Batman and the Monster Men, Issue #6

* Part 6 of 6 of the Batman and the Monster Men limited series *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Batman and the Monster Men, Issue #6 – “Batman and the Monster Men (Part 6)”! In the previous installment, Norman Madison has shown up completely hammered to Sal Maroni’s secret hideout to tell him, in person, to “shtay away fro’ muh daughter or there’ll be conshequenshes”. Meanwhile, Hugo Strange has prepared a gaggle of Monster Men to go ambush Maroni at his digs. Maroni thinks he has been set up by Norman and points a gun right at his face.

But what of Batman? Well, this guy has it all figured out and he’s going to a) stop Hugo Strange, b) stop the Monster Men, c) save Norman Madison, d) finish helping Julie, e) eat a pie, and f) help earn Jim Gordon with the Excellence in Police Captainry Award.

Speaking of eating a pie, I’m gonna go eat a pie.

Batman and the Monster Men, Issue #6 [June, 2006]
Written by: Matt Wagner
“Batman and the Monster Men (Part 6)”

We pick up exactly where we left off: a big, fat gun in Norman’s face. “Dear God, Maroni! NO! I swear I never–”

Luckily for Norman Madison and his puffy, squelchy, un-bulleted brain, a man suddenly gets thrown through the glass window and distracts the whole room for the manslaughtering task at hand. It’s a guy named Santo who was working the front gate, and now he’s a dead corpse of a man. “We’re on the third floor for cryin’ out loud!” cries Maroni’s henchman. Maroni looks outside the broken window and sees three bumpy, misshapen giants wearing shorts lurching over the gate and toward the manor.

“The guns will only serve to enrage them,” Hugo Strange thinks as the guns only serve to enrage them. “Something inside me is proud… like a mother cat as it watches its young toy with a mouse for the first time.”

Maroni grits his teeth and fires dozens of rounds at the Monster Men. He is joined by all of his muscle, all of them firing their guns straight at the shambling monster jerks. “Drawn by the lights…” Strange thinks. “…they close in on the main entrance.”

While Maroni’s men get thrown around, Strange and Sanjay watch from the main gate. “Look at them, Sanjay! Such ferocity! Such mayhem! They are like lions among sheep!”

Strange adjusts his sloppy dick in his pants while Sanjay tries to get Strange’s attention. Some sort of Bat-like Mobile runs down the gate at 500mph. Sanjay grabs Strange out of the way just in time, which is a damn shame innit?

Batman sees the carnage happening on the front lawn and gives a hearty “told ya so” to the audience. He runs into a Monster Man and traps him in a net while he’s still dazed and confused. It’s steel fiber-reinforced! It’s the good stuff!

Too bad it barely works at all. Maroni and his men, including Norman, check out the net (which is getting ripped out from the ground as we speak) while Batman moseys over to the entrance to try to fend off the other two giants.

THOK THOK, motherfuckers! I’m the little THOKing boy!

However, Maroni and his men start shooting the net. Batman THOKs a couple of smoke bombs in their direction and incapacitates the lot of them. Meanwhile, Sanjay approaches the net. The monster man is dead, and it was his brother Rajan. Pissed and vengeful, Sanjay starts popping caps in Maroni’s thugs’ heads while they writhe on the ground. And then a thug shoots Sanjay in the head. Then Strange shoots that guy in the head. Nobody shoots Strange, though, because you never want to shoot a guy with glasses!

Now Strange wants to avenge his stinky assistant. “One more reason for Maroni to die,” he thinks.

Maroni wants to get the hell out of dodge for obvious reasons (Monster Men). The two surviving ones roam about the house looking for snacks and things to fuck, but Maroni’s buddy tells him that there’s a helipad on the roof! They can escape as long as they can… you know, run past the Monster Men. Good idea, huh? *slap*

Norman panics. Maroni socks him in the face with his gun.

The house is full of dead dudes. And blood. Batman stands in a room facing the Monster Men. “All right, boys,” he says intimidatingly even though he’s seven feet shorter than both of them. “Playtime’s over.” He starts whipping around his balls-on-a-string, faster, faster, faster, then unleashes them! Wraps around their necks, they do! Then Batman attaches a camming device that ratchets in the cables the harder they tug! And that happens in exactly six microseconds. Their heads are close enough to kiss, but they don’t kiss. Not yet. There will be time for kissing later.

