Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Captain Marvel (Vol. 7), Issue #2! In the previous installment, we see Carol Danvers go from Ms. Marvel to Captain Marvel, we get a brief description of her origins (SHOT WITH A NUCELO-BLASTO-MO-BEAM AND GOT MAR-VELL’S DNA IMPRINTED ON HER OWN), we get to see a flashback of when she met her hero, and how she just went to her funeral.

No real story has kicked off yet, but if it stays this introspective then at least we have something more artful on our hands than pictures of Captain America’s crotch flying in all of our faces, as usual.

Captain Marvel (Vol. 7), Issue #2 [October, 2012]
Written by: Kelly Sue DeConnick

We take a trip to Helen Cobb’s private hangar, where Carol Danvers shows Tracy Burke an airplane and also tells the woman that she has “old lady cancer”. I’m going to keep that one out of context.

“Tracy Burke, meet Helen Cobb’s T6. This is the plane she supposedly got 37k feet way back when.” The record is unverified because Cobb was delivering the plane to a Peruvian general who had her arrested on two counts of I-have-no-fucking-clue. But she was able to steal the plane back and fly it to America! Take that, Peru. USA! USA!

“A wealthy admirer bought the plane from the Peruvian for more than it was worth and had it repainted for Helen as a birthday gift. He liked her style.”

Burke wishes she could have known this Helen Cobb-like woman. “So… you gonna do it? We’ve got four days before I need to be back in New York for my surgery.”

Danvers says yes, she will do it. “It” being “prove that the plane can hit 37k feet” to maintain Cobb’s legacy. To make a long story short, she makes it! “Not bad. Now let’s see if I can’t do you one better…”

Danvers flies so high that the altimeter ices up. The windows get covered in frost. The wings get covered in ice. Instruments go out. Radio goes out. Stalling occurs. Danvers relays a mayday message, but no one can hear it.

The plane nosedives, and in real life Danvers would get ripped apart into a million teeny tiny little pieces. However, this is a comic book, so she’s going to figure out how to get out of it…

BUT SUDDENLY, like time has just phased, she finds herself sans plane in an unknown location. “Someone please tell me I didn’t crash Helen’s T6. I don’t see any wreckage…” What she does see are three Japanese soldiers ambushing her in the middle of the clearing. “Ha! Hiya, fellas,” Danvers says, holding her hands up, and the three army-men point their shooty guns at her.

They make her march forward, prodding her with their guns to keep her moving.

It’s me who calls the shots around here, cowboys! Someone get me a fucking coffee!

She tells the men that she’s trying to cooperate. She has misplaced her airplane, you see, and she’s tired. “You know what?” she tells them. “We’re just going to go see your boss and we’re going to get this whoooole thing straightened out…”

The men take her to an encampment full of tents and watchtowers. “Is this one of those islands that still thinks it’s World War II?” Danvers asks. She also asks if anyone speaks English and she is met with a “KYAPUTEN-AMERIKA NO ONNA! KISAMA WA HORYO DE ARU!”, so I’m going to say no. Also, someone throws a grenade at them, which Danvers handily whips back in the direction from whence it came. Or at least in the air above the direction from whence it came, killing nobody and disappointing everyone reading.

Out of nowhere, six very attractive women in fatigues with guns start shooting in all directions, asking Danvers (i.e. “you in the circus suit”) to put her head down. Danvers is starting to understand what’s going on here. I’m as lost as a little tiny itty bitty cute little dead kitten.

Two of the women break off while the rest continue running and gunning down the opposition! These two try to escort Carol “Captain” Marvel “Marvel” “Ms. Marvel” Danvers off the premises.

That’s right. Captain! As in, Captain Crunch. At ease, soldier, and grab a bowl.

Captain Marvel wonders what’s going on. Here’s what she’s told: “Why, you’re being rescued by Women’s Air Service Pilots Banshee Squad – Class of 1943!”

Fantastic. Time travel. You can’t punch or kick that. This is a job for Reed Richards or Tony Stark, America’s Most Smarty Men. “Protocols… I know we have Avengers time travel protocols… I just need to remember what they are. Don’t step on butterflies…? Something about butterflies.”

One woman named Mackie is shooting a tree for absolutely no discernible reason, which causes her squad leader to yell at her. She says she thought she saw something rustle in the bushes, so maybe it’s dinner! The leader tells her that the sun’s almost up and they have to make it back to base before the prowlers find them. So onward they march.

“What’s a ‘prowler’?” asks Captain Marvel.

“You don’t want to know,” responds one of the women. Her name is Daisy, and she wants to compliment Marvel on the “killer-diller” display with the grenade. Totally tops.

They are interrupted by an ominous hum. It looks like this:

Mmmmmm… donuts.

It’s the unmistakable hum of a prowler! Everyone, pretend to be statues! Wait, that won’t work! Arrgh!

“I can feel it before I can see it,” thinks Captain Marvel. “It’s like it’s breathing down my neck. I want to hit it so bad my fingers tingle. How much will showing my powers jack the timeline? What criteria am I even supposed to use to make this call?”

Behind her, an enormous pyramid-shaped aircraft hovers toward the ground and lands softly. Captain Marvel finds it vaguely familiar. The Women’s Air Service Pilots Banshee Squad (Class of 1943!) waste their collective bullets on the ship’s exterior. Daisy gets plowed right through the abdomen with a brilliant green laser shot. “Noooooo!” Captain Marvel yells as she picks the woman up and flies 15 feet in the air, drawing the unwanted attention of the rest of the squad. “You got some kind of rocket pack under there?” one says. Captain Marvel goes “wuh-oh” and tells the women to trust her. That always works, right?

At this point, she says “fuck it” and decides to throw caution to the wind. “Let’s rewrite some history, shall we?” she says as she flies toward the ship and starts blasting it with her concussive fire blasts that I suppose she is capable of doing. Man, I gotta brush up on all these superheroes’ powers.

Final Thoughts

I’m very much looking quite forward to seeing how history will be rewritten. Perhaps Hitler will gain control of Canada and Richard Nixon will be an extra papa in the Mamas and the Papas.