Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Captain Marvel (Vol. 7), Issue #3! In the previous installment, Captain Marvel found herself in tailspin so fucking fast that she time travelled back to the year 1943 smack dab in the middle of a war battle! She meets the Women’s Air Service Pilots Banshee Squad Class of 1943 and they are in the middle of kicking some ass until a UFO descends to the ground. Then Captain Marvel throws caution to the wind, doesn’t care about fucking up the timeline, and starts flying around and blasting the UFO.

If that sounds absolutely batfuck bonkers to you, then you’re in great company! Let’s keep going before I decide to think too hard about any of this.

Captain Marvel (Vol. 7), Issue #3 [October, 2012]
Written by: Kelly Sue DeConnick

Apparently, Captain Marvel fell onto a “mysterious island” off the coast of Peru, where World War II things are happening for some reason. The UFO is a “prowler” and it’s quite a formidable opponent! Nothing a bunch of punches and fists can’t make short work of, at any rate. After a fashion, Captain Marvel decides to not get gunned down by the thing. It’s all very exciting.

“Excited” isn’t exactly the word I’d use to describe the reaction of the Women’s Air Service Pilots Banshee Squad Class of 1943. “Stunned” or “hungry”, more like. But, they take this all in stride! Superheroes exist in his universe, after all. But the squad won’t let Captain Marvel go at it alone, so the one named Mackie starts blasting her chain gun all over the place while screaming “AAHHH!” It proves helpful!

Captain Marvel revs up for an ultra-punch, the kind that she hopes will scramble the prowler’s energy systems and send it crashing to the ground. Meanwhile, the squad just wastes bullets and runs around the prowler screaming and cussin’. This is, like, a quarter of the comic book so far.

The prowler gets hit with such a huge, concussive blast of Captain Marvel’s firepower that it speeds off in the opposite direction. “That’s it – run!” she taunts. “Run, you mother–!”

She doesn’t get to say “cunter” because this is a PG comic book, but you get the gist. One of the prowlers had crashed to the ground, so I guess there were two prowlers even though no panel had indicated as such so far. The squad attempts to find a hatch to open it before the other prowler comes back with a vengeance.

After opening the hatch, they discover some fool-ass surrendering Japanese guy. Not at all Kree or whatever alien ALF is. Just a dude.

Daisy! You gotta smack him with the other end so he bleeds more!

Once the pilot gets a blow to the head that would kill a real person in real life, Captain Marvel asks him if he speaks English. And instead of bleeding to death all over the place, he responds “…some.” Captain Marvel orders this mook to go back to his camp immediately and make sure all his men are fed and rested and geared up with their best equipment and best weapons and best vehicles and that they went potty and are ready to come back to this very spot. “Because when my gals and I hand you your asses – which we will most certainly do – I want you to know beyond any shadow of a doubt it could not have possibly gone any other way. Now go.”

The man slumps off dejectedly with a “yes, ma’am” face.

Night falls. The squad has discovered that the prowler is Kree technology. “How did Kree tech end up on a Japanese outpost in 1943?” Captain Marvel asks herself. “For that matter, how did I? What are the chances the two are unrelated?”

Captain Marvel tells the squad to get some shut-eye. They have a big day at the carnival tomorrow. No one is tired. Daisy asks Captain Marvel if she’s an alien. “Not like you think,” is the response. Her name is Carol Danvers. She was born in Boston. Her powers came later…

She goes over her origin story. She was working with an actual alien who was trying to protect Earth from a deadly alien weapon. Then when the explosion happened, this actual alien hugged her close for protection and then his actual alien DNA got imprinted onto her Boston DNA. She wishes that she could have saved him. “In my heart and in my head, I’m as human as you… it’s just my body that doesn’t know it. Does that make me less frightening?”

The squad thinks this is a frightening way to explains oneself. “Hell no.”

Next, Captain Marvel explains the Kree and how the prowler is Kree tech. They’re all fighting aliens! Isn’t that just wild and crazy?

Hit the bricks, Bijoux. Normal names only, like “Beth” or “Prudence” or “Cher”.

Anyway, it’s shut-eye time for sure now. A big day of possibly fighting that Japanese guy’s squad is coming. The next morning sees their arrival plus a small handful of prowlers, so the squad brings their A-game and starts fighting these bitches.

“The plan is for Jerri and me to handle the air battle with her in the commandeered prowler while Daisy and the girls hold off the troops on the ground. They have a two-to-one advantage… and they don’t stand a chance.”

A prowler shoots Captain Marvel point blank on the abdomen with a green laser blast that could level San Antonio, but she shakes it off like someone threw a rock at her leg. “I deserved that,” she says matter-of-factly. “Got cocky. Didn’t have my head in the game.”

Cockily, she sees the litany of prowlers destroyed on the ground and pats herself on the back for a job well done.

Then a fuckin’ GIANT prowler shows up!

And the issue is over already!

Final Thoughts

Well, that was a whole lot of nothing! See you next time.