Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Nightwing (Vol. 4), Issue #4 – “Better Than Batman (Part 4)”! In the previous installment, Nightwing, Raptor, and Batgirl infiltrate a Norwegian man named Knute Ruud’s labyrinthian house in order to steal a blueprint that the Parliament of Owls wants destroyed. Thinking Nightwing is betraying Raptor by planning to steal it and keep it, Raptor surprises him by also stealing it to keep it. This upsets Batgirl, though, because conniving trickery isn’t the Batman way!

Afterward, Nightwing and Raptor visit Dr. Leviticus who is supposed to be dead and buried in Romania. This part isn’t particularly interesting to me, but we’ll see what comes of it anyway whether I like it or not.

Nightwing (Vol. 4), Issue #4 [November, 2016]
Written by: Tim Seeley
“Better Than Batman (Part 4)”

So Nightwing and Raptor are talking to the old woman who was digging up Dr. Leviticus in Issue #1. The Book of Wisdom is this really cool book that has allowed her to cure death, again, and “lactose intolerance”.

She brought Leviticus back using an alloy she calls “Electrum”, which the Owls used to make the first money. There’s something about an etched coin that stores a ledger, “Now those ungrateful bourgeois bird-boys want poor Dr. Leviticus dead. Well, deader.” The old woman offers Nightwing a copy of the Book of Wisdom. Now he just needs coins. In return, the old woman seeks sanctuary from the Owls.

I don’t know what the fuck is happening.

Fast forward to some other time, I guess. Mr. Owl Mask has brought Raptor and Nightwing to Parliament Grove where the Owls have gathered to celebrate the birth of their new nation. Luckily, they have all those rescued slaves to act as blood sacrifices, no? Nightwing grimaces and scowls and looks like his tummy hurts. “The festivities begin in the morning,” says Owl Man. ”In the meantime, please eat, drink, and indulge. You’re free of the mask of moral obligations here, and affluence is the only law. Unleash the beast within you.”

Nightwing recognizes this ploy as further effort to get him to descend deeper into the dark side. Well it’s not going to – hey! Hors d’oeuvres!

Nightwing sees a particularly wretched-looking child peer outside his cage with huge fucking, sad eyeballs. That tears it! Nightwing is done playing the long game. Action happens tonight, gawddamnit!

Nightwing and Raptor save the day again by setting a bunch of poor people free, only for them to be caught again a few minutes later.

Mr. Owl Man is the Orator, which I either already knew or didn’t know at all! He is awakened by a knock on the door of his lavish suite by two other Owls. They’re here to rat out Nightwing and Raptor. “Even with as much wine as I’ve had, I’m pretty sure I saw them let the rats out of their cage, Orator.”

Does anyone else know? No? GOOD. “Such a gaffe could hurt my standing with the Parliament, and that would be unfortunate… especially since I was so recently promoted from Orator… …to GOD.”

It’s like, whut man? The Orator suddenly turns into the wild beast that you can see on the cover and he tears down the two informants. Seems rude, but who am I to judge Owl Morals?

Meanwhile, Nightwing and Raptor are leading the captured down a maze of corridors and hallways. No headway is being made. Raptor hears someone coming, so Nightwing gives a map to the oldest-looking captive and says “SIR, PLEASE LEAD THESE PEOPLE OUT OF HERE.” Trust the superheroes; they’re always so buff and flawless in their stance and approach! Not to mention dashing.

So the old man bumbles through the maze while the Gruesome Duo prepares themselves for an inevitable brawl. Raptor prepares his spiky gauntlet. Nightwing readies his cute little sticks.

“Your innocence was to be a sacrifice to Moloch, Nightwing,” says Orator God Owl Man. “To show you could be bought. Just as anything could be bought.” He slashes Raptor out of the way with a mighty clawed hand. “But it’s still a sacrifice of innocence if you die in Moloch’s hands…” he continues as Nightwing flips around the room a bit. “Like so many children before you. Like your young Robin.” He dashes toward Nightwing. “The sound of his exploding head will be a choral hymn to the Parliament.”

Chatty chatty. Nightwing likes what he hears. In fact, he was betting on it the entire time! That cash and a family name would be all that is important to the Owls. He throws a stick into Orator God’s head, which ricochets off the wall and bounces back to the other side of Orator God’s head. He mocks the Orator for thinking a penniless circus performer could be bought. Ha ha! Buy this! *moons*

OK, that’s fine. The Orator will kill Nightwing and Raptor, bring them back from the dead, and pull the strings that way. Sound good?

