Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: Star Wars: The High Republic (Vol. 1), Issue #1 – “Trial by Ordeal”!

I’ve read Light of the Jedi! I’ve read The Rising Storm! I’ve read The Fallen Star! I’ve endured all that so you don’t have to, and logic dictates that the next course of action right now is to read some Star Wars: The High Republic comics. The one thing that I will appreciate is putting a species to a name. Every time they mention Twi’leks and Aloxians and Tholothians in the books I go “buhhhhh” and imagine humans anyway. Like, every single Jedi Master in my head is just Qui-Gon Jinn.

And why is it called the “High” Republic? Don’t ask, man.

Star Wars: The High Republic (Vol. 1), Issue #1 [March, 2021]
Written by: Cavan Scott
“Trial by Ordeal”

”The galaxy is at peace, ruled by the glorious Republic and protected by the noble and wise Jedi Knights. As a symbol of all that is good, the Republic is about to launch Starlight Beacon into the far reaches of the Outer Rim. This new space station will serve as a ray of hope for all to see. But just as a magnificent renaissance spreads throughout the Republic, so does a frightening new adversary. Now the guardians of peace and justice must face a threat to themselves, the galaxy, and the Force itself…”

Final Thoughts

Just kidding! Now that we’re up to speed on just how high the High Republic is, we can begin our story. On Shuraden (the Republic Frontier), a creepy little tiny troll with wings pesters a Jedi by asking her if she is indeed a Jedi. “You have the shiny sword thing. Are you going to light it? The Ximpi have heard your signal, yes, we have. You do great things. Great, great things.”

The little Ximpi asks the Jedi if she’ll protect them; if all the Jedi will protect them. The Jedi woman is visibly annoyed (YOU CAN TELL BECAUSE THEY DREW HER THAT WAY) as she keeps moving forward among what looks like exotic plants and mountains. After a spell, she asks the Ximpi’s its name. Kanrii. She introduces herself. Keeve. Then she tells Kanrii to get the fuck away from her. She’s not that mean about it, but she basically says, yeah, fuck off.

BECAUSE A BIG SCALY LIZARD MONSTER CREATURE WEARING JEDI ROBES JUMPS OUT OF THE BUSHES WITH A BLUE LIGHTSABER! EGAD! RUN! DEATH IS NIGH!

Keeve busts out her out double-ended green lightsaber and starts fighting the thing. The lizard accuses Keeve of being distracted and open to attack. Keeve answers by lifting her hand and blasting the lizard guy with Force juice, sending him flying back 900 feet.

This is the part where I noticed that the lizard guy only has one arm. “What are you doing? Don’t just stand there!” cries Kanrii it what I assume is a whiny Urkel voice. “Lop off his other arm!”

Of course she’s not going to do that. Do you know why? Because this lizard guy, Sskeer, is Keeve’s fuckin’ Master. Can you get that through your lumpy prune of a brain, Kanrii?

Keeve hands Sskeer back his lightsaber and asks what they’re even doing here on this shithole planet with the annoying fairies from the Legend of Zelda. “You should be recuperating after your accident, and I should be preparing for my trials.”

Then Keeve realizes that Sskeer doesn’t think she’s ready yet. Fuckin’ lizard. She’ll lop off your other arm, you piece of sh–

“I have two things to sssay,” begins Sskeer. “First of all… if you are to be knighted, you need to watch your language. And sssecond… when it comes to your trials–”

If we’re not here to eat pussy, then I don’t want to be here at all!

*opening credits*

Sskeer takes this Keeve sad sack over to these giant spires. “The Needles have stood for millennia,” he tells her. “Many have tried to climb them. Many have failed.”

So what is it, Pops? You need her to climb up some fuckin’ giant stalagmites? No kriffing fucking problem. OK, great! Sskeer had hung a Tythonian pendant atop one of the peaks. Fetch. Don’t fall. Don’t give up until you have it or so help him, Keeve, he’ll spank your ass ruddy.

“They’re so tall,” Keeve says in a small voice. Sskeer mocks her for being scared. “There is no fear,” she recites like a good little Jedi. “Only certainty.” Even Sskeer is like “yeah, that’s just rhetoric you little brat.”

But, soon enough, Keeve starts climbing a spire. Kanrii buzzes around her ear like a pesky gnat and asks if she’s really not scared. She barely answers before the spire cracks in half, sending her tumbling to a most assured death!

She plunges her lightsaber into an adjacent spire and stops herself cantilever-style.

“Phew. That was close. You could have died,” observes Kanrii.

“But I didn’t. And I’d rather not. Which is why I need to focus.”

Kanrii is self-aware enough to know that he’s being a giant buzzing fly in Keeve’s face and excuses himself. But another little Ximpi (Lekaki) shows up to ask Kanrii what the kriff he’s fucking doing. Why, he’s hanging out with his new best friend Keeve is what he’s doing! Hee hee hee! *buzz buzzzzzz*

Come on over, Lekaki! Keeve and I are gonna find some pussy!

Suddenly, a deafening HZZZZZZZZ deafens even the most undeafenable. It’s a swarm of really, really, really big bugs (50 times larger than Keeve) who plow through all the ancient spires and knock Keeve tumbling to a most assured death!

It’s not a pretty sight.

Meanwhile, on the Starlight Beacon, which looks like this shitty little top spinning in space, Jedi Avar Kriss is chewing out Master Maru for not know where Sskeer is. First of all, Master Maru knows everything. Second of all, Sskeer should be here on the Starlight Beacon where we can all make fun of his missing arm.

