Archie (Vol. 1), Issue #448

Welcome to Archieness & Riverdalers Presents: Archie (Vol. 1), Issue #448!

Archie (Vol. 1) , Issue #448 [June, 1996]

”The Scams of Spring” – Frank Doyle

Drawing attention to the cover art for a hot second, doesn’t it look like that Hiram Lodge is performing a lewd, impressive sex act against a hapless Archie? Perhaps against Archie’s consent? Statutorily? Maybe I should avoid reading this issue since it might harm my fragile sensibilities!

But no, I press on for you, the loyal reader. This is all your fault.

Archie is in his bed staring at framed pictures of Veronica with hearts swimming above his head. “Aah! Sigh! Oooh!” he moans orgasmically. Little does he know, Mr. And Mrs. Andrews are preparing to gut the house for spring cleaning. Trim the weeds and wax the trophies! They’re like “ARCHIE! GET YOUR SUPPLE LITTLE BUTT DOWNSTAIRS TO HELP REPLACE THE LINOLEUM RIGHT NOW!” And Archie snaps out of his drunk Veronica stupor.

His parents give Archie a laundry list of shit to do while Archie moans unorgasmically. Then his friend Jughead slams open the front door in the nick of time to save him. “Arch! Hey, Arch, baby! Let’s hit the bricks!!”

Sorry, son! Archie is spit-shining toilets today! Jughead is like “wow, families that work together stick together! Too bad my own parents died in that blimp explosion! *nudge nudge*” This causes the Andrewseses to become suspicious af.

“A real family! You stick together… no matter what cost!” Jughead says slyly.

“What cost?” repeats Mrs. Andrews.

“I mean trusting your only child with your precious home and garden! Despite the fact that ‘Ol’ Thumbs’ here messes up everything he tries!” Jughead grabs an offended Archie. “Right, ol’ buddy?”

“’Ol’ Thumbs’?” asks Mr. Andrews.

“A little moniker they gave him at school! You know, ‘cause he’s all thumbs! Like, clumsy, destructive!”

And fuck me sideways if I’m going to let our only son take a stinky dump in our refrigerator!

Is this sad display really going to fucking work, one asks? The answer is yes. Yes, it’s going to work, because Jughead is smooth like wet shit and Archie parents are like “I don’t want our house fucked up irrevocably” so they allow Archie to leave and never come back!

Later, Archie slaps Juggy’s back triumphantly. “Jug, you evil genius!” he says, leaping up and clicking his heels. Their first stop is the Lodge residence where Veronica is weeping on the couch in the foyer. “Why so glum, cunt?” Jughead asks rudely. Pretty rude for an Archie comic, huh? Wow, is that rude. Veronica is crying cuntily because she wants to go to the mall, but her car is dirty and she just did her nails so she doesn’t want to get her nails dirty. It’s a whole sad, sorry little affair. People have died in lesser tragedies. Well, Archie is here to help! He’ll take Veronica to the mall and he’ll buy her lunch and he’ll pick the ticks out of her hair! Happy Spring, everyone!

Meanwhile, Mr. and Mrs. Andrews realize that they’ve been rather hoodwinked. “Do you think we’ve been had?” asks Mr. Andrews.

“I was just thinking the same thing,” responds Mrs. Andrews, arms crossed. “It’s the conniving con man friend of Archies!”

Good work, team. Way to crack the case.

Yes, yes, it’s a convertible and the top is down. Those kids are not very bright, sir.

Mr. Andrews calls his buddy Hiram Lodge who confirms that the kids are frolicking around the driveway, and in less than four seconds Archie’s parents show up ready to pound their kid into hamburger meat. Mrs. Andrews pinches Jughead’s ear and his defense is “Ouch! Mrs. Andrews! I’m not your son!” And while that WILL hold up in court, Mama Andrews had called Jughead’s parents (or at least the two hobos under the overpass who pretend to be Jughead’s parents in situations such as these). Cleaning time, rascals!

Now Archie and Jughead are washing windows and raking leaves. I don’t know why one would be raking leaves in the spring, but I’m not here to quibble over the Andrewses yard and why the leaves fall off the tries in March.

“And, lo’ and behold! They’re as outstanding as WE are!” Mrs. Andrews says happily to Jughead. “They volunteered you for a day of spring cleaning at our place!”

The laugh track blows a speaker. Veronica’s nails get filthy and she hangs herself out of shame.

”A Clothes Encounter of the Worst Kind” – Hal Smith

Hiram Lodge is pacing around the house with flop sweat because he’s going to be carrying around $500,000 in bearer bonds and he’s afraid of being robbed blind at gunpoint. Archie is asking him if he’s going to go around in his $4,000 dollar suit looking “prosperous”. “It’s like a neon sign saying ‘rob me!’ You should wear your oldest clothes!”

Lodge likes the boy’s idea and changes into his $3,500 dollar suit plus his fancy fedora. Archie is still skeptical of the man’s ability to not get his butt fucked in a dark alley. “Maybe if we pull off a button!” Archie says, ripping it off the suit.

I do say, lad, I’d rather get butt fucked in a dark alley!

Archie continues desecrating Lodge’s “fancy” brown suit by stomping on everything and ripping off pieces. The final touch is splashing water on Lodge’s shoes and shoving him head first into a woodchipper. “Don’t take any of your cars downtown!” Archie says. “I’ll drive you!”

