Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Captain Marvel (Vol. 7), Issue #5! In the previous installment, Captain Marvel aids the Women’s Air Service Pilots Banshee Squad Class of 1943 (and that’s the last time I’ll say that) in destroying a giant eyeball made up for four Kree spaceships!

Once that’s over, Captain Marvel discovers her plane flying in the sky (likely piloted by her own self). When going up to investigate, she gets mysteriously transported to 1961 where she is now Helen Cobb’s new roommate.

Some real fucked up shit is going on and I’m not here for any of it! Keep both feet on the timeline, I always say.

Captain Marvel (Vol. 7), Issue #5 [December, 2012]
Written by: Kelly Sue DeConnick

Women’s Air Service Pilots Banshee Squad Class of 1943!

High up in the sky, back in 1961 when the sky was most beautiful, of course, a couple of jets are doing barrel rolls and flipamabouts. Carol Danvers tells Helen Cobb to stop having fun since this is serious goddamn business, but Cobb wants some style points, baby! Danvers thinks she’s putting incredible strain on herself with all the G-forces; she might pass out and die and get killed in the most horrific plane crash since Orville and Wilbur Wright skidded across the field that one time.

Cobb gives one last “WOOOO!” and goes off in an uncontrolled tailspin. Danvers tries to contact her, but Cobb doesn’t respond. “Dammit, Helen,” she thinks. Stupid Helen always goes into these uncontrolled tailspins. It’s her worst habit.

So now Danvers wracks her brains about what to do next. Eject herself and fly after the plane? Does she have time to catch her own plane once she catches Cobb’s? These are some real first-world superhero problems. I can barely choose which flavor coffee k-cup pod I want without going into a full-on panic attack.

Danvers is just about to help when Cobb pulls out of her tailspin. “Eat my dust, kitten! Yeeeee-haaawww!” What a fucking jerk, man. Making Danvers think she was going to die in the most horrific plane crash since I threw my paper airplane into the fireplace.

Later, at the Whiskey Tenor Flyers’ Club, Danvers gets to rub elbows with the legends from decades past. There’s Luthor Ford, previous owner who gave the place to Cobb in his will. There’s Jethro “Buttcheeks” McFadden, who slaps his ass to the tune of “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star” after his fifth drink. And who could forget Sex Ron?

Danvers accidentally, and suspiciously, says a little too much. She gets pulled aside by Cobb who asks who exactly she is. “You come outta nowhere. You’re better’n me and I ain’t never heard of you. So I’m askin’ again – Who. Are. You.”

I’m your worst nightmare. Remember that nightmare you had where all your teeth fell out while your first crush poured ketchup on your head in the school auditorium in front of 1,500 kids? I’m worse than that.

Cobb here makes a fair point. Danvers plays the “aw shucks, I’m just a big ol’ nobody” card, which Cobb isn’t taking. She draws a picture of the glowing metal horned helmet that Danvers found buried in the ground in 1943.

“You know what this is, Carol Danvers?”

“Where did you see this?”

“You tell me what it is first.”

“What makes you think I know?”

“What makes you think we have time for head games?”

“…It’s part of the machine that made me who I am.”

“Pfft. No machine makes you who you are.”

Cobb asks if Danvers is a spy. A filthy Russian commie bastard. Danvers plays the “aw shucks, I’m just from Boston” card, and then says more vague suspicious bullshit about possibly being from the future to help Cobb make history. Just then, someone drops a mug on the floor and it busts into 20 pieces. It’s a woman named Oklahoma, who just got off the phone. Her whole hand is bleeding. “The program. The girls’ astronaut program. They killed it. They killed us… The V.P. wouldn’t sign off. They’re sending us all home. It’s over.”

No men allowed, chief. Stop trying to help, you chauvinist pig. Why, I should snipe your dick off, son.

Cobb grits her pearly whites. “Like Hell it is,” she says before going to the V.P.’s office and shoving a pointy stick up his b-hole. She leaves the tavern and starts kicking her car. “We had a deal,” she says to Danvers. “Those lyin’ bastards were never going to let us go. They thought they could buy us off with a few hours in a jet. Like hell.” She pokes a finger at Danvers’ chest, who doesn’t seem too upset at all. This is nothing that can’t be straightened out with a plate of warm cookies and a b-hole stick.

The metal horned helmet thing, the thing that’s probably an airplane now that I think harder about it? Cobb had one of her own and she sold it in exchange for a shot at this whole astronaut’s program endeavor. “They stole it from me… And now I’m going to steal it back.”

Cobb jumps on her motorcycle and throws Danvers a helmet. Danvers wonders what she should do next, and chooses the option where she rides off with a crazy lady who wants to break into a NASA office and steal an artifact that may be causing her time jumps. Fuck yeah, let’s boogie.

Before long, they arrive at the NASA building. It’s late. It’s dark. The stroll into the main lobby of the central building like they own the damn place where they are immediately stopped by a security guard. He politely tells them that the offices are closed. Cobb punches him as hard as she can with brass knuckles.

A second security guard arrives, this one a fat man of the highest order. “You up there! Freeze!” he yells, pointing a gun at the women who are currently ascending the staircase to the second floor. The ladies book it to a lab where they “test all the robotics and components”, so you know for sure that the artifact is going to be there! “There’s gonna be a small army of security guards and police in here any minute,” Danvers says hurriedly as Cobb rifles through files and drawers.

Happy birthday, sir. I hope you like pound cake! Get it??

She finds it under a microscope, glowing. She grabs it and they run off, but Fat McGun is there to stop them again. “Freeze!” he screams, looking like Cliff from Cheers. Danvers elbows him and Cobb trips him to the floor. Then there are more security guards, so they leap from the rail to the first floor. Then there’s, like, a whole bunch of security guards, man. These girls are toast.

Danvers is back to a couple of options. She chooses the one where she rips off her street clothes, becomes Captain Marvel, and flies Cobb out of there. “So long, suckers!” Cobb yells, completely unphased by this weird woman who is suddenly clad in America colors and flying her high in the sky. “YEEEEEE-HAAAAWWW!” she hollers in big, bold, red letters.

Well, that certainly was fun! What’s next on the docket? Captain Marvel drops Cobb off at the Whiskey Tango Foxtrot’s House of Pancakes and Cobb immediately points an accusatory finger at her. “What the hell are you?” she asks. Another “aw shucks” moment, but it doesn’t hold much water this time. So she spills the beans: She’s Carol Danvers from the future! And furthermore, Donald Trump is president again and–

ZHHHHHHHHH. Danvers’ T6 flies two inches above their heads. Rather, it’s Cobb’s T6 and she wonders who the UNGODLY FUCK is flying her goddamn plane right now! “I am,” Danvers says matter-of-factly like it’s not the stupidest answer in the world to Cobb.

Danvers tries to get the artifact from Cobb. It’s corrupting the timeline and soon Jim Carrey will never be born! Cobb is not letting it go without a fight, of course.

Then they time travel! They show up in a cavern where an explosion is about to happen that will give Carol Danvers her powers. Front row seats! Let’s watch the action!

Final Thoughts

We’re gearing up for an exciting finale! Tune in next time to see Future Captain Marvel and ‘60s Helen Cobb get blown up forever and the role of Captain Marvel will be played by a young, saucy Bea Arthur.