Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Batman (Vol. 2), Issue #8 – “Attack on Wayne Manor”! In the previous installment, Bruce Wayne is using the dead Talon named William Cobb to figure out how the Owls synthesized a compound that can help reanimate his cells, i.e. bringing him back from the dead over and over. Dick Grayson learns that the man is his great-grandfather, which makes Dick so angry at Bruce that he yells at him for about six panels before Bruce cracks him across the jaw with a brass-knuckled fist.

The Court of Owls prepares to kill their enemy (Batman) and take over the city (Gotham) so they can celebrate (with TV dinners). Let’s see how that pans out.

It’s the Night of the Owls! *hoot*

Batman (Vol. 2), Issue #8 [June, 2012]
Written by: Scott Snyder
“Attack on Wayne Manor”

Bruce soliloquoys about how you can spend your whole life understanding your stupid city and yet know nothing about it. Case in point: Gotham = Owls.

Bruce stares at a miniature replica of Gotham City in one of his many useless mansion rooms. This room is for the Gotham replica. Duh. Alfred turns on lights that illuminate some of the miniature buildings, causing Bruce to recoil in eye pain. Alfred tells him to stop being such a pussy.

“You want a metaphor old friend?” Bruce says to the guy who doesn’t want metaphors right now. “Here’s one… I’m a man standing over a toy city he made himself while the real one, the one that matters, operates behind his back.”

Sweet-ass metaphor, sir. Here’s your doctorate from Metaphor Tech. “You’ve been sitting in the dark for hours,” sniffs Alfred. “And you have inflammation in most of the tissue around your eyes…”

Bruce certainly does look like warmed-over shit, no one can deny that. He stares out the window at a sunrise, calling himself an arrogant fool. Alfred tries to sooth Bruce’s frazzled nerves with more snarky assholery, but a loud THUMP brings Bruce’s attention back to saving the world. “Get to the cave,” he instructs Alfred. “I’ll take care of the intruder.” Bruce runs while Alfred is hot on his heels going “Sir! Sir! I can take care of it! Sir! Your health!”

But to the cave he goes, and Alfred determines that the intruder signals all over the manor aren’t making sense! Then he stops cold and tells Bruce to get down to the cave ASAP.

A man wearing Owl Ninja Gear busts through the railing of a wooden staircase and tries to snap at Bruce with a mechanical hand claw thing. “Bruce Wayne…” it says, “…the Court of Owls… has sentenced you to–”

Bruce cracks off a piece of staircase and smacks the Owl with it. The Owl laughs it away, amused by Bruce’s moves! He’s got moves, too, and it’s like how the Queen has moves. Bruce is more of a Rook, you see. Then Bruce uses his Rook leg to kick the Owl right through a door and knocking him unconscious.

Three more sets of yellow mask eyes peer out from the darkness of the next room…

Master Bruce, sir, this is no time for sex.

Alfred looks frantic and hopeless and he informs Bruce that he’s pretty much surrounded. They’re getting into the house from all sides. One is even coming down the stairs of the Batcave, literally hooting. And then Alfred’s line is disconnected.

Bruce does his best to run away from and/or knock out and/or murder the Owls, but one man can only do so much, I always say. He makes his way to the top of the roof. “Go ahead, Bruce! Try to run away! We’ll follow you wherever you go!” the Owl screeches.

Bruce has now snapped off a weathervane and is attempting to bludgeon the Owl with the “N” side. Then he jabs the pole end into the Owl’s chest. Then he scurries down the chimney where he gets stuck in an uncomfortable position until he dies. “We’ll get you, Bruce Wayne!” another Owl says, thwarted. “We’re coming for you!”

Now that the Owls have been stymied forever, Bruce heads down to the Batcave to find Alfred. He finds nobody but yet another Fucking Owl.

THAT DRAWER OF WOMEN’S PANTIES ARE FOR MY RECREATIONAL ENJOYMENT! I HAVE NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF!

Alfred shoves a giant coin onto the Owl. And when I say “giant” I really mean “giant”. Like, the Owl has probably been crushed to death. “Your lucky penny, sir,” Alfred says morbidly.

Bruce takes the mask off the not-dead Owl and reveals a creepy, pale, veiny face. Bruce screams “HOW MANY ARE COMING FOR US!” and the Owl tells him “Enough”, and not just for him. He’ll find that out very soon.

This is the part where Bruce breaks the guy’s arm, much to his chagrin. Then another swarm of Owls descends into the cave, so Bruce and Alfred-With-an-Ax run to a vault to lock themselves inside. The armory, as it were. “That’s okay, Bruce. We’ll find a way in. We always do,” an Owl sneers. Alfred agrees – the doors won’t hold forever.

Bruce hands Alfred a tiny little SD card that he found in the Owl’s gauntlet after breaking his arm. Take it and then turn up the air conditioning in the Batcave to full-blast! We’ll cold them out!

The Owls, meanwhile, look stupid bashing and clawing at the armory door. “You can’t hide forever, Bruce!”

Then one of them uses what the artwork seems to convey as telekinetic powers to unscrew bolts from the armory door. Bruce comes out in a full-body iron Batsuit. “Get the HELL out of my house!” he says intimidatingly. “Look at this, friends. Bruce came out to play!” taunts an Owl. “You know what we do to bats, Bruce? We eat them whole. Bones and all.”

Gross!

I’m so fucking high right now!

Meanwhile, Alfred gibbers at what he has found out from the SD card. “It’s a list of targets. And… nearly every public figure in Gotham is on it. Everyone who shapes the city.”

“The city comptroller… Betty Park…” Ol’ Betty gets accosted by Owls in her house.

“Gotham City deputy sheriff… Michael D. Davis…” Ol’ Michael gets snuck up on in his bathtub.

One by one Alfred lists names and see Owls fuck their shit up. All of them sentenced to die by the Court of Owls. And who else is on the list? Commissioner Jimmy Gordie. Mayor Hady too, but who gives a shit about him?

Anyway, Bruce tells Alfred to put a call out. Batman’s going to need his team assembled. Nightwing. Robin. Batgirl, Red Face. Emo Kid. Floozy. All of ‘em.

“To all the allies of the Bat presently in Gotham… I send this with the greatest urgency. Tonight, the Court of Owls has sent their assassins to kill nearly forty people across the city. The Court’s targets are all Gotham leaders. People who shape this city. I have uploaded a list of the targets’ names, here. The Court’s assassins – the ‘Talons’ — are already en route to their targets. They are highly trained killers with extraordinary regenerative abilities.”

BANG BANG!

Alfred says he’ll keep the line open as long as possible.

BANG BANG!

The Owls draw their knives out at Metal Batsuit-Man

BANG BANG!

And they try to get through the door to Alfred.

BANG BANG!

“We’re coming for you too, old man! Going to tear the skin off your back!”

This is getting serious! And – oh wait, the issue’s over.

Final Thoughts

I really want to see these Owls win. Bruce has been so arrogant about Gotham being HIS city that I want to see Gotham’s Illuminati-style society tear his ass to pieces.

But we can’t always get what we want in life, can we?