Maru tells Kriss they are but nine hours from the dedication of the Starlight Beacon. He has to organize the arrival of hundreds of delegates. He has to test the damn beacon. He cannot keep track of every rogue Jedi Master. Now away with you!

Kriss is just worried about Sskeer, is all. He hasn’t been the same since the Nihil battle at Kur where he lost his penis… I mean, arm. Maybe he blames himself for the death of Master Malli (who ate himself to death gorging on spaghetti). Whatever it is, Kriss can’t “hear his song” within the Force and it’s getting her itchy.

Grandmaster Veter and Yoda arrive on the station with no other reason but to look grumpy. They have a boring meeting with the chancellor to discuss bacta manufacturing after the Hetzel disaster. Kriss is amazed at this “they” and “we” business, because that means that Yoda has returned to the Council! At least I think he does; he says something in Yoda-speak and he’s not very clear about it. Something like this: “Wash my butthole, I will!”

Veter has a gift for Avar Kriss! She’s going to be in charge of the Starlight Beacon! Isn’t that a lovely, wonderful gift? Being in charge of something instead of going out in the field and whipping your lightsaber at fiends and degenerates? “Starlight needs a marshal… and that marshal is you.”

Elsewhere, Keeve is falling from 9,000,000 feet as she avoids these giant flying bug things. “There goes my trial,” she thinks. “What’re the odds the drukking pendant is still where Sskeer left it?” The bugs head for Shuraden. Keeve decides, amidst the chaos, that she should still look for the pendant even though Sskeer is like “where are you going, doofus?” She boards a vector ship with Kanrii and flies off with Sskeer yelling and shaking his fist.

No, I’m not sure. Maybe it’s a fleet of bombers piloted by Nicolas Cage clones. Yes, I’m sure, damnit!

Keeve decides it’s her duty to find out where the bugs came from. She gets the Starlight Beacon on the horn and advises them to do something the swarm of giant insects ravaging Shuraden.

Maru thinks on this. “It could be the ridadi, a species of star-locust that migrate through that area of space once a generation–” he suggests, “–but according to our records, they instinctively avoid inhabited worlds.”

Thanks for the help, Captain No-Help. Maru also suggests that Keeve ask them what’s up, which seems like a very good use of time. Keeve goes into full-page Force trance and becomes one with the bugs, as it were. She learns that they’re all flying at once toward “home”… toward… toward… “NO!” Keeve screams.

“Master Maru, how to the ridadi navigate?” she asks as she runs back toward the vector. Well, ma’am, they follow the magnetic pulse of the nearest star in the system, you silly goose you.

Except now something is interfering with the pule of the nearest star in the system. Ever heard of the Starlight Beacon? Yeah. That shit is in the way.

But they can get them back on track! Here’s how! *blows station up to smithereens*

Keeve stays ahead of the flying bugs as she sets her ship to replicate the Beacon’s pulse. Meanwhile, Maru will recalibrate the beacon with scissors and masking tape to change its pulse frequency (so that some other bugs somewhere will be drawn to it, most likely).

Next thing you know, Keeve sets the vector on auto-pilot and leaps out of the fucking thing. Everyone is saved!

“Padawan…” speaks an ominous voice behind Keeve. She gulps in terror like she’s about to be flayed and flogged. “You took the vector. And where is it now.”

GULP! “Um. Up there. Somewhere.”

Sskeer harumphs and calls the Beacon for another vector to take them home.

“Are you in trouble, Friend Keeve?” asks Kanrii.

“I don’t know,” Keeve responds. “Maybe.”

As Sskeer tromps across the Beacon with a fucking attitude, Keeve is hot on his heels trying to plead her case. “SIR, THE BUGS! THE XIMPI CITY! SIR!” Doors open up and reveal the haughty figure of Jedi Master Avar Kriss, who leaves Keeve starstruck. “Wow! I heard what you did at Hetzal! You’re… you’re crikking amazing!”

That’s enough cussing for one afternoon, little lady. Keeve hunches and shrinks about seven feet, worried about how much trouble she’s in. “Look, I know I didn’t finish my trial, but the Ximpi were in danger.”

Avar Kriss makes a face like she’s mad as hell. But it’s a total fakeout asshole move.

Now clean the Beacon toilets. Your hazing has officially begun.

Kriss uses the lightsaber to chop off Keeve’s padawan braid and almost decapitates her in the process, and it would have been deserved. Did you see how she stole that vector?? Inexcusable!

Later, at the Starlight Beacon dedication ceremony, Kriss stands up in front of all the padawans, knights, delegates, and members of the United States Republican Party and gives her speech about hope and peace. All the while, Keeve stands there like “Am I really here? Someone pinch me!”

“Am I ready? No,” she thinks. “Will I ever be ready? Same answer – but I’m gonna try. After all, Sskeer believed in me. That’s why he took me to Shuraden. He knew what would happen. The Ximpi. The ridadi. All of it.”

Kriss continues yapping about the Force this and the Force that. For light and for life and whatever.

“It was all a test. A test he planned through the Force. A test I passed. I won’t let them down, Sskeer. Avar. The Order itself. Not now. Not ever.”

A shadowy, hooded figure emerges through the doors. Sskeer looks up to the heavens and screams “NOOOOOO!”

And that’s the sudden end of the issue.

Final Thoughts

Yeah, whatever. Here’s another one for the Star Wars nerds who want to keep up with everything canon they can possibly get their hands on. Let’s see if the story improves as we go. Those Ximpi would probably be tasty all barbecued up.