Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Spider-Gwen (Vol. 1), Issue #1 – “Most Wanted (Part 1)”!

Admittedly, the Spider-Man glut of series and spinoffs has been my favorite to read so far in my meager 4-ish year comic book reading journey. I continue this journey by ruining this interest with Spider-Gwen! How exactly does Gwen Stacy, Peter Parker’s notable sexy distraction from Mary Jane Watson, become a Spider-Lady? Does Peter Parker anally fuck the powers into her? Ha! As if! Peter Parker won’t have sex until he’s 49 years old!

Anyway, sorry about that rude reference to butt sex for no reason. Let’s just get on with the show.

Spider-Gwen (Vol. 1), Issue #1 [April, 2015]
Written by: Jason Latour

“As a teenager, Gwen Stacy went to a demonstration on radioactivity and was bitten by a mutated spider. The bite transformed her, granting her amazing powers.”

GEE, THAT SOUNDS FAMILIAR, DOESN’T IT? We are treated to a “Previously…” page, which means I missed this happenstance completely. It’s completely indecipherable. I won’t even go into it. Her cop dad knows about her powers and that seems to be it so far. Who cares.

This is some of the most atrocious art I’ve ever seen. Kudos to artist Robbi Rodriguez for sucking shit out of a butt and smacking it on paper.

Anyway, a couple of goons are spraypainting on an anti-Spider-Woman billboard. The sound of the paint is “PISSSWISSSS”, and if you don’t mind, I gotta go take a pissswissss myself. An officer of the LAW climbs up the ladder to the billboard ready to punch a couple of kids to their bloody deaths. He says this: “That’s right, ya bums! Nowhere to run this time! Today I learn ya what bein’ from Yancy Street really means!” I’m shaken to my core. This guy means business.

Officer Meatsack is the least of the kids’ worries. A strange buzzard man perches himself on the billboard and hisses and rasps about Spider-Woman. He surrounds the air somehow with green smoke, which causes the kids and the cop to cough profusely.

“Why? Why do they fear the Spider-Woman?” Buzzard Man asks. “For ‘killing’ the Parker boy?” The cop hangs onto a rail by his hands making suggestive grunting noises. “No,” Buzzard Man continues. “They hate her for how small – insignificant she’s made their lives. And so they look to you *motions toward the fat cop idiot* to protect them. To save them. Feh. Who needs saving? Who needs you?”

The cop prays for his life, but Buzzardy Buzzard (who is actually called the Vulture) pops some handcuffs on his wrists and flies away with the cop hanging onto his talons.

Things are really dumb so far and I doubt that it’ll get any better!

Meanwhile, Spider-Gwen fights a Hamburglar-lookin’ nerd named Bodega Bandit. It’s barely a fight. She throws him into a dumpster. Then she sits back with her phone waiting for a call from Spider-Woman. Mary Jane Watson calls, but she doesn’t pick up the phone. Then her dad calls, but she doesn’t pick up the phone. Spider-Gwen does not take calls, son. Spider-Gwen makes calls.

The cop, Officer Grimm, is in traction at the hospital. Finally, something funny!

They said he landed butthole first onto the pointiest rock in town.

Foggy Nelson is talking to Police-Cop-Captain-I-Think George Stacy, who is like “rrrrmmm hmmrrphhrrm we can’t have cops getting killed by vultures in this town!” Whiz-bang facial recognition software that sells your face to Russia has pegged the Vulture as Adrian T. Toomes. They’re going to nab that bastard after tea time. And speaking of Toomes, Foggy says, how’s the Spider-Woman situation?

The town has painted Spider-Woman as a complete menace to 1) society, and 2) everything else. But Stacy doesn’t agree; she saved his life once. He knocked a sandwich out of his hand before he could choke on it Mama Cass-style. The mayor doesn’t care though. The mayor wants Mama Cass killed. I mean, Spider-Woman. Yeah, that’s what I meant.

(Editor’s Note: Mama Cass actually died in 1974 of a heart attack because she was fat as shit.)

“You’ve been relieved of command of the special crimes task force, Captain. You’ll stay on in an advisory capacity helping me and the D.A.’s office until this Vulture thing is over… But your replacement has already been assigned… He’s reinterrogating that goon who attacked you at Gwen’s concert as we speak. Captain Frank Castle on the case.”

And sure enough, Captain Frank Castle is pummeling the fuck out of some large, mutated-looking doofus. “What’s your connection to Spider-Woman?” Castle asks, punching the guy in the stomach. The mutated-looking doofus is named Aleksei. Castle needs to know who ordered the hit on George Stacy. Aleksei doesn’t know. He gets pummeled further until he finally answers. “…King…Pin…”

Good boy.

