Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: JLA (Vol. 1), Issue #2 – “The Day the Earth Stood Still”! In the previous installment, a group of alien bad guys named the Hyperclan show up on Earth under the guise of helping the planet solve its problems, but they’re really after defaming the Justice League and taking over as Earth’s trusted heroes before swinging the hammer the other way! Whatever that actually means. I’m not entirely sure yet!

Batman sees this for what it is: a planned invasion by an alien clan with an unknown agenda. And it’s time to nip it in the bud before things get completely out of hand!

And Superman has a mullet. I cannot get over that. That’s the sole reason I’m continuing reading this!

JLA (Vol. 1), Issue #2 [February, 1997]
Written by: Grant Morrison

The entire world’s media has congregated to Antarctica where they are collectively reporting about the headquarters of the Hyperclan: this immense, gold structure. “These alien superheroes have captured the hearts of the world with their miraculous feats. Protex, the leader, has promised another fantastic display today and this is only one of three locations where the Hyperclan intend to work their magic.”

News crews are set up on other parts of the world in anticipation for the possibility that something fascinating will happen there. The middle of the ocean, for example. Or the Gobi Desert. That one island with the savages who will kill you on sight if you so much as walk on their beach and stare at their exposed, flaccid penises.

Well, the middle of the ocean and the middle of the Gobi Desert were good locations to stake out. Structures erupt from the sea and sand. Large, floating cities! Out of nowhere!

But that’s not all! The Hyperclan have shown up in Antarctica to explain the nature of these miraculous structures! “Call them ‘Watchtowers’, we intend to divide our forces into three groups, each of which will be permanently stationed in one of these headquarters. We want to be able to respond to any emergency as quickly as possible. The planet is destroying itself. Your people need help to build a paradise and that help has arrived. The Hyperclan is here to stay. You can print that.”

Yes, sir, Your Handsomeness!

“Fuck Tha Police” by N.W.A. is on constant rotation.

Meanwhile, the Justice League are cavorting around their satellite headquarters trying to figure shit out. The giant UFO over the White House was merely a projection, not real at all. Superman couldn’t find any sign of the orbital mind control transmitters. Green Lantern tried scanning with the ring, but the transmissions appear to be coming out of nowhere. I don’t know what any of these people are talking about.

Let’s regroup? What are we dealing with, here? A clan of superaliens who turned the entire world against the Justice League in a matter of milliseconds. They turn to “Mr. Plan” Batman, who always has a plan. What’s the plan?

Batman deflects to Martian Manhunter immediately because he’s too busy microwaving a Hot Pocket.

Martian Manhunter says that the plan is to do what they always do.

…and that is this: “Divide our forces and investigate the threat. Destroy their transmission facilities need be.”

So Superman and Batman should travel to Antarctica where it’s cold as an ice cube on a penis. Wonder Woman can visit the middle of the ocean, so have fun. Green Lantern, Flash, and Martian Manhunter will go to the Gobi Desert. Green Lantern really wants some alone time with Wonder Woman, but that’s not in the cards, pal. Go learn to suck your own dick, you’ll be more productive.

Travelling at Mach 3, Wonder Woman makes it to the International Date Line in about as much time as it takes to oven cook a Kid Cuisine. Something dumb happens on the way: a whirlpool spins out of control and opens up to reveal a giant rock monster named Fluxus. They introduce themselves to each other even though they both know who the other is. “I’d like you give you a chance to explain yourself before we have to start fighting,” Wonder Woman says, whipping out her magic rope.

“Explain? What’s to explain?” Fluxus says in a quivering purple speech balloon. “We’re going to kill you, all of you, and then we’re going to enslave this lush little world of yours. What do you think of that? Hmmmm–?”

Wonder Woman socks him in the face with one meager punch and sends him flying back into the ocean.

As always, we appreciate your contributions, Aquafuck.

Aquaman shows up all of a sudden to be a little bitch. All like “what did I miss?” after deliberately missing everything. “I have no interest in the Justice League or its business. How many times do I have to tell you people before it sinks in?” Aquaman groans. What happened? Did Superman get his mullet hairs in the pot of chili during Justice League Dinner again? “I don’t need you here,” Aquaman continues as he points his sharp sword-thing at Wonder Woman. “I don’t want you here. If there’s a problem, I’ll deal with it.”

Wonder Woman tells this asshole not to point sharp things at her, and also she needs his help, and also the Hyperclan is days away from taking over the oceans so he’s not immune to the chaos, and also stop being such a Coy Gus.

While these two bicker like preadolescent siblings, one of the Hyperclan shows up to start shaking babies. “That’s what I like about you people. No discipline. Squabble amongst yourselves while we take your world from under your noses and slaughter you one by one.”

Eep! Wonder Woman starts fighting this gal (Tronix) and tells Aquaman to help her. Aquaman grumpily tells her that he doesn’t take orders from women while he starts hacking off his dick with a Swiss army knife fish scaler. Then he does help, but Tronix gets help from Fluxus and now these two Justice League jobbers are outmatched.

Meanwhile, in the Gobi Desert, Green Lantern and the Flash wait for Martian Manhunter to show up. While they observe the Hyperclan structure being worshiped by stupid human pilgrims, a Hyperclan dude named ZüM shows up for a little rumble.

Zoom Zoom, Mazda fans.

So the Flash and Green Lantern face off against this Flash knockoff guy. And then a dude named Armek shows up to muddle the panels even further with action bullshit. Yawn.

Martian Manhunter is facing Protex alone. “You’ve never really been one of them, have you J’onn?” Protex says, trying to get into Martian Manhunter’s head. “At best they’ve tolerated you, treated you as a mascot. That’s why you asked to meet me in secret, isn’t it?”

Protex is a smooth motherfucker, trying to get J’onny-Boy on the Justice League’s bad side. Trying to appeal to his feeling of alienation. Protex is just like him! Strangers in a strange land! “Perhaps they’re afraid of me,” J’onn says of the rest of his buddies. “Give them a reason to be afraid, J’onn,” says Protex. “Seize your destiny. Join us.”

Elsewhere, Superman and Batman are chatting about group dynamics! Superman asks if Batman likes working with superpeople? And Batman says that ordinary people are major fuckups, so, if he must trust anyone, it might as well be superpeople. Does that answer your question, dingbat?

Oh wait, something is on his radar. Hold on, he’s going to see if this Batmobile can make a cup of coffee and KRRROOOM! Superman gets punched in the chest by Hyperclan Hot Lady, sending him zooming 8,000 mph in the opposite direction. Batman’s like “nobody punches Superman except me!” and locks onto his target, sending heat-seeking missiles in the Hyperclan Hot Lady’s (Primaid’s) direction. They get rereouted and, oh no, one of the missiles blasts Batman right out of the air! Oh no and lol

Then Protex is there to bring out the ol’ Kryptonite.

Bite the curb, son. Earth has new heroes now. You’re all washed up!

The Hyperclan all reconvene around Superman’s bloated, Kryptonite-addled body. “…we’ll stop you…” he wheezes as the Hyperclan plans their world domination.

“Who will stop us? The people of this Earth believe we are their saviors, and as for your colleagues… Batman is dead, Wonder Woman is dead, the Flash, Green Lantern, Aquaman, all dead. There’s only you. And us.”

“And a whole world on its knees.”

Final Thoughts

Hey, if I was at all competent at writing these things up, I would have mentioned that all these Justice League members had died. But I didn’t! Because they sure didn’t look like they died to me! But what do I know?

And what shitty luck. A million Justice League comic series and I had to pick the one where they all die in Issue #2! Surely there’s no way to recover from this!