Welcome to Archieness & Riverdalers Presents: Archie (Vol. 1), Issue #347!

Archie (Vol. 1) , Issue #347 [May, 1987]

”Guess Who”

In today’s story, “Guess Who”, Archie listens to “American Woman” until his parents throw his stereo out the window, hitting an American woman in the head and killing her instantly. It’s prison time for Mr. and Mrs. Andrews, and Archie is orphaned. He lives in an orphanage where he’s fed gruel until his stomach needs to be pumped. Then he dies of exposure because his cot is near a crack in the wall.

Where was I?

“Guess who just made the Riverdale High hockey team!” Archie exclaims holding a hockey stick, making the guessing game a little bit too easy. Betty and Veronica look at him with dopey expressions and ask him who. Archie gets mad. “Why me, of course! Who did you think I was talking about?”

Archie raises his fist like he’s about ready to deck a couple of girls in public, but then they ask when they can see him play. Why, the first game is Saturday afternoon! So don’t miss him getting hit in the eyeballs with a puck, it will surely yield hilarious results!

Jughead, ever the killjoy, inquires as to whether Archie should be playing such a dangerous game. Archie ain’t scared of no hockey. He’s got hockey in his blood, don’t you know. His father was Mario “Hockey” McKnickKnack. Plus, he’s the goalie! Goalie isn’t a dangerous position!

On Saturday, the game begins and the girls don’t see Archie on the ice at all. Not at all! “I don’t want to see a hockey game if Archie’s not playing!” Veronica grumps, storming out. Betty agrees. She storms out, too! And, on the ice, Archie takes off his Jason Voorhees hockey mask and wonders where his girls are at. A comedy of errors already!

Blockin’ pucks and lookin’ good while doin’ it!

So Archie’s a natural, as it turns out, and Riverdale wins the game! A celebration at Pop’s is in order, but the girls are already there. He brags and boasts like a jerk, and the girls are like “whuzzat, you weren’t even on the ice, you filthy ginger”. And Archie is like “I GOT A STANDING OVATION AFTER TAKING OFF MY MASK, BITCHES! YOU WEREN’T THERE?!”

“A mask? No wonder we didn’t see you!” says Veronica.

“Who wants to watch you wearing a mask?” says Betty.

“If you want us to watch you play again, don’t wear a silly mask!” adds Veronica.

Archie throws a fit on the floor, which is actually something I’m not making up. He cries and flails. “But I was great today!” he wails, seeing his chance to get a little nookie tonight fading away fast!

”Hand-Tooled Torment”

Below is a real thing Archie says. I didn’t make up a single word.

“Sufferin’ snakeskins, Mom! Look what Uncle Billy Bob sent me! A pair of genuine hand-tooled leather cowboy boots!!”

That’s right, folks. Here in Issue #347 we’ve run out of ideas, so what we have here is a story about Archie’s new shitkickin’ boots.

“Hmph!” snorts Mrs. Andrews. “That’s Billy Bob all right! Just as impractical as ever!”

You look like you’re about to get shot in the chest by Clint Eastwood.

Archie is more excited about cowboy boots than any 16-year-old kid has any right to be. Mrs. Andrews comments upon how cute he is in his high heels. “I’m gonna mosey down to the school and show the kids!” Archie says, which is exactly what a man in a trench coat would say. He wobbles dramatically as he walks down the sidewalk, looking drunk as fuck. Thanks, Uncle Billy Bob.

“Mercy me, Miss Abigail! Yonder comes Teetering Tex!” says Veronica.

“I swan, Suzie Mae! He do wobble a bit, don’t he?” says Betty. Again, we see two girls positively EMASCULATING a man, who has every right to sex! MY RIGHT-WING SENSIBILITIES ARE INJURED!

“Don’t tell me Archie,” chimes in Jughead. “You lost a bet and you have to wear those stupid things all day, right?”

“WRONG!”

lol

“The heck with all of you!” Archie says, bringing out the big swears while his heal gets caught in a sewer grate. Hahaha. Take that, idiot. “Hang there, hopalong,” says Jughead, reaching down to help. “I’ll have you loping down the trail again in a minute!”

The three of them continue to throw shade in Archie’s face while he slips on some ice and falls face first into a wastebin. Reggie walks by, sneers, and calls him trash! Haw haw!

Bzzzzzz!

Later, in the school, Archie clacks his way down the hallway, drawing the attention of Fat Mr. Weatherbee. “Egad!” he exclaims fatly before contributing his own brand of hilarious shade! Archie growls.

Jughead runs into the school. “Arch! Ms. Grundy threatened detention for lateness! We have half a minute!”

“Oh! Gosh! You’re right!” Archie responds, taking somebody’s lord’s name in vain, at any rate. But guess what? Can you guess?!!?! Archie can’t run down the halls in his stupid $8,000 snakeskin boots! “EEP! They keep throwing me off balance!” he gripes. He falls into a girl named Thelma’s arms, drawing the ire of Veronica. “ACK!” Archie yelps like Cathy in a candy store.

“Ron! Please!” Archie stumbles over to one of his main squeezes.

Veronica responds with icy speech balloons. “Don’t you ever talk to me again as long as you live!”

Dejected, having ruined every relationship and friendship he has in his life, Archie bangs and clangs his way back home in his socks. He’s late for dinner again! Into the brig with you!