Girls haven’t held axes like that since Lizzy Borden!

Elsewhere, Gwen is trying to bargain with the owner of the dollar store. You see, she found his cash register overflowing with cash that was stolen from him by, allegedly, Spider-Woman and the Bodega Bandit. Those two are in cahoots, I tells ya! “Ugh. Sure. Whatever,” grumbles Gwen. “Listen. I’m starving. Is there at least a reward or something?”

No reward.

The news talks about the newest marijuana-smoking music supergroup called the Mary Janes. The band had a run-in with “known villain” Spider-Woman! Here’s Mary Jane Watson with the scoop:

“So tell me, Mary Jane…” says the correspondent. “Were you ever scared for your life?”

“Truthfully? No. I’m mean – if we’d died up there on that stage… we’d have died for rock and roll.”

So now Mary Jane has her own band? Did I mention yet how utterly stupid this comic book is? I’m not at all impressed, Jason Latour. Not impressed.

The Mary Janes have a song called “Face It, Tiger” that has seen a 500% increase in downloads since this Spider-Woman incident. And because of turmoil within the band, Gwen Stacy might be quitting it forever. You see, she plays an instrument, too! She’s on bagpipes.

Gwen walks out of the dollar store with a sourpuss face.

The Mary Janes practice with a new drummer, but he sucks serious shit. They’re playing in an abandoned warehouse or something, I can’t tell. It’s definitely not a garage. Spider-Gwen stalks outside and peers through a window while MJ has a conniption fit about her dreams being ruined. And once she thinks it’s all over, a kid named Randy Roberston (rock and roll reporter!) tells them it’s only just beginning. Things are coming up aces and spades! Just ask Gwen back into the band, right? She can drum with the best of them. Neil Peart. Stewart Copeland. Ringo *checks notes* Starr.

MJ frowns and tells Randy that Gwen quit the band of her own accord. “What’s happening now happened in spite of her.” But one of her friends, one of the other band members, scowls at MJ and INFORMS her that Gwen quit because of her! “You don’t want Gwen. You don’t want anyone. All you want is attention. Well, you can have it. I’m done. Have fun going solo…”

Well, that’s a kick in the girl testicles. Spider-Gwen watches as the girl (Glory) shuffles away. Spider-Gwen then checks her voicemail on her iPhone 2. “Gwen. This is your father…” He needs his daughter to call him back, damnit! The roast is burning and he doesn’t know how to take it out of the oven! Also, J. Jonah Jameson is connecting the Vulture to Spider-Woman and he’s furiously plopping his dick on the keyboard writing about it as we speak.

Wait, corn dogs are involved? I’m in!

Spider-Gwen sees this as a chance for redemption. Go after Adrian “The Man, The Plan, The Vulture” Toomes, hand him over to the coppers, get the trust back from society at-large. Foolproof!

“So, what pushed you over the edge, Toomes?” she thinks. “Time was running out? You just wanted to feel special? Well, we’ll see what we can do about that.”

The city is covered with graffiti that says things like “Death from a Butt” and “Your Nest is a Hot Mess!” and “The Vulture Stinks” and “And You Read Turrible Comics”. Spider-Gwen did it. It’s just another dumb thing in a dumb comic book. The intent is to lure the Vulture by hurting his fragile pride. It’ll work because this is a dumb comic book.

Spider-Gwen moseys around the streets waiting for the Vulture to strike. Suddenly, her Spidey-Sense tingles! (Gwenny-Sense?) He’s coming. “Is this meant to prey on my vanity?” the Vulture asks, swooping down from the sky. “To wound my ego? Feh.”

Well, it worked, because he showed up, didn’t he? They fight a little bit; Spider-Gwen thwips him with web spooge right in the eyeballs. Youch! He cries in rage and fumbles with the webs while Spider-Gwen rubs it in his face, so to speak. After cleaning his eyes off, the Vulture charges at her.

Spider-Gwen is all like “This guy thinks he’s King of Shit. Well, guess what buddy? You’re King of Not Shit!” He’s just an old fart who thinks he’s still relevant. Well, not today. Not anymore. Spider-Gwen thwips him on the talons, but this just serves as a rope to drag her into the air with him.

I hate it when guys named the Vulture drag me hundreds of feet into the air. Really steams me up. Really grinds those gears.

The Vulture keeps flying higher and higher, scaring the bejeesus out of Spider-Gwen.

To be continued.

Final Thoughts

Christ, this is bad. I’ve read some bad comics, but this is already among some of the worst. And I’ve read comics where Superman goes to the Blorp Dimension to fight Grxxyxyxyyxyx the Mighty.