Serendipitous, you might say. *winky winky*

So now with those two smashing and killing each other, Batman scurries out and finds Norman grasping his head. Norman gets the piss scared out of him and asks this Batguy what he wants. Money? Jewelry? Pussy? Is it pussy? It’s pussy, isn’t it? It’s always pussy.

“Maroni. Where has he gone to hide?” Batman asks, helping the hapless man up from the floor.

“The… the roof!” stammers Norman. “There’s a helicopter…”

Batman tells Norman to go the fuck home while he does daring superhero shit. He uses his name, too, which unnerves Norman to no end.

Maroni and his dude argue about who is going to fly the helicopter when the fourth Monster Man – the biggest and angriest of the Monster Men – pops in for a hearty hello. “NNRGGH” he actually says, which roughly translates to “Hi there, I’m Dave, nice to meet you.” And it’s a good think that Maroni and Co. have a limitless supply of bullets! Because they start bulleting right away. It doesn’t work and they get badly hurt by monstrous fists of fury!

Then Batman leaps on its head and starts fucking its face. Then he jabs an animal tranquilizer in its neck (you know, because he just happened to have a giant syringe full of piss-yellow liquid on hand for just such an occasion). Giant Monster Man goes “RRAAGHH!” and punches Batman off of him. Batman flops like a sad little fish.

Norman scrambles to get out of the house. Strange can’t help but keep gawking at the scene just to see if he can catch a glimpse of Maroni eating it. Norman, not looking, slams into Strange. Strange mistakes Norman for one of Maroni’s men and starts to fancy ninja acrobatics at him, kicking him and punching him and looking quite nimble. Then Strange runs away knowing that his “curiosity is hubris”. Norman is just like “I’m tired and I want my mac and cheese”.

Serendipitous, you might say. *winky winky winkity wink*

Batman still fights. He throws batarangs tipped with acid at the giant, who is only mildly injured as a result, but quite enraged! So enraged, in fact, that he plows right toward Batman with immeasurable velocity! Batman steps out of the way like Bugs Bunny and the monster plows into the helicopter, sending it and himself careening over the edge and off the roof. BOOM! Explosion upon ground impact! 9/11 was an inside job! And we’re all safe and sound!

Except now Maroni sees this as an opportunity to execute Batman, but Batman is too quick. He slaps the gun out of Maroni’s hand and holds him by the front of the shirt. “I’m going to spare your useless life on one condition…” Batman says, bluffing. “Norman Madison… you’ve got your dirty hooks in him. No longer! He’s now square with any debt to you!”

Maroni tries to stammer, tries to sputter, tries to struggle, tries to tell Batman that Norman owes him a million bajillion dollars. “Not anymore!” Batman sneers. “Got it?”

Yes, boss! May I have another, boss! Boss, I love you! I–

Batman lopes away to go be Bruce Wayne again so he check up on Julie in his lavish mansion full of rooms that can house many, many beautiful unconscious women. “Julie? Julie? Wake up…” He slaps her face repeatedly, drawing blood and knocking out more than a few teeth. She comes to and sits up, asking where she is and how long she’s been out. The answer is 47 days. Also, she’s in Hell.

The first thing she asks about is her father, and Bruce assures her that Norman is fine. He faked his own death and is now living in a coal mine 1,200 feet underground in West Virginia. “Oh, Bruce!” she cries, hugging him. “How can I ever, ever thank you?”

Bruce unzips his pants. Then he zips them back up and tells her that there’s no need to thank him.

On their way to go see Daddy Dearest, Bruce and Julie walk by an electronics shop with 18 televisions in the window showing a news broadcast with Hugo Strange as their guest. You see, their feature is about the Bat-Man, and Gotham’s esteemed professor of psychology knows what makes him tick: a) he is hidden right out in the open, b) he’s insane, and c) he has an emotionally stunted persona! Sound familiar? Case closed!

“Maroni and the Roman successfully managed to hush up the monsters’ attack,” thinks Bruce in that traumatized melon head of his. “Even Gordon wasn’t able to get close to the case.”

He’s also bald and 4’10” tall. Wait, who are we talking about again…?

We end with Norman Madison sweating and pooping his pants in his house, thinking that Batman’s going to be out to get him next. After all, he stops at nothing, he’s relentless, he’s insane, and he knows Norman’s name!

“…surely he knows what I did…”