbows. “Oh, golly! Mr. Weatherbee!” Archie exclaims, liking it a little bit I surmise. Archie thought it was his fault. Weatherbee concedes that it was actually his fault.

Betty disagrees with both of them. She closes her eyes smugly: “Nobody was to blame for that, Archie! It had to be! It was written! Fate! Kismet!”

Predeterminism! Archie’s gonna get philosophical and heady today! Finally, Archie’s going to be a little more highbrow for some of the more sophisticated readers. *spills economy-sized bag of Cheetos all over my couch*

Mr. Weatherbee is a Scorpio. Betty knows all the teachers’ birthdays, I see. Because the old fat guy is a Scorpio, he was predestined to trip over a redheaded spaz and knock out all his remaining teeth. “All things are governed by the stars!” Betty argues. I’m going to hate this story already.

“You’re talking astrology?” Archie asks, a little bit slow on the uptake. Yes, astrology! Pseudoscience! I’m pretty sure Penn & Teller spent an episode flailing and flopping around about the very topic!

Look, miss, Archie’s too drunk to handle this right now, m’kay?

Archie agrees with Penn & Teller! This is bullpoop! Betty is steadfast in her astrological beliefs. She hands Archie the paper and tells Archie to read Weatherbee’s entire horoscope! Everything about the broken-down car and the penis bees, it will all be true! Just you wait.

Even Mr. Weatherbee laughs at the notion! “Look for an overseas trip today,” reads Archie incredulously. “Do not fear! You will survive!”

Well, this is bad news indeed for longtime Archie Comics readers who really want to see Weatherbee die in a fiery airplane crash. However, Weatherbee somehow understands this to mean that he drives over the Willets Street Bridge every morning on his way to work! Guffaw guffaw, but that’s silliness! Hyuck hyuck!

Instead of going to class, Weatherbee has Archie come to his office and read more of his horoscope (since Mr. Weatherbee forgot how to read during the Great Amensia Battle of 1974). “Look for an unexpected financial windfall,” Archie reads just before a young woman raps on Weatherbee’s door to deliver a check for $75. “Ulp!” says Archie. Quite ulpily.

Weatherbee is thoroughly spooked out of his Trump-lookin’ suit now. “Let me see that paper!” he bellows. “A step in the right direction will save you much pain,” he reads moments before someone throws a fucking baseball through his (unfortunately) open window. “Yipe!” says Archie. Quite yipily.

We’ve got some True Believers on our hands now, boy howdy. Weatherbee picks up the phone immediately to enroll in some Astrology 101 course for $50. Archie approaches Betty to say it was true! All true! All horrifyingly, sickeningly true!

“I didn’t realize that was yesterday’s paper!” says Betty, clutching the newest rag in her hands. “Today’s horoscope is completely different!”

“Yipe!” says Archie.

*live studio audience gets murdered*

”Revenge Is Sweet”

Archie and Jughead see a real asshole walking on the other side of the street. It’s Jerry Hatchew, and he looks like if Reggie subsisted entirely on his own farts for the last 14 years.

“That rotten little kid from grammar school!” huffs Jughead.

“That’s the guy!” gripes Archie. “He was always pulling dumb kid tricks on us!”

“I hated that creep!” Jughead adds. Jughead looks fantastic in his stylish suspenders, by the way. “He used to pin childish signs on our backs!”

“Right! ‘Kick me hard!’ Infantile humor!” Archie cries. Yeah, that’s so awful. I would’ve made even better signs like “Serial rapist” or “Make fun of my dead mother”. Hatchew ain’t got nothing on me!

Well, sir, Jughead and Archie are ready to exact their revenge today! They crouch behind a bush waiting to ambush their target. As they commisseate, you can see Jerry Hatchew perk his ears up with impish glee. Archie and Jughead are going to get fucked all over again.

A plan has been hatched!

Hyuk!

Jughead makes his presence known, introduces himself as Mr. Jughead T. K. O. Jones. “Still wearing that crazy hat, eh Jughead?” Hatchew cackles. Well, Jughead walked right into that one, honestly. It is a stupid hat, after all.

“Makes me stand out in a crowd! Know what I mean?” Jughead responds haughtily. Archie wiggles his little ass as he crawls behind Hatchew, ready for the scheme to reach completion! Jughead brings up all those HILARIOUS gags that Hatchew used to play on him and Archie. Very funny stuff, butthole! Well, two can play it this game, and furthermore, w–

“Say, is that a dime on the ground?” Hatchew bends down just as Jughead moves forward to push! Jughead falls right on Archie! Hatchew gets to laugh at the two wieners! Couple’a suckers! Haw haw!

Archie and Jughead fume as they both get mocked for the next three panels. He then slaps a “Kick Me Hard” sign on both their backs. A very large crowd gathers around them. Both succumb to blunt force injuries and painful anal insertions. We all get the last laugh.

