Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Nightwing (Vol. 4), Issue #1 – “Better Than Batman (Part 1)”!

Dick Grayson sucks. I’m only reading this because it ties into a crossover event. Let’s get it fucking over with already.

Nightwing (Vol. 4), Issue #1 [September, 2016]
Written by: Tim Seeley
“Better Than Batman (Part 1)”

Welcome to Cimitirul Central in the heart of Cluj-Napoca, Romania! Where all the action is! A corpse-looking couple – a man and a woman – are digging in a graveyard looking for something thus far unknown for a man named Dr. Leviticus. “Have you found it, Padurar?” asks the woman. Padurar says “Hrm. Gllrgh.” This translates to “my butt is wet”.

The two uncover a cask of coins! Real Romanian coins, pricelessly valued at $4.17. The woman is actually not dead, but she’s so old that she looks dead. The man is dead. You can tell because he said “gllrgh”.

Suddenly, some thrown object pierces Mr. Gllrgh’s eyeball, scaring the shit out of the woman. A man with a weird mechanical gauntlet apparatus punches within an inch of the woman’s face. “I call this Suyolak,” he says of the gauntlet. “As a fellow tinkerer, I’m sure you’re impressed.”

In short, the woman is getting threatened. She holds her hands up in the universal motion of “I begrudgingly surrender” and asks the man if he even knows who she is. He doesn’t want her money, by the way. He’s already getting paid. “What I want is to dig up the past. And if I don’t get it… it’s you who’ll get buried.”

Welcome to Teatro Regio di Torino in the heart of Turin, Italy! Where none of the action is! There’s a Cirque du Soleil event happening in the theater, and since our hero Nightwing did a lot of flipping and flopping back in the day as part of the “Flying Graysons”, he’s the star attraction of the big event! He catches the reading audience up on how he does fantastic acrobatics, and this worked well as Robin once. Batman liked to watch the boy do cartwheels.

BLEEP BLORP I AM FROM THE PLANET REPTILON

For some reason, a gibberish-speaking man in an orange lizard costume draws a knife and intends to kill a few people in the good seats. Good thing Nightwing, that sexy little beast, flings toward the crowd and stops the lunatic. By the way, Nightwing is looking to repay an old debt. He owes his mom and dad to at least stop bad guys doing provocative flips and spins. He owes Bruce Wayne for adopting him illegally and holding him hostage for all those years, making him dance around in a Robin costume. “I’m glad I grew up in a circus. Because sometimes I still have to put on a show.”

After stopping the dumbass in the animal costume, Nightwing puts a leg up seductively and addresses the lovely Representative Manfred. “The Parliament of Owls sends its regards,” he says an inch from her nose. A can of mace would come in handy right now.

Welcome to Chania, Crete, Greece! Where only a little bit of the action is! “Tonight’s performance involves me working for an international offshoot of Gotham’s Court of Owls. They think they got me by the short hairs after they threatened Robin’s life. Little do they know I’m flipping the script, getting in close so I can get the dirt on their filthy rich plans and take them down.” You spry fox! Godspeed! Huzzah!

Nightwing pulls open the enormous doors of a… building, I guess. I vaguely remember this shit from the New 52 Batman, but since that was four years ago I’m not going to remember any of it. Tryin’ to roll with it here. “Gray Son of Gotham,” says the man waiting inside the building. The wall is covered with owl portraits. “We would have words with you. I call this Council of the Parliament to order.”

Basically, stop being a goody-goody and kick some real ass for us.

Whatever you say, hoss. He’s wearing a metal owlish mask to hide what we may eventually find out to be a beautiful, manly face. He’s mad that Nightwing is still out there being an altruistic superhero instead of giving his life to the covenant. ANYWAY, the Dubai Owls were almost robbed by a guy who calls himself Raptor. The Owls were impressed by this guy’s cunning and Swiss army knife skills, so they guaranteed a healthy sum in order to hire him for their own purposes. He’s great, man, this Raptor. Partner up with this guy, Nightwing. You could learn a thing or two about not being a weenie. “You will steal. You will kill. For us.”

Grayson reminds Mr. Owl-Face that he was forced into this cult and he’ll never be one of them. He’ll do things his own way, if that means baking the enemy some cookies, then so be it.

Welcome to Wayne Manor! Where there is so little action that I’m sawing my dick off out of boredom! Nightwing visits the old stomping grounds and watches Batman and Robin rasslin’. The winged one is teaching Damian Wayne, his evil little Hellspawn of a son, how to fight like a big, burly man. But little Robin is having trouble.

