Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Batman and the Monster Men, Issue #5 – “Batman and the Monster Men (Part 5)”! In the previous installment, Batman successfully fends off three giant monster men, leaving Professor Strange orgasmic with glee at witnessing such an impressive spectacle! Too bad Batman sustained many critical injuries, such as broken ribs and a prolapsed rectum.

Unluckily for Batman, Professor Strange was able to scrounge up a drop of his blood for further genetic experimentation. Prepare for the Bat to be fighting an ultra-strong version of himself by Issue #6!

Julie still cares about Bruce for some fool-ass reason. Norman Madison is drinking himself into an addled stupor. Alfred still fucks. That’s all you need to know about the other characters, fortunately. And if you didn’t already know that Alfred fucks then get the hell off my blog, idiot.

Batman and the Monster Men, Issue #5 [May, 2006]
Written by: Matt Wagner
“Batman and the Monster Men (Part 5)”

Commissioner Grogan has called Jim Gordon into his office to explain something: how is he contacting the Bat Man.

“I play it dumb as any stoolie in the hot seat,” Ol’ Jimmy thinks. “I’m afraid I don’t know what you mean, sir.”

Grogan tells Gordon to 1) stop having such a similar last name, and 2) shove that bullshit up your arse. Everyone knows there’s a little hanky-panky going on with Gordon and Batman late at night. It’s being talked about everywhere, even Entertainment Tonight! Grogan spreads a case file over his desk showing pictures of Batman. “These are your files! For over eight months of last year you spent serious time and effort trying to find this nut-case. And then, suddenly, nothing. Why’d you drop it?”

Gordon sticks his hands in his oversized jacket pockets. The case went cold like a fishstick, sir.

Grogan calls bullshit. He knows Gordon is working with Batman – a known freelance vigilante – a felon! Grogan could have his badge if it wasn’t covered in layers of poop during Jim Gordon’s daily cow-tipping excursions. Gordon just walks away going “I’m just doing my job, you cunt.”

Leaving the office, Gordon’s heart rate returns to normal. He pulls out a little bat-shaped radio transmitter in his pocket and presses the button.

Batman’s trail grows cold. Hugo Strange has run away; his warehouse burned down. No evidence, no perpetrator, only Batman and his soggy bowl of Corn Flakes. He receives Gordon’s transmission and meets him up on the Police HQ roof. Time for a chit-chat.

Gordon tells him that forensics returned weird results on the DNA test. Batman tells him that they’re dealing with mutants. They’re huge and they eat people and little bald fucker is responsible.

Better than giant mutant cannonballs.

Batman surmises that Strange is tied to Maroni, possibly even indebted to him. How he knows this I don’t know, but it moves the plot along nicely, doesn’t it?? Gordon still thinks this is a joke. A silly prank. A tease. Jocularity. Batman narrows his eyes and tells Gordon that he has no sense of humor whatsoever, obviously, so Gordon puts out an A.P.B. on Maroni. Batman is satisfied and leaps away, leaving Gordon doubting his involvement with this tights-wearing weirdo. “How did I come to this?” he thinks.

Meanwhile, Hugo Strange is now conducting his experiments in a freight truck under a suspension bridge. Classy! Their newest experiment appears to be leading toward success. Strange thanks his assistant Sanjay and they have some quick exposition dialogue about Strange being unable to save Sanjay’s sick brother. It’s unnecessary!

Julie Madison is headed to the library to pull an all-nighter for law school. Norman is sobbing and tells his daughter not to go out alone tonight. “I’m afraid something’s gone terribly, terribly wrong,” he says. If “they” decide to find her… well, it’s curtains, see? Curtains.

Norman is very vague about all this. He talks about “bad men” and that he is not the man she thinks he is (a mime??? Say it ain’t so!). He fesses up to borrowing an assload of money from Maroni, and if he defaults on his loan they will find Julie, tear out her uterus, and make Norman eat the uterus. These are very serious people they’re dealing with here.

When asked why Norman didn’t go through legitimate channels, he dodges the subject and whines about his ruined company if word got out that he dealt with crime lords. “You’ve got to hide,” Norman tells his daughter. “Leave the city…”

So Julie Madison plans to head to Boise or Winnipeg or somewhere equally boring. “Goodbye, Daddy. Be careful… I’ll be in touch… soon…”

Maybe this cat piss will take my mind off of getting my dick cut off by the mob.

One of Maroni’s goons calls Maroni with a problem: Norman claims he has the first payment, but he will only give it to Maroni in person! Face to face, missionary-style! Norman’s eyes look bloodshot as fuck, like he drank for seven straight days without sleeping and then ran two marathons and then stayed up doing Julie’s law school homework for her. He slurs his speech as he tells Maroni’s goon that this is about honor!

Fine. Maroni will see the drunk sad-sack if his goons drive him while he’s blindfolded. Norman hiccups.

Instead of traveling immediately to Casper, Wyoming, Julie barges into Wayne Manor to enlist Bruce’s help. “It’s… it’s my father!! I think he’s in… he’s in danger!”

Bruce is like “settle down, ho” while tears stream down her cheeks. “He’s in debt to a loan shark! They’ve threatened me to get to him!!” she says. Bruce makes a face like Beavis when he’s upset and asks Julie where her father is now. Bruce drops a roofie into a glass of water and gives it to Julie; she’s out cold in a matter of milliseconds. Alfred tut tuts at this rather unseemly action, but Bruce insists that there was no choice. The bitch was hysterical! As women are! So emotional! Bruce dumps Julie in his east guest bedroom so that he can go out and be Batman at this most inappropriate of times.

Hugo Strange pulls his three Large Boys out of a truck. “Come now, shake off your sedation. And rally to a cause deserving of your savage instincts!” says Sanjay. “Tonight, my friends, you will unleash your terrible might as never before!”

What are they going to do tonight? Play Yahtzee? Hugo Strange introduces a new fourth player in the mix. “The Prince of the Monster Men!” He looks like the other three. Just taller. Strange and Sanjay lead them into the woods for some reason. Maybe to eat squirrels? I’m lost.

Gentlemen, we’re off to Denny’s!

Bruce dons his Batman threads. Norman Madison dealing with loan sharks. That really pisses in his already-soggy Corn Flakes. He doesn’t have time for that shit right now even though the other matters can be handled by Gotham’s very competent police force! As in, ok, I see now, Batman has it figured out: Hugo Strange is going to try to kill Sal Maroni with his four monster men. Good thing his ugly Batmobile prototype is finally finished, now he can get there three minutes faster. Batman tells Alfred not to molest his sleeping girlfriend while he’s gone.

Maroni’s goons have chauffeured Norman to the Crime Mansion. Norman looks like someone pumped his butt full of fentanyl. “All right then, Madison. What the hell was so important that you hadda come all the way out here?” But he doesn’t let Norman answer the question. He demands his money first. Norman wants to talk about Julie. Maroni is like “oh yeah, her.” Norman says they crossed a line when they threatened her. Maroni says it’s the cost of doing business.

A banging on the door interrupts the friendly chat. Maroni’s goon tells him it looks like an attack. Maroni thinks he’s been set up, and he turns his gun to the only mope who coulda set him up.

You’ll be eating soggy Corn Flakes in Hell!

Final Thoughts

Norman’s gonna eat a bullet while Hugo Strange exacts his Monster Men-related revenge on Salvatore Maroni. Batman’s not going to stop anyone in time and Jim Gordon is going to get sucked into a jet engine intake. This is all 125% going to happen, mark my words.