Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Green Lantern (Vol. 4), Issue #7 – “A Perfect Life (Part 1)”! The previous storyline had a whole bunch of crazy crap going on: Manhunters and dudes with giant heads and man-sharks and Black Hands and Hal Jordan coming to terms with being alive again. It’s a mess!

In short, Hector Hammond — the big-headed dude – well, you see, some German gremlins messed with his brain and now he’s freer than he had been before! Whatever that means. We may see it in this issue, we may not. I’m thinking we’ll just see Hal order a pizza and get super pissed that they forgot the mushrooms. That would certainly be more entertaining.

Green Lantern (Vol. 4), Issue #7 [February, 2006]
Written by: Geoff Johns
“A Perfect Life (Part 1)”

PIQUA, OHIO

“Did you see that, Dad?” A little brat is looking at the moon with his hillbilly father. The moon has a very dark spot in the center, as if there was a giant explosion there. In fact, there was. Dad heard about it on the ol’ tee-vee. “They say the Justice League’s watchtower blew up.”

While these two stare up at the nighttime moon, a giant BOOM rattles the land. A big, buff robot alien dude smolders while another big, buff robot alien dude stands grimacing and holding an orb of sorts. “He died on this planet. A primitive system he became obsessed with. I do not try to understand why. But if he deemed Earth worth conquering, then it shall be done.” The dad and the son stare in abject horror as the big, buff robot alien dude walks away, mumbling about mercy and whatnot.

COAST CITY. Or “Ghost City”, rather, because people keep moving out. Construction workers are placing giant beams on top of other beams. A beam snaps off the crane, breaking through other beams and sending a worker flying to the ground. He is saved by a green arrow, presumably shot by a Green Arrow-type person, which snags his pants and plants him against some concrete, saving his ass.

Green Arrow and Hal Jordan strike heroic poses.

“I can’t believe you’re living here, Hal,” says Green Arrow as Jordan works on fixing the construction site. Why wouldn’t he live here? Friendly no-people. Clear of smog. It’s got everything he wants!

“Weren’t you always telling me overpopulation was a problem, Ollie?” says Hal. A real cut-up, this guy. Green Arrow just doesn’t understand. “You’re back after years of being away, you finally got your freedom again – and the first two things you do are set up watch over rebuilding a city you still blame yourself for… and worse… you join the damn Air Force.”

What are you saying, Green Arrow? That Hal should take a break for a few days, sit on his ass, and catch up on episodes of The Wire. I agree! But Hal doesn’t want to do that shit.

John Stewart shows via hologram to report the goings-on at Oa. “I can’t charge my ring without elbowing a new recruit.” Plus, they have captured Despero, a big, mean, pink alien who is jacked like every other big, mean alien in this comic book. He’s in a cage, and Guy Gardner keeps poking him with a stick because “it’s fun”.

“Initiating download to central power battery,” says Hal’s ring. “Case file: Despero.”

When Hal tells Green Arrow that the rings automatically collect evidence for prosecution. Green Arrow likens that to cameras on cop cars.

Are you implying that I might be jerking off while wearing the ring, good sir? Because that’s part of the agreement.

“The only ones paranoid about Big Brother watching, Ollie – are the guys doing something wrong.”

Guy Gardner catches wind of John Stewart talking to Hal Jordan via fancy-ass hologram technology. He asks John Stewart to give him shit for not being able to take on Despero by himself. “Looks like Mister Iron is still a little rusty,” he sneers. “So what’s the deal, Jordan? You goin’ soft on us since you been reborn, or did Green Arrow make you sensitive to the plight of poor illegal aliens–?”

Hal tells his ring to put Guy Gardner on the ignore list, which impresses even Green Arrow. “Wow. Useful.”

Anyway, Stewart spoke with Superman. He has no idea where J’onn is or who blew up the watchtower, so he’s not so super after all, is he? Also, Superman, Wonder Woman, and Batman had a run-in with Mongul. I remember that guy! Superman fought him once while Mongul was like “MONGUL WANT BLOOD”.

“Mongul?” Jordan says with gritted teeth. “He’s in our sector? Where?”

“Superman said there was a fight. Mongul grabbed something from what was left of the trophy room… then he escaped.”

“Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman were there… and he escaped?”

Well… heh heh… uhm…

Listen, Hal. John Stewart managed to upload the coordinates that he jumped to before the teleportation system went kablooie. Jordan flies away into space, leaving Green Arrow in the dust! Fuck that treehugger!

Meanwhile, in Sector 2811, the Cygnus star system, planet Debstam IV, the home of the big, buff robot alien dudes, a big stone structure that seems to serve as the quarters of some sort of leader has an empty throne with skulls littered around it.

“He hopes to take Earth for himself,” says one mysterious individual.

“Hope is his weakness,” says another mysterious individual.

“Family has been mine,” says the first mysterious individual.