And, for some fucking reason, Lodge lets Archie drive him. Too bad the bank is closed and Archie peeled away, not returning for at least seven hours. I don’t know why Hiram Lodge isn’t rich enough to have a cellphone in 1996, but he decides to loiter against the wall looking quite homeless and degenerate. The cops come to arrest him and I’m not even joking about that! I joke quite a lot, but Hiram Lodge gets arrested for looking like a sleaze! Here’s how it went down:

“Look at the vagrant over there!”

“He looks mighty suspicious to me!”

“Okay, buddy, let’s see some I.D.!”

“Certainly! Oh, no! I left it in my other suit!”

“Ha-ha-ha! That’s a good one! What are those?”

“$500,000 in bearer bonds!”

“Oh, a robber, eh? You have the right to remain silent…”

“B-But…”

Uncle Leo?!!

So Hiram Lodge wastes his ONE phone call on the teenage fuckup, so that’s an lol from me. Hiram Lodge thinks that he should get a do-over on account of the fact that he was “talking to an idiot!”

“Who’s the new guy?” asks Gruff Inmate #1.

“I don’t know, but don’t mess with him…” says Gruff Inmate #2. “I heard him muttering about killing someone named Archie!”

The laugh track blows out another speaker. Veronica Lodge becomes an orphan after Hiram gets shanked in prison.

”Lodge Dodge” – Dan Parent

Veronica instructs Archie and Jughead to wait in the den until she gets back. Archie and Jughead perform hijinks and antics until Veronica gets back. The story is over in three panels.

”Notes To You” – Frank Doyle

Archie is in the school hallway scribbling something in a notebook. He’s wearing an ugly purple sweater that wouldn’t look out of place on The Cosby Show. Veronica thinks that he is writing another love note to her because she is conceited and stupid. She watches as he heads over to her locker and—WAIT A MINUTE! THAT’S NOT VERONICA’S LOCKER! IS HE SLIPPING THE NOTE INTO ANOTHER GIRL’S LOCKER?! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK, ARCHIE??

It was actually Mabel Mercer’s locker, the school slut! “Fortunately, he didn’t shove it all the way,” Veronica says. And yes, that’s what she said. “I can retrieve it and save the dear boy some embarrassment!”

Looks like someone’s hankerin’ for some of that school slut pussy!

Veronica gets so pissed that she takes a dump on the floor. “Ack!” she says in her finest Cathy impression. “That two-timing monster!! So he wants and needs what she’s got, does he?” She throws the note on the floor. “Fie on you, Mabel Mercer!”

An idea emerges in her brain! Veronica snaps her fingers in delight! “Hah! What that lovesick wretch Archie needs is an answer from his new girl!!” And indeed, she writes something to the effect of “Dearest Archie, I surgically implemented a set of teeth in my snatch. Come and get it, big boy!” She shoves the letter in Archie’s locker and scurries away in a huff and a half.

Later, Archie finds the letter and it’s very rude indeed: “Archie! – No way! Not a chance! What’s mine is mine, and it’s going to stay mine!! Butt out of my life and stop bothering me! Mabel!”

Archie turns to Betty to gripe and grumble at the sheer rudeness of Mabel Mercer. “I loaned her my class notes last week and now she refuses to give them back!” AND THEREIN LIES THE MISUNDERSTANDING! Archie doesn’t want some pussy! Well, he always wants pussy. But he doesn’t want Mabel Mercer’s pussy. He just wants his notes back, by god.

Well, Betty is on the case. She speaks to Mabel immediately, who of course says “OH DEAR! ARCHIE WANTS HIS NOTES?! I WILL GIVE HIM BACK HIS NOTES!” and then she goes to her locker to retrieve her notes. A scratchy-sweatered Archie confronts Mabel with her shitty response in Veronica’s flowery handwriting. Wasn’t Mabel, that’s for sure. She writes like a farmer.

“Someone is playing pranks on us!” cries Mabel.

“Reggie! I’ll bet it’s Reggie! That lowdown weasel!” rants Archie, shaking his fist like a 700-year-old man.

“Anyway, here are your notes back! Sorry about that!”

“Hey, Mabel! All’s well that ends well!”

lol

The laugh track erodes my skeleton into mush. Veronica gets detention for being a bitch.

”Drill This” – Dan Parent

Archie is at the dentist getting a cavity filled in every tooth. Like Swiss cheese, this kid’s teeth! The dentist says Archie is his first patient ever. He shakes with nervousness and caffeine. Archie gets a dentist drill in the eyeball.

”Tired Old Story” – Mike Pellowski

Archie’s alarm goes off at 3:15pm. “YEOW! I’m late!” he screams, sproinging out of bed. In his haste, Archie slips on his rug and suffers a concussion that leads to a coma that leads to a vegetative state that leads to getting his plug pulled as per the wishes of his will. He goes into the bathroom to brush his teeth and squirts toothpaste all over the ceiling. He goes outside and gets a ton of snow plopped on his head. He gets his car and the engine won’t start. He gets grease on his new jeans. Mom drops him off at school just as the bell rings. He slips on the hallway floor and skids right in front of Mr. Weatherbee. He hands him a detention slip.

Archie’s alarm goes off at 3:15pm. It was all a dream! “That was the worst start to the day I ever had! Thank goodness it was a dream!” he says. In his haste, Archie slips on his rug and gets decapitated.