“Damian!” yells Nightwing. “Batman always dodges left and hits right! Watch his right!”

Batman turns his head. “I thought I was the teacher here, Dick,” he says, calling his old ward a dick.

Take that, assfuck! USA! USA! USA!

Nightwing has to help Batman up because his son socked him so hard that he now has irreversible brain damage. Little Robin fistpumps. Batman gives him five minutes before resuming their kickboxing session.

“Anyway, they want me to shadow a guy named ‘Raptor’,” Nightwing tells his old mentor. “Apparently, he’s better at toeing the company line. On one hand, I can probably buy some time if I work with him. But I also might spend more time ducking him than finding out ways to expose the owls’ wrinkly jowls. What do you think, Bruce?”

Bruce is drooling like a braindead vegetable. Robin has severed Bruce’s brain stem into two pieces.

“I think, Dick, that you should stop asking me questions,” Bruce growls. I’m guessing these two have some tense recent history. Bruce points out Nightwing’s insistence that he wants to do things “his own way”, so Bruce is like “Fine. Do things your own way. Fuck off, kid.” It’s understandable that Bruce doesn’t want to help him one bit! In fact, he should shove him into a hole.

In short, Bruce trusts Dick to make his own decisions. “I’m not your teacher anymore,” he says. He has his hands full with poopypants Damian anyway. Now where’s that hole?

Dick grumbles and takes his leave. He needs to visit Barbara Gordon (aka Batgirl) right now anyway to a) chat, and b) probably fuck. He shows up on the Burnside Bridge in a nice button-down with a sport coat. Batgirl is dressed like Batgirl, and she doesn’t have time for Dick’s shenanigans. She had no idea that this wasn’t going to be superhero stuff! “I should go change,” she says, embarrassed. Dick says it’s ok, he just wanted to see her before he went to Russia to be an international spy! Batgirl is like “ugggghhhh, not again”.

Remember that time we 69ed hanging from a rope from a helicopter piloted by no one?? Fun times, huh?

Batgirl tells Dick that he’s a stupid asshole and that he should be more careful. This job sounds dangerous and Putin’s going to shove him out of a window. In Gotham, there are plenty of friends to protect him. In Russia, Dick might get kidnapped and sold as a mail-order bride!

“There’s no way Batman is ok with this,” says Batgirl.

“He’s helping me out. He’s totally ok with it. Almost too ok with it.”

Batgirl picks up a transmission on her headgear police scanner. Some mook named Spinebender just robbed a convenience store. Superhero time after all! And they cavort and enjoy their last night together before Dick gets murdered in Pereslavl-Zalessky near Lake Pleshcheyevo.

In Moscow at night, Nightwing crouches near a wall in the Muzeon Park of Arts holding a nesting doll with Barbara’s name on it. A souvenir for if he comes back to Gotham City without getting killed.

While Nightwing smiles at the doll, his buddy Raptor shows up to make fun of his cracker ass. Nightwing makes a proctology joke. They’re already hitting it off quite nicely. “I told the Parliament I’m working this case alone,” Nightwing whines at Raptor. “Nothing personal, but I’ve already had some of the best partners a guy can have.”

Raptor kicks this shithead in the back so hard that Dick cracks the wall. “Who’s Barbara? Is she why you aren’t doing your job? You don’t want to disappoint her?”

Nightwing lies dying on the ground while Raptor continues throwing shade. Now it’s Nightwing’s turn to attack, and pretty soon these two are having a cute little tussle. Raptor calls Nightwing a flailing puppet. Nightwing pretends to be crying and sad.

Did Bruce show you where the clitoris is, Nightwing? Bruce knows where all of them are.

“Did your old mentor teach you to be a pining, impotent virgin who can’t stop thinking about ‘Barbara’?” Raptor says while punching Nightwing in the gut. I’m laughing at this while Nightwing has nothing to say other than “Shut up!” NNNNNGGGGHHHHH!!!!

Raptor extends his gauntlet, Suyolak, and blasts a plume of purple smoke, incapacitating Nightwing one more time before he gets cracked across the face. “You need to sit down, shut up, and listen. You need a new partner. A better mentor. Because everything Batman taught you is wrong.”

Nightwing grits his teeth on the ground while Raptor stands triumphantly. He’ll show him who taught him wrong!

Er…

Final Thoughts

Hell yeah, I can already tell this guy actually is better than Batman. It’s painfully obvious to me, and if you think Batman is better than Raptor then you can eat my oversized novelty hat.