Anyway, somehow Green Arrow followed Jordan through space. He’s telling Jordan to slow the fuck down, but he will never slow the fuck down. Mongul is the reason Hal Jordan’s life fell apart, you see. He was the one who destroyed Coast City! He was the one who murdered millions of people. Green Arrow reminds him that it’s Mongul’s son they want. “Him and his sister showed up while you were gone,” Arrow says with egregiously poor grammar. Hal Jordan can’t allow this jerk to terrorize anyone else.

My little shit likes that trick you do where you pretend to pull the thumb off your hand. It would make his day.

Jim Jordan (Hal’s brother, not the asshole in congress) gives Hal a ringy-dingy from a landline. He’s got some not-at-all-important stuff to say about his son’s tenth birthday and since his class has about three people in it, no one is coming to his party. “He could use his uncle–”

“I’ll do my best to be there,” Hal says, flying further into goddamn space, trillions of miles from Earth and Jim’s son. “Parties aren’t on the top of my priority list right now.”

That’s some good uncling. Even Green Arrow gives him the business about it, but Jordan promises to make up for it by taking the little kid to the finest strip club in town.

I see what’s happening here now. Hal Jordan is towing Green Arrow in some sort of beam, dragging his ass along with him on an adventure he didn’t ask for. They finally land back on Earth in Ohio on the farm that is growing these weird, giant, pointy flowers. There are dead cows on the grass with these weird, giant, pointy flowers wrapped around them like chains. Hal does a ring scan on these mysterious plants. “Black Mercy Parasitic Plant. Point of origin: Space Sector 2811. Parasite feeds off host’s bio-electric aura until organism dies. Usually attaches itself to host with main roots while needle-like vines enter the skin and fuse with nervous system.”

Ugh, sounds pretty dreadful. Poor cows. Moo.

“Please centers of brain are flooded with nano-spores creating a lifelike fantasy in perfect conjunction with host’s desires,” the ring continues to report, “leaving it unaware of any danger. Approach with caution.”

That sounds pretty sweet, actually! Get me one of those death plants when I’m old and croaking in the cheap nursing home my kids shoved me in. Then it’s all blowjobs from 11 pretty ladies and a tub of Ben & Jerry’s.

Jordan now sees some plants wrapped around people. They are standing catatonic, staring up at the sky.

“They’re pathetic,” announces the big, buff robot alien dude, who pops into the panel to punch Hal Jordan and Green Arrow across their ugly mugs. Green Arrow goes flying into a water tower, bursting it open and flooding the land. Then he drags the wretched man to the field of death plants. “It only hurts at first. But it does hurt.”

Come into my lovely embrace, my pretty! Allow me to caress you with my heroin tongue! Enjoy my lovely narcotic death plant spit!

One of the plants wraps itself around Green Arrow and starts snapping at him with its teeth that it apparently has!

Hal Jordan punches the big, buff robot alien dude out of the way and conjures up a giant flamethrower to burn down the field of parasitic plants. The dude’s armor has been burned off, and it is revealed (to me, at least) that he’s actually Mongul’s son. That makes sense. His father died at the beginning of the issue. I get it now. Go me.

Anyway, Mongul’s son leaps on Jordan screaming with half his clothes in tatters. Green Arrow sends a barrage of conjured-up special Green Lantern arrows and pierces the dude’s flesh with ease and grace. Son of Mongul rages!

“What did you do to those people?” Jordan demands. “Why are you here?”

“To finish my father’s work…” Son of Mongul says. “To conquer Earth…”

“’Conquer Earth?’ You know if I had a nickel for every time I heard an alien say that I’d be rich agai–” Green Arrow gets cut off by Jordan, who tells him to stay back.

Like a dingus, Green Arrow gets wrapped up by a death plant again. Jordan blasts it with green energy while one wraps around his own leg. He laughs as he is protected by a green shield. “What’s this supposed to do? Tickle?”

Green Arrow’s son, for some reason knowing where his dad is, rides up to the farm in a car. Mom is having contractions! Get your ass home. Green Arrow is all but thrilled to get the hell out of this weird death trap.

Not pictured: Connor mowing them down with his car going 120mph.

“You two have a great ride back,” says Jordan. “I’m going to get this guy to Oa, take a spin back to Korugar. You call me as soon as that new kid of yours shows.”

Oh, I see. He has time for Green Arrow’s little spawn, but not enough time for his 10-year-old nephew. Shithead of the Year.

Chained up, Son of Mongul gets towed by Jordan as he flies to Oa. Everyone lives happily ever after!

Or so we all think…

Because all this time, Jordan and Green Arrow have been tied up by death plants. Living out some fake happy moments..

“No one lives a perfect life,” laughs Son of Mongul. “Not even you, Hal Jordan.”

Final Thoughts

Eep! How are the Green Team going to get out of this pickle! Hmm, pickles are also green. Is there a connection?? Find out in the next thrilling issue!