Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #941 – “Night of the Monster Men (Part 3)!” In the previous installment of the Night of the Monster Men storyline, Batman and Batwoman face off against a second monster while Nightwing learns that there are still two monsters out there to go. Against Batman’s wishes, Gotham Girl leaves the Batcave in pursuit of Monster #3.

So she’s going to die. Let’s get the fuck on with it, then.

Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #941 [November, 2016]
Written by: Steve Orland / James Tynion IV
“Night of the Monster Men (Part 3)”

In the Burnley District of Gotham City (the undisputed sexiest district), Batwoman pummels a two-headed monster in the mouth with her flying motorcycle. And, fuck, the monster didn’t even blink! She tries to put out an All-Points Bulletin (APB, as we say in the business), but her transmission is met with static.

Spoiler is trying to keep the evacuees happy, but there are about 700,000,000 people crammed into an area the size of a Dairy Queen, so tensions are high.

Nightwing reports that he’s still heading to Blackgate Penitentiary, and that Gotham Girl is a fucking lunatic. Over.

Alfred’s tie is undone, so you know he means business! The Batcave reports that they’re trying to counteract the isolated energy source of the bioenergy-fueled cell structure, whatever the fuck that means. I’m no scientitian.

Clayface, still disguised as about 14 cops, reports that he’s about to lose his sanity if he has to stick around as a bunch of different people for this long. Another neighborhood has been evacuated.

Gotham Girl is ordered to return to the Batcave, but she’s like “No way, Jose”. Again, she’s going to get herself killed like an idiot, and who will be around the clean up that mess? Fuck you, Gotham Girl. You’re a ninth wheel.

At Olsen Park, the evacuees are getting even further restless. “Who put you in charge, kid?” one of them says, pointing an ugly finger at Spoiler. A little boy is looking for his lesbian parents in the crowd and gets shoved by a jerk, so they all turn against him and rioting begins. I’m starting to think that evacuating a whole city was a dumbfuck idea in the first place. Survival of the fittest, I always say. I would be at home watching TV, personally. Let a monster try to suck the marrow out of my bones, ain’t nothin’ keeping me away from my Star Trek reruns.

Nightwing has made it to Blackgate before Gotham Girl. Batman whines to the kid that Gotham Girl is ignoring his direct Bat-like orders. If she’s around, no one is safe. Take her out at the knees!

She shows up anyway in all her shaved-headed glory, sending inmates and monsters flying in all directions.

GA-THOOM! I’M HERE TO HELP! WHAT’S THAT, YOU GOT CHUNKS OF CONCRETE IN YOUR EYEBALLS? HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT WAS MY FAULT??

Batwoman continues driving her motorcycle around town, observing that monsters are still terrorizing the city and that people are still roaming the streets. She doesn’t do much else other than that.

While a Clayface clone tries to convince more people to get the fuck out of the city, a big chunk of skyscraper starts falling to the street. He pushes a couple of dudes out of the way, and immediately starts dematerializing into sludgy goopy goop. The dudes are about to thank him, but after noticing his condition they’re like “AAAAHHHH, YOU’RE ONE OF THEM!!” And, in shaky, scary lettering, Clayface says “Just… a citizen of Gotham like… you” while his face melts all over the place making “splk spllrch sploorch” noises. Meanwhile, the actual monster grows another head and chaos continues to reign surpreme.

At Olsen Park, this red goop is splashed all over the crowd. I don’t know what it is or where it came from or why it’s there or what I’m reading or where my pants are, but it’s making the crowd unruly. “I said stay calm, people!” yells Spoiler. “Don’t let any more of that stuff touch you!”

Spoiler and Orphan try to fend off the crowd while simultaneously realizing that this was a terrible fucking idea. Even leaving it in the capable hands of the great men and women in the Gotham City Police Department (snicker) isn’t working. Spoiler tries to contact Batman and Batwoman to tell them that some weird red spooge is causing everyone to become violent, but she is met with radio silence.

