My name is Jaesyn Momarozamo and I refuse to introduce myself. My retarded faggot older brother Bryndyn — his words, not mine — bought the Skyrim Anniversary Edition last week because it was on sale for $599.99 and our Xbox only has two other games: Family Circus Fan Pack and Anal Fisting Sluts 8. At least now I don’t have to follow Billy’s stupid dotted line as he steals the mail from the mailbox and blasts it with a garden hose, much to Daddy’s chagrin.

I played other games too at Mark’s house but we have to be sneaky about it since his mom won’t let him play video games anytime after 1pm. Her name is Jennifer and she can suck a hell fuck. She’s pretty hot though since she’s only like 34 years old, but she has an attitude and her eyebrows are always crinkly. She also does a lot of hot yoga which is gay as hell.

Skyrim: Anniversary Edition

Anyway, this game is really fucked. I don’t know what’s going on and all the trolls keep killing me. I climbed the giant mountain with all the sus old child molesters and learned how to yell gibberish that knocks enemies back, which is cool, but I enter areas like Cold Dick Keep and I get blasted by some mage’s two bolts of ice and I die instantly. I even brought the difficulty down to Kid Without Opposable Thumbs, but these bandits kept smashing me with giant warhammers before I even had a chance to suck down a potion. That reminds me, there are only four weapons in the whole game. I tried being a bow-and-arrow orc and I accidentally shot a Whiterun guard in the neck. I was aiming for Ysolda, the bitch who wants a mammoth tusk, because she was catty with me.

The Anniversary Edition comes with bonus content, but since the actual game is over 700 hours long you’ll never actually get to play them. Speaking of which, there are a fuckton of quests and they all want you to go to the wrong side of the map. Here I am in Riften trying to learn how to pickpocket hot women, and everyone is like “TRAVEL TO SOLITUDE TO FETCH MY CANE”. There’s this one quest where some god named Meridian wants me to visit her temple way up in the mountains, and I’d rather throw her beacon into the ocean.

This game is bad. No wonder no one played it in 2011 and no wonder no one plays it now.

Rating: D+

Control

Control is pretty sweet. It takes place in this government building that’s the size of Disney World, and this chick spends most of the time throwing concrete and flying demons. I didn’t get very far in the game before I died a lot, probably because I didn’t get all the right powerups and I kept forgetting to cleanse the circles, whatever the fuck that means. Mark got to the science lab, but then his mom unplugged the Xbox and made him eat his green beans.

I convinced faggot-ass Bryndyn to buy the game when it was on sale for $69 (nice), but the files were corrupted or something because it wouldn’t get past the load screen no matter how long we waited, and it was blasting “Bent” by Matchbox 20.

What little I did play of it was pretty awesome even though the main chick wasn’t hot enough. I like my women with a little meat on their bones.

Rating: A-

Batman: Arkham Asylum

Mark used to have a collection of comic books until his mom threw them out while he was away at Fat Camp. His favorite superhero is Batman because “Batman rules” and he doesn’t have anything smarter to say about it. I like Batman too, but I’m not a stupid gaywad about it like Mark. I think Deadpool is way cooler because he says swear words and he makes fun of people who died horrible deaths.

Batman: Arkham Asylum is about Batman spending hours upon hours looking for the Joker, and since Joker is much, much smarter than him you spend the whole game fighting mercenaries in buildings instead of punching the clown’s teeth out of his head. Usually, Joker can be seen on the TV screens in the buildings going “HEE HEE HEE, CAN’T CATCH ME, BATS!” and I hate it that he keeps calling him “Bats”, but otherwise the game is pretty cool. Mark wanted to find all the Riddler trophies, but since I thought that was boring bullshit I instead farted in a paper bag and made him huff it.

Batman has some cool gadgets that you’ll never use, like the controllable batarang and the electric dildo thing. I mostly liked blowing shit up with the explosive spray. Mark liked climbing tall buildings and gliding down the ground, and it was fun the first 5,000 times but it got old fast. Good thing the power went out in the house and we were able to play the Mad Magazine board game from the ’70s.

Rating: B

Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas

This game is older than dirt, but it can be fun if you like stealing cars like I do. Basically, you play some gangsta negro that just got out of jail and you need to help his friends avenge his criminal punishment. Or something like that. Samuel L. Jackson plays an asshole cop. Eventually, you help James woods in the mountains. It’s a weird game.

Usually, I like to eat at the Burger Shot until I’m fatter than Mark, and then I adjust the angle of the camera so that it looks like I’m struttin’ toward it. I laughed so hard that Mark’s mom caught us playing Xbox at 12:50pm, so she threw it in the pond behind his house. Yes, that’s right, Mark has a pond behind his house. Mark is super rich because his dad is a pimp or something.

Anyway, stealing cars gets boring after a while and the cutscenes of the missions are just CJ’s friends going “I AIN’T NO BUSTA’!” I’d rather play Crash Bandicoot.

Rating: C+

That’s all for now. I played more games, but I already wrote 1,000 words and that’s about 950 more than I wrote for my book report on Kama Sutra. I got an F and my parents got arrested.

See you next time.