Mrs. Andrews tells her wretched son that he could’ve gotten frostbite. Archie says angrily that he already got frostbite from Veronica!

*sad trombone farts*

”I Stink, Therefore I Am!”

“Bye! I’m going to the school dance!” Archie waves as he leaves the house smelling like a gallon of Axe body spray. “Archie!? You’re wearing another cologne?” Mr. Andrews exclaims. “Tonight it’s strawberry, last night it was pine, and the night before that… cinnamon! What gives?”

Archie looks sheepish in his blue-and-white striped tie and his brown jacket, lookin’ like a car salesman. “I use various colognes depending on who I’m dating!” Archie says, ready to tell his parents all about his hound-doggin’. Betty likes pine, Veronica likes cinnamon. Heather, his date tonight, is a bit of an extrovert, and extroverts like strawberries! Archie sprayed it all over his dick and balls.

Cheesecake is for lovers, I read that in a Bible once.

Archie picks up Heather and they take off to the school where the gym is filled with horny boys wearing cologne. The air is choking with odors wafting around like a bag in the breeze. One kid is wearing “Garden of the Gladiators”. Another is wearing “Honeysuckle for Hunks”. Then there’s “Macho Musk” and “Swashbuckler’s Sachet” and “Powerhouse Posie” and “Hyacinth of Hercules” and “Robust Rosewater” and oh my god are all the girls shutting their legs with a snap at all these shitty colognes.

Reggie pops into Archie and Heather’s purview smelling like some guy fucked a flower. “Brawny Blue Blossom”, son. And when Heather comments upon liking Reggie’s cologne better, Archie takes Reggie’s bottle of the stuff and splashes some on himself. Then Moose splashes more cologne on and all the guys are wasting cologne and making the place smell awful. All the girls are literally choking to death. Literally!

“I CAN’T STAND IT ANYMORE!! I’VE GOT TO GET SOME FRESH AIR!” screams Heather, and the other girls agree. They all run out of the gym, gasping at the sweet, sweet outdoor air.

Then Jughead walks by. Good ol’ asexual-as-hell Jughead. The girls think he smells positively alluring! What is that scent?! It’s captivating! Exhilirating! It’s Eau-de-Jughead. He doesn’t wear cologne! Not a drop!

So about 11 girls start chasing him down the street, all with hearts floating above their heads. Imagine that shit!

“Look!” Reggie sneers. “After all the trouble we went through to smell nice, they pick Burger Breath!”

“Yeah! That really stinks!”

Then Archie pours ketchup on his dick and chases after the girls.

”Up for Grabs”

Speaking of school dances, there’s a school dance only two weeks away! Grab that cologne and–

“Has Archie asked you to go?” Betty smiles at Veronica, clearly wanting some of that fresh, pristine Archie beef log for herself. “Face it, Betty!” Veronica says haughtily in her lavish fur coat. “When it comes to dates, I’ve got Archie wrapped around my little pinky!”

…uh, heh, by that I mean, uhm, he hasn’t asked me quite yet, but the day is still young! In the meantime, it’s shopping time! Toodles, unwealthy blonde girl!

When Veronica walks away, the mice come out to play! The “mice” here being Betty, who is excited that Archie still hasn’t asked Veronica. “If I play my cards right, there’s still a chance I can get him to take me! YIPPEE!”

Fawning over this lanky ginger loser is the least realistic part of Archie comics. That kid bites.

I found a swordfish in your alternator. I ate it just in time, of course.

Later that day, Archie catches Betty working on his car for free. He’s all like “Thanks, Bets! Now I can go over to Lodge Manor for dinner!” This is the part where Betty goes home and pokes her Veronica voodoo doll with a few more pins.

At Lodge Manor, Archie finishes a wonderful meal of boiled lobster and alternator swordfish. “If Betty hadn’t worked on my car, I might not have been able to make it!” Archie smiles doofily. After he leaves, this is the part where Veronica goes to her room and sticks her Betty voodoo doll into a meat grinder. “Betty’s using cheap tricks to get a date with Archie before I do! From now on, it’s TOTAL WAR!!” she yells, turning red in the cheeks.

Betty and Veronica should just date each other. They clearly want to. My gaydar is going haywire.

The next day, Betty wears her rags to school. “Do you like my new dress? I made it myself!”

Archie pops a boner. “Like it, Sugarlips? I love it!” But then he continues his sexism by giving Veronica the ol’ “VA-VA-VOOM” when she shows up in some French dress. Betty drags her across the room for a come-to-Jesus meeting. Archie is ten feet away looking stupid while Betty tells Veronica that Archie’s too smart to fall for her tricks. Then it’s a “HE’S DATING ME / NO HE’S DATING ME” fight that culminates in the two of them courting Archie’s favor over the course of the next week. Sharing milkshakes, holding hands in the sunset, long walks in the moonlight, and kisses for everyone!

The big day arrives! WHO is Archie going to ask?!

“THE SCHOOL DANCE? I CAN’T GO! I’M VISITING MY RELATIVES THAT WEEKEND! DIDN’T I TELL YOU?”

Betty and Veronica vow to create an Archie voodoo doll and throw it off a bridge.

Final Thoughts

Archie.