Nightwing (Vol. 4), Issue #5 – “Night of the Monster Men (Part 2)”

* Part 2 of 6 of the Night of the Monster Men storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Nightwing (Vol. 4), Issue #5 – “Night of the Monster Men (Part 2)!” In the previous installment of the Night of the Monster Men storyline, Hurricane Milton ravages Gotham City while Hurricane Hugo Strange’s Monster Men ravage Gotham City! That Hugo Strange is a wart on everyone’s ass and Batman can’t wait to get rid of him yet again.

Anyway, the monsters are very large and formidable. Expect every issue to be just monster man after monster man and oh look I’m yawning already.

Nightwing (Vol. 4), Issue #5 [November, 2016]
Written by: Steve Orlando / Tim Seeley
“Night of the Monster Men (Part 2)”

Bruce Wayne’s little ward Duke is in the the Batcave helping Alfred win Minesweeper. Duke doesn’t want to sit on the sidelines, he wants to be where the action is! Alfred slaps the dick out of Duke’s mouth and tells him that Batman needs him here where he can actually be useful. “You’ve just begun your training,” chides Alfred. “After losing Red Robin, he won’t put you in danger.”

Duke is salty and petulant, nevertheless. Gotham Girl, who is also hanging around the Batcave, is scared of monsters and hurricanes. I say bring it on! The more, the merrier! If they team up and sink Florida underwater I’ll be one happy guy!

In Gotham’s factory district, Nightwing watches a giant woolly dragon-looking thing tear through a factory like it was tissue paper from a butt. “GCPD is completely outgunned,” he gasps while Batman growls and tells him that GUNS aren’t part of the plan anyway. Batwoman expands the evacuation zone, noting that absolutely no one should be in the city right now. Not even 95-year-old Grumpy Gus Berenger who hasn’t left his house in 48 years.

“Nightwing, I need you at the morgue,” Batman says, leaping away in a manner that accentuates his groin. “Find where these things came from. And Hugo Strange.” Batwoman stays with Batman, which means we’ll be following Nightwing to the morgue because this is the Nightwing series after all. Just try not to bone the corpses no matter how sexy they may look, ok son?

At Olsen Park, where the evacuees are standing around in the rain with their thumbs up their asses, Clayface is still disguised as 20 cops, somehow. He’s told to expand the evacuation zone. Meanwhile, Batman and Batwoman try to flash lights at the dragon to addle and bedazzle it with limited success.

We want him to kill us, Nightwing. Our deaths are part of my exquisite plan!

Batman tells Duke to activate the Bat-Beacon, which means every lamppost in the city now shows a hologram of Batman telling everyone to not be afraid of all the terror in the city, please. Evacuate, though. Everything’s cool. “Stay strong. Stay calm. Trust me, as you have before.”

Everyone boggles at these holograms like they’re going to turn corporeal any second and start murdering people. A few more empty words and the holograms finish their shitty, pre-recorded messages.

Detective Harvey “Sandra” Bullock is at Olsen Park griping about the whole city showing up for safety. He wonders how many more people that Bat is going to send over, and since Gotham has a population of roughly 46 billion people, we’ve just started. “There’s no way we can evacuate the whole city in one night,” Bullock gripes. Spoiler tells him “yuh-huh”, and her rampant optimism makes Bullock’s taint itchy.

We’re not at the morgue yet! Batman and Batwoman try tying a giant rope around the beast’s neck in a snare trap. It works for about 45 milliseconds before the rope snaps and the building it was anchored to collapses in a heap. Whoops! A man falls to the street, but Nightwing swings down on his own rope to catch him. Instead of being applauded, Batman is like “I TOLD YOU TO GET YOUR SKINNY ASS TO THE MORGUE!” Nightwing ignores the howling man.

“You okay?” Nightwing asks the man whom he just saved. “Why didn’t you evacuate?”

