Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Batman (Vol. 3), Issue #7 – “Night of the Monster Men (Part 1)!”

Let’s get right into it! A crossover storyline that holds Batman (Vol. 3), Nightwing (Vol. 4), and Detective Comics (Vol. 1) hostage for a couple issues each!

This is apparently not to be confused with Batman and the Monster Men. That is reportedly about entirely different monster men.

Batman (Vol. 3), Issue #7 [November, 2016]
Written by: Steve Orlando / Tom King
“Night of the Monster Men (Part 1)”

Gotham City (naturally) at the Tolliver Memorial Morgue (sexy), a bunch of cadavers are laid out on respective tables. The sound of news radio permeates the room, reporting that HURRICANE MILTON is on its way to destroy Gotham City and everyone inside of it. People are advised to either get the fuck out or put your chairs on your roof for a really good show.

Suddenly… the cadavers start bleeding out of their heels with a FSSSS…

Like idiots, Batman, Batwoman, and Nightwing are out in the rain talking about how Tim Drake died of butt poisoning, but they still need all the help they can get to fight this hurricane. I recommend nuking it with a bomb! My Favorite President has said that once.

Batwoman reminds Batman that this is a natural disaster and saving everyone won’t be possible. Nightwing’s like “yeah”.

Batman says “fuck you, we’re saving everyone.” Nightwing scowls but doesn’t argue anymore. lol.

In a place called the Cauldron, a sweaty nude man with his sweaty nude butt showing is lifting weights. It’s Dr. Hugo Strange, and he’s fucking impossibly jacked. An assistant tells him that it’s “almost time”, and Strange smiles strangely. We cut to a shot of the cadavers hissing and leaking blood, growing these large, red pustules, deforming into something MONSTROUS and MEN-LY. Suddenly, their eyes open wide and red.

“This is Batman’s final night,” Strange says.

Elsewhere, Batman is trying to sell Jimmy Jam Gordon on using his officers to help with their cause. Gordon doesn’t want his men working with “fugitives”, which they are. That’s what they are. Fugitives. Batman argues that working together will send a message that cops and vigilantes can work in dick-sucking harmony to help make Gotham a safer place. Gordon flips off his phone.

“People need to see we’re all in this together,” Batman says. “No matter what uniform we wear.”

Great, you’re all here! It’s crucial that we all play Monopoly right now. I get the thimble!

Batman’s merry band of misfits congregates on the rooftops. “This is the situation,” Batman briefs as if no one here has heard of weather before. “Gotham will see flooding before morning. We’re evacuating the at-risk neighborhoods to the caves at Olsen Park. Floodwaters won’t reach there. GCPD will assist.”

Bomb all the buildings and leave no survivors. Got it. That’s one way to ensure the hurricane doesn’t kill anyone!

Batman assigns everyone their trivial duties. Clayface somehow splits off and morphs into a whole team of about 10 cops, informing Batman that he can only maintain this for a few hours before it all falls apart. They all go off running.

Suddenly, a KRACK BOOM rips through the air. You may think it’s merely lightning and thunder but fuck you for your assumptions. No, no, no, here’s what it is: a gigantic, heavily-deformed, squishy-looking monster! Batman gets Alfred on the horn for further analysis. Alfred tells Batman that it’s a monster! And Alfred has never seen a monster quite like this, and he’s looked at his own dick!

Batman’s like “shit” and decides that he needs to be where the monster is. He scoops up Nightwing and Batwoman and tells the rest of the team to shove off and go to IHOP or something. “No one dies tonight,” Batman tells his crew. He says that a lot, and every single time someone important dies. Count on it.

“Batman!” cries Batwoman. “You’re running off without proper recon. Do you even know how to fight monsters?”

“Of course, Kate. I’ve been doing it my entire life.”

*trombone fart*

Batman radios Alfred for more intel on how to stop this monster. Alfred doesn’t say “drive an airplane through it”, but hey, when in Rome!

Oh, the humanity!

Too bad it did no damage to the monster and about 100 damages to the batplane. It disintegrates into a million pieces, killing everyone aboard except its only occupant: Batman. He ejects out of his cute little capsule unharmed and extends some metal Bat-a-ma-Wings to fly around like a fucking hang glider. “Handles like a dream,” he says, swooshing around.

“You seem to be taking all this in stride, sir,” Alfred notices. Batman tells him he’s fine. More than fine. Alfred reminds him that it’s ok to be scared of monsters. And Batman? Batman says that being scared doesn’t save lives. What a martyr. Someone give him a participation trophy.

Some action sequences clog up my comic book. The monster throws Batman across the street. Then Batman flies around the beast, covering it in exhaust before ejecting from his wings and announcing “SELF-DESTRUCT” to no one in particular. A fiery explosion hits the monster in the face.

Meanwhile, a bunch of those Clayface cops are directing traffic. Probably right into the path of the Monster Man. Wouldn’t that be downright hilarious?

Citizens are filing into the caves in Olsen Park, scared about being safe and or their apartments getting flooded and destroyed. Spoiler says “don’t worry about it” and stops listening.

Batwoman looks at the now-unconscious monster and wonders who the hell could possibly cause such an entity? It must be someone really strong and bald. Anyway, with the beast subdued, Batman draws its fluid into an absolutely enormous syringe and sends it via thoughts and fairies to Alfred for analysis. Here’s the skinny: Heavily-modified cells. Supercharged, programmable stem cells. Human DNA, for sure. Let’s see. Uh. Allergic to peanuts. Oh yeah, his name is Robert Castro and he was last seen on a slab at the morgue.

Robert Castro, huh? Bob Castro? The guy who killed himself in front of Gordon?

Dramatic, but necessary.

The security footage gets fed into Batman’s smelly cowl. Nightwing asks him who the FUCK Robert Castro is, and he’s this one guy, you know? And Hugo Strange is connected, you can be damn sure of it.

A huge rumble washes over them, but it’s not thunder. It’s probably another damn monster. People are hustling through the streets all like “help!” and “no!” while the rumble gets louder and closer.

It’s another damn monster. Robert Castro was right. The monster men are cumming!

I mean, coming.

Final Thoughts

Hooo-weeee! There’s the beginning of Night of the Monster Men for you! It’s basically going to be a rehash of Batman and the Monster Men and, frankly, I’m not here for it! Boo! Make up new stories!