Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #940 – “The Red Badge of Courage”! In the previous installment, Col. Kane sends in the drones! Batman and Batwoman and their crew try to deflect the drones! Red Robin successfully reroutes the drones! And now all the drones are chasing him! All of them! He’s going to die! Right before his semester at Clown College! D’oh! And he had so much to live for! Ha ha, sure.

This is the final issue of the story, so we’re going to see Col. Kane getting thwarted and Kate confronting him and the whole aftermath of all that nonsense. I didn’t see a single bit of detective work in my Detective Comics and I’m as livid as a nest of hornets right now.

Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #940 [November, 2016]
Written by: James Tynion IV
“The Red Badge of Courage”

Well, no one on the cover looks happy. Did someone get killed by a swarm of drones, because lol

Col. Kane’s airship flies over Gotham, as we knew already. He intercepts a message on the comm: “This is Batman to all allies. Red Robin is engaged in a mortally dangerous fight at Old Wayne Tower. I need someone, anyone, who can get there to help him. Nobody falls today. That’s an order.”

Meanwhile, Superman is in his Fortress of Solitude hearing the message, picking his nose, and going back to his lonely can of Hormel chili.

Col. Kane yells at Ulysses to revert those drones back to their original targets. Ulysses cries like a blubbering little baby, saying that they can’t be remotely shut down. This was supposed to be a failsafe to prevent Batman from doing any funny business! He didn’t think Red Robin would stick his pud in the controls and reroute every single one of them!

Kane is about three seconds from spanking Ulysses’ ass ruddy when Batwoman shows up to give her dad a talking-to. Kane’s all like “I’m trying to stop this, Kate” and Batwoman is like “You’re lying, idiot.”

“Kate, I won’t fight you,” says Col. Kane.

“Good,” she responds, punching some fresh blood out of his pretty mouth. “Why… At every damn point, why do you have to disappoint me? All I ever wanted to do was make you proud. YOU WERE ALL I HAD LEFT! YOU WERE THE ONLY PERSON I COULD TRUST IN THIS WHOLE DAMN WORLD!”

Col. Kane continues to insist that he’s the good guy here. It’s the League of Shadows, Kate! They’re a-comin’! They’re already haunting my dreams! They keep stealing my underwear! Help! Help!

Kane informs the cooked goose that Batman informed the president, and now his covert military branch will be court-martialed. Prison time for you, daddy. I hope you like bread and water.

Suddenly, there’s another message over the comm:

Sounds like some tough talk. Who’s getting the spanking now??

Col. Kane turns to Ulysses, who is still crying softly about Red Robin winning this battle. Kane tells him to just leave him to die once the drones catch up with him. Ulysses shows the footage of the military boarding their vessel. “Dammit…” says Kane. “Activate the Black Flight Protocol.”

B-but sir! That’s an experimental weapon of candy-coated—JUST DO IT!

“You’re really going to fight the military?” Kate asks. “Are you that far gone?” And Col. Kane says no, of course not. They’re going to teleport to the Shadow base far from Gotham. Didn’t guess that one, did you, smartypants?

Before they leave, Col. Kane tells his daughter that he’s proud of her. But if she’s not going to help fight, then get the fuck off the ship. “You first,” she growls.

Then she fucking plows him through the window, sending them both plummeting to the ground below. …but they land of the roof of a building and neither of them die. They both get up, and Col. Kane merely tells his daughter that she shouldn’t have done that. She fists his jaw again, really gets up in there.

“Batwoman to Batman,” she radios. “I have Jacob Kane in my custody. What’s happening?”

“Nightwing’s trying to reach Midnighter to access door technology. But there’s nothing. I need you to get to Old Wayne Tower fast.”

“Batman, this is about to get much, much worse.”

Elsewhere, Red Robin… well…

Get up, pantywaist. Batman does take kindly to precious little whiny snowflakes.

Even though the kid is inches from death, Batman tells him to get to the belfry NOW! Red Robin is like *pant pant moan* because he broke about 45 ribs. And a leg. And his spleen. But otherwise he’s still alive with brain damage, so no more Ivy University for you, son.

Then Red Robin frowns. “Tell them I’m sorry. Tell them how much they all meant to me. Dick, Jason, Damian, Alfred… all of them. Thank you for everything, Bruce. Robin out.”

Batman says “TIM!” so loudly that the speech bubble fills the next seventeen pages.

Now Red Robin radios Spoiler to tell her that he loves her and also goodbye! *click*

Then the army of drones approaches our intrepid young idiot. Then they gun him down. Then the target is eliminated. Then the Mission is Complete. Everyone is shocked and sad for a multitude of panels, and I’m sure this is supposed to be a somber moment but we have more Detective Comics to fucking read here! Let’s get a move on!

“Nobody falls tonight”, huh? Good going, failure.

Batwoman arrives to the scene. Col. Kane is unconscious on the roof. What did she miss?!?

Batman’s looking forward to tearing Col. Kane a new butthole for all the damage that he has done. Maybe even two new buttholes if he’s angry enough.

Later, Spoiler goes somewhere alone to cry, but she’s only alone for three seconds before Batman shows up to SPOIL the aloneness, as it were. “The others are taking care of the scene,” he says sadly. “You weren’t on your comms. I wanted to make sure you were safe.”

Yeah, she’s safe. Go away.

“Tim saved hundreds of lives tonight, Stephanie. He put the world before himself, like he always did. Like the greatest heroes always do. He’ll be remembered for it.”

Sounds great. Go away.

“He chose this life, Stephanie. We all did. We know what the cost can be…”

Why don’t you go away? Jesus.

Stephanie takes out Tim’s acceptance letter to Ivy University and shows it to him. Batman’s eyes get wider than I thought his cowl would allow! He drops the letter to the floor, and now both he and Stephanie are silent. Lost in their sadness.

And Batman finally goes away.

But not before a really big, tender hug.

…

But here’s the thing. Red Robin isn’t dead.

You’re in the Matrix, kid.

A mysterious, hooded figure emerges out of the blue light. All these comics always end up with some mysterious hooded figure eventually, don’t they? “Mister Drake,” says the figure. “What a pleasure to have you join us.”

Red Robin wonders if he’s dead, but far from it! He’s never been more alive! And he’s locked in a glass prison. He tries punching. It doesn’t work. “TELL ME WHERE I AM.”

“You were reconnecting threads that could not be reconnected. You’re so loved, so deeply intertwined. It became crucial that we take you off the field. And that’s where you are, Tim. Off the field.”

Red Robin doesn’t like this shit one bit. He tells Mr. Hood to let him out now or he’ll sorely regret it. “My friends will come for me, just you wait. MY FRIENDS WILL COME.”

He’s alone now. Alone in a glass case. No one is there. Everyone thinks he’s dead. No one’s coming for him.

lol

Final Thoughts

Exciting! It makes me actually want to read the next story!

Ha. In about three years. Bye everyone.