WEEEE!! I GOT SOME AIR THAT TIME, MA!

Batman is flying around his own flying motorcycle. Or if it doesn’t fly, he must be taking some fricken sweet jumps. At any rate, he’s getting buttfrustrated because he can’t solve every problem simultaneously and quickly no matter how much he wants to, like a fucking psychopath.

Spoiler goes to a tunnel of the cave and thwips a big net around the opening so the 7 billion residents of Gotham can’t get through to strangle her. She assess the red murder sludge situation and deems it to be something that can be solved with fresh-cut grass. While she completely wastes time in that direction, Harvey Bullock sweats profusely while fending off Sludgy Citizen #475,584. He’s willing to try anything. Grass, kid? “Fresh-cut grass – it’s a smell to us. It’s also an airborne compound plants release to warn each other of danger. It’s how they communicate,” Spoiler explains. She keeps talking about plants communicating as one mind. This sludge is doing the same thing. Cut off the communication. Thanks for the idea, hot shot. How are we going to do it? Turn off the Wi-Fi?

Oh wait, here’s the bright idea: burn it with fire. Make it really hot in the caves with fire. Put dangerous, dangerous, fire near thousands of hair-having people. I’m so done with this stupid story.

ANYWAY, back to the story! Gotham Girl blasts eye-lasers at anything that moves within the penitentiary. “YOU THINK I’M AFRAID?!” she yells, terrorizing man and beast alike. Nightwing is like “you don’t know who I am, but I know who you are, and you’re hurting people, so stop it.” But guess what? Gotham Girl will never stop it.

She gets swarmed by these little lumpy black creatures while Nightwing bashes them against the wall as if they were little Cambodian children in the Killing Fields! Gotham Girl is so overrun that she plows through a concrete wall just to get them off of her! That’s where she discovers the Queen Lumpy Black Creature. It’s this ugly, bulbous lump with a weird skeleton-thing at the end of it. It goes “FFFFFFFRRRRR”.

“It’s you… giving birth to those things. Hurting people. You think you scare me? It’s always some monster. Psycho-pirate. Hugo Strange. Making my brother go mad. Making me afraid of what I can do. But not this time.”

Everyone let the crazy lady keep going until she gets tuckered out. Do not attempt to communicate or, like, you know, look in her direction.

Gotham Girl goes loco and rips the beast’s scythe arms off, then against Nightwing’s wishes, rips the whole body in half in a disgusting, gory mess. “Just like the pirate! You don’t deserve to exist! I’ll kill you! Do you hear?! I will kill you! Kill you!”

She starts to come to her senses while goody-two-shoes Nightwing looks positively flabbergasted at her atrocious behavior! The cell block is full of guts. She seems ashamed of herself. All these mutilated intestines are making me hungry, honestly.

“Let’s get you out of here,” Nightwing says to the shaking girl. Then, suddenly, all the red bloody sludge on them causes them both to convulse in pain. It seems to be taking a life of its own, seeping into their various orifices. Then, when they can’t hold in their rage any longer, they both turn into werewolf-y beasts! Rawr!

Everyone else is falling apart. Batwoman’s radio doesn’t work. Spoiler can’t hold on for much longer. Batman is losing traction on this stupid rope-thing he rigged up behind his motorcycle. Clayface is decomposing everywhere. Honestly, it looks like a bunch of dumbasses who dressed up in costumes pretending in a self-satisfied way to help the situation by barely doing anything. It all sucks so much dick.

Nightwing and Gotham Girl are going to seriously start fucking shit up now, by the way. They’ve become giant, stupid-looking monsters! Rawr!

Final Thoughts

Is this supposed to be exciting? This isn’t exciting. All I see is a gaggle of complete virgin losers trying to save a city from a threat that is completely out of their league. They’re using rope and nets, for fuck’s sake. Very mid stuff. And to think that this crossover was coordinated by, like, 45,000 people. Sad.