HUK. GUH!

Raptor slashes across Orator’s face, and he cries out with pain. After helping Nightwing up, he tells the lad that he laced his claws with shark attractant. Since the Orator’s body has been conditioned to assimilate animal DNA (?), he is now a fish who will have trouble breathing the air. A perfect solution! Now where’s the Book of Wisdom?

They round the corner and find it right away. Literally. It’s in a gold box sitting on the lap of a grand statue surrounded by candles. “This is it,” Nightwing says, grabbing the box. “This is the nail in the Parliament’s coffin.”

DIDN’T YOU WATCH INDIANA JONES? YOU NEED TO REPLACE IT WITH SOMETHING HEAVY. WATCH OUT FOR THE BOULDER! Ugh.

Raptor is starting to lose some steam after getting injured by Orator Moloch Whatever. He’s bleeding out, which is the farthest thing from “good”. He collapses before he can get half a pint of blood out of Suyolak. Nightwing is like “Don’t die on me, man. We’re circus bros! I know this because ‘Suyolak’ is a Romani legend, and you knew tarot. Circus man! Circus man!”

Raptor admits it. “I was the man who felt no pain. T-they called me… ‘Mr. Numb’.”

Well, Mr. Numb is about to become Mr. Corpse. The two of them bond over circus things like elephants and rapey clowns, but the party is once again ruined by the big mean Orator Beast. “…I’M GOING TO MAKE YOU INTO ONE OF US, GRAY SON OF GOTHAM!” he shrieks, lookin’ 40 feet tall. “I’ll fill you with Owl’s blood, to dilute the peasant poison that fills your veins!”

Fun fact: Theseus slayed both the Minotaur and Jesus!

Time for a little bit of maze runnin’. I don’t know how and why Raptor is suddenly spry, but it’s probably for plot hole reasons! After running through the labyrinth for approximately nine seconds, they find an emergency exit. Long game concluded! Woop woop!

This is the part where the mentor has been surpassed by the protege. Raptor’s goose is cooked. “I’m not like you, Nightwing. You stayed in the light.” He hands Nightwing the Box o’ Wisdom Book and tells him to skedaddle. Nightwing gibbers. Then Raptor pushes him through the door, which actually leads to the side of a rock cliff. “Your mom was right about you,” Raptor says as Nightwing falls and falls and falls.

But then he catches the Raptor drone, and he sees Old Man Captive on a boat with the rest of the rescued. Nightwing lands safely onto the boat, all like “hell yeah”. The wretched little kid with the giant eyeballs calls him a superhero. I puke a little bit in my mouth.

Later, Dick Grayson returns to Wayne Manor to give Robin a little noogie. The two of them discuss Albert peeing his pants (literally) before Batman tells the lad to run off so he can speak to Grayson alone.

The mission was a success! Books of Wisdom and the police will find out all about the Owls and also Parliament Grove has been seized, all in time for our Lunchables meal!

“I spoke to Batgirl,” Batman says gravely. “She told me about this… Raptor.”

Oh geez, dad. Butt out. Nightwing did things his way. Cut him some fucking slack.

“You let Raptor walk,” Batman scolds. “He stole millions of dollars, Dick. We have informants. We work with criminals when we need to. But when we’re done, they face justice. We need their fear, not their trust.”

Grayson tells him to fucking cork it. Batman doesn’t trust anyone anyway. Not even Grayson. He calls the Bat Guy out for not being able to walk the line between light and dark. “Because you know that if you stepped over for even a second… you’d never come back. I’m not you, Bruce. And I have you to thank for that.”

Batman just stands there dumbly. This isn’t his comic, after all. Nightwing gets the win.

EPILOGUE! Raptor faces a Cleopatra-looking woman named Lady Eve and tells her that he made a replica of the Book of Wisdom. “Every time they get a name,” he says, referring to Spyral’s original copy, “so do you.”

Excellent. Raptor smiles fiendishly. He is offered his compensation in gold. “And what about Nightwing?” Lady Eve asks. Raptor palms some of the gold. “What will you do when he discovers your deception?”

Raptor grins. “Don’t worry your pretty head. I’ve got that kid wrapped around my finger.”

Final Thoughts

Not a masterpiece, but I liked this more than I expected to. I liked it enough to want to continue with it, I suppose. Congratulations on your Dick moves, Grayson.