”Happy Times”

“Eeyahoo!” Archie says, leaping in the air. Someone wrote that, ladies and gentlemen. Someone wrote “eeyahoo”. “It’s one of those days! I feel like a million dollars!”

Aha, Archie got laid last night! Who was the lucky lady? Betty? Veronica? The chick from Succession, you know, Shiv? “Life is grrreat!” He fist pumps the air while drawing the ire of the Kellogg company lawyers.

Archie catches up with Dilton on the sidewalk, who wants to know what kind of fucking uppers this kid is on right now.

This noose I made doesn’t even fit right!

Depressed Dilton wants to know what Archie could possibly be so happy about. Uhm, didn’t you hear, Dilton? The chick from Succession. “The bottom of the barrel!” Dilton says of life. “A bad joke, played on us by the powers that be! In short – it stinks!” He walks away to stick his head in the oven. Archie’s bubble has been burst.

Archie catches Jughead on the sidewalk too and starts bitching about how Dilton ruined his steez. “Dilton, huh?” is all Jughead has to say. Well, if Dilton thinks life stinks, and Dilton is smart, then Jughead’s gonna agree with him! Fuck life. He walks away to go fill his pockets full of rocks. Archie’s getting upset!

Archie catches Betty and Veronica on the sidewalk and starts bitching about Jughead ruined his steez. All Jughead needs to do is fuck a juicy hamburger, though, and he’ll be right back on track? What kind of food is Archie supposed to fuck, huh? Who’s thinking about poor Archie?

Anyway, Veronica asks why Archie’s in such a good mood anyway. Betty calls life a drag, son. “Jeepers!” pouts Archie. Everyone around here needs one of those seasonal affective disorder lamps.

Dilton, Jughead, Betty, and Veronica meet up to ask each other where Archie went. “I want to thank him for cheering me up!” Dilton jubilates. Jughead agrees, because he doesn’t have his own opinions about shit, apparently. Betty couldn’t be happier! Veronica wants to throw a party in honor of life! And Archie will be the guest of honor!

Everyone has fun!

200-proof punch just ain’t strong enough, eh Arch?

”Second Site”

Betty is excited! She runs out of the Riverdale Public Library with so much gusto that she almost trips over a rock and slams her knee right down on Archie’s jugular vein. “Do you know who was born right here in the little ol’ town of Riverdale?” she asks Archie and a dude named Chuck who showed up for the first time in this very panel, never to be seen again after this mundane story.

“Besides us?” Archie asks. The laughter from the studio audience causes earthquakes in Malaysia.

“Dan Deerskin! The famous trailblazing pioneer!” Betty grins as if this mattered to anyone, even her. Sounds like a Ted Nugent-type that pooped his pants to get out of the army. “I found it in a reference book! 15 Chester Street!” Betty says. Now Chuck, this Chuck guy, he’s black so he obviously knows where all the slums are. “That’s in a real slum area!” he says.

Archie is already angry at the injustice! Dan Deerskin’s childhood home in a slum! Give me a pipe bomb, I’ll show that slum who’s a slum! Indignity! “How do we go about it?” Betty asks when Archie suggests having the slumlord government restore the slum. Grassroots campaign, that’s how Betty Ol’ Boy! “Let’s go see the mayor!” Archie starts running in a direction, that’s for sure.

Jesus, kids. Go home and play video games or something. What’s cool in 1980? Do they have Space Invaders yet?

Mayor Larry David will not stand for this! He wants the Mayor on the phone, someone’s going to fix this mess! Oh wait! OK, well, here’s what he wants to do: get signatures for a petition! Haha! What?? A petition?? Fuck you, sir. Do something real!

“We knew we could count on you, Mr. Mayor!” says Archie Kissass Andrews. Pretty soon the mayor gifts him with copies of the petition and a task to gather, and I quote, “thousands of signatures”. Are you fucking kidding me with this shit? Who is Dan Deerskin, some porn actor?

Instead of studying or doing homework, Betty, Archie, and Chuck all spend hours gathering signatures at various malls, motels, rest areas, gloryholes, and biker conventions.

“That famous man” likes the cockroaches, Junior! He was a cockroach farmer!

Putting on his finest black-and-yellow plaid sweater vest, Archie visits the mayor to see how shit’s goin’. “We’re really putting the pressure on Washington!” Mr. Mayor proclaims as if Denzel had any interest in this whatsoever. Any day now, the federal government will come in! Any day now! Any day now!

Soon, “a man” shows up from Washington D.C. and it could be any man, honestly. It could be a fuckin’ plumber. The kids get to go in the Washington D.C. plumber man’s private car and talk Americanisms with him. They ride to Chester Street where they find a bum stinkin’ up the place something foul and awful. He informs the “man from Washington”, as well as the kids, that Deerskin’s digs burned down in like 1942.

Good thing that someone thought to check! Jesus christ, people.

Final Thoughts

Here’s a final thought: Someone should grab Archie by the ears and punt his head to Alabama. Fuck that kid.