“I’ve lived here for 50 years!” replies Grumpy Gus Berenger. He ain’t leaving for nothing, you masked jagoffs.

“GET TO THE MORGUE, YOU PIECE OF SHIT.” Batman is not happy. Nightwing tells him he’s doing his own thing and he can either like it or lump it.

Batman and Batwoman book it to what Batman calls “Tech Site Otranto-7″ where he’s storing some whiz-bang motorcycles! Two, in fact! Eat shit, Nightwing, you’re not invited to Sturgis this year. Get your dick to the morgue.

You’re rambling again, old man. And put down that cup of sperm, that’s not for you.

Finally, while Batman and Batwoman putter around town, Nightwing leaps over to the morgue. He requests Alfred’s progress on the biosample evaluation. “The monsters were once people,” Alfred says. “The cells use organic matter as a base medium. They overtake normal human tissue and rebuild it in their own image.”

Sounds good, pops. How does this help literally anyone? Go back to your harem, sir.

Meanwhile, on the streets, people who have not evacuated yet are panicking at the sight of the dragon monster! Batman shoots a strong net out of his motorcycle with a SPLORT, which pins the monster to the side of a building. This works for reasons I can’t fathom, so let’s see what’s going on again at Olsen Park while we wait for the monster to easily escape from it.

The park is full of screaming, hollering people yelling about where their babies are or where their dogs are and who farted. Fights are starting to break out in such close quarters. “We’ve been waiting here for hours!” yells a particularly bald man. “What’s happening outside?! What about our homes?!”

It’s like, shut up for two seconds while the superheroes do superhero things. But no, the crowd is starting to turn against them. They’re crowded and cramped and they want to watch Star Trek in their comfy, comfy homes. Riot!!

Dick’s at the morgue now, which has a few guards posted. He makes short work of the guards and reports to Duke that he’s Man of the Morgue now. Duke is still raving about wanting to be out of the Batcave to help, but even Nightwing tells Duke to cork the fuck up and stick to what Batman wants him to do. I mean, seriously, Duke. If you’re going to keep whining you’re going to… well, be the best Robin ever, actually. Keep up the good work.

Nightwing approaches the autopsy theater… ooooh, spooky! Oh shit! Hey, Alfred! Alfred, do you copy?? We’ve only seen two monsters, but there are four bodies missing from their tables! Warn Batman, and if you have time, everyone else!

“And make sure Bruce listens. There are two more monsters out there and we have no idea what they are.”

Nightwing sees tracks leading underground covered in fungus and algae. He also sees Jell-O with fruit inside.

Just like Aunt Lucy used to make for family reunions!

Alfred has cracked the Magic Death Registry. Robert Castro, Darcy Purnelli, Joseph Stucci, and Oleg Balinoff are the four missing corpses, which is something Alfred was able to find out for plot hole reasons. Oh man, Balinoff was the guy who tried to down that passenger jet and then he shot himself in the head! Castro slit his throat, obviously. The other two died in bombings during the “psycho-pirate debacle”, whatever that is. And Hugo Strange infiltrated Blackgate Penitentiary to get to Balinoff before he died! It’s all coming together like oil and water. For real.

Meanhile, Gotham Harbor is being attacked by the monster you can see on the Nightwing Issue #5 front cover! Some sort of bald, teeth monster with scythes for hands!

Nightwing makes his way to Blackgate Penitentiary so he can, I don’t know, look at whatever Balinoff’s monster looks like and run scared? No, not gonna happen. Nightwing instead lands on the roof of the Tech Site and waits for backup. Gotham Girl wants to help, but Duke tells her to make him a sandwich. Even Batman through the comms is like “GOTHAM GIRL, YOUR POWERS CAN KILL YOU! DON’T GET INVOLVED! AND I LIKE LETTUCE AND MAYO!”

Gotham Girl doesn’t listen. She leaves the cave and flies off to fight the good fight.

Oh, that’s it? OK, the issue’s over.