Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Batman (Vol. 1), Issue #611 – “Chapter 4: The City”! In the previous installment, Batman thinks Killer Croc is too dumb to plan a kidnapping alone, so he’s determined to find the string-puller. Dr. Thomas Elliot visits Alfred to tell him to relay a warning to Bruce: stay the fuck in bed because the city is dangerous. Bruce does not stay the fuck in bed, of course. He’s going to team up with Catwoman to go find Poison Ivy in Metropolis (where she’s kissing Superman on the lips and hopefully killing him).

Batman and Catwoman are going to do flips and have sex all along the way to Metropolis. It’s disgusting and I hate it.

Batman (Vol. 1), Issue #611 [March, 2003]
Written by: Jeph Loeb
“Chapter 4: The City”

Bruce arrives in Metropolis in his private plane. “It is very different from Gotham City and for that alone… I try to avoid coming here. There are not many reasons for Batman to be in this city. But no one will raise an eyebrow when Bruce Wayne comes to town.”

So, in short, Bruce fucking hates Metropolis more than I do. It’s been years since he’s actually wanted to go to Metropolis, but whatever, he’ll make the most of it. Perhaps he’ll pretend to look after some of his business interests. Perhaps he’ll stop by the Daily Planet and inappropriately hit on Lois Lane for a little bit. Maybe he’ll give Lex Luthor a blowjob. The possibilities are endless.

Thomas Elliot catches up with Bruce before he leaves the airport. They reminisce and laugh about the time Thomas Wayne brought the two of them here to the city to take in a show. Ha ha ha! Say, how about the two of them hang out together like old times?

While all this is happening, Gotham’s biggest horndog keeps thinking about kissing Catwoman. What Bruce really wants to do in Metropolis is bone Selina Kyle in the sleaziest hotel he can find. We’re talking $21 per night and a TV bolted to the wall. And not even any HBO!

Bruce asks Thomas if he told anyone that they saw Green Lantern streak across the sky in Metropolis when they were kiddos. All like “whoa” and “wow”. And instead of staying put like Thomas Wayne demanded, the kids run off to follow wherever the hell Green Lantern is going. Turns out it’s to fight some freezy bad guy who fancies himself as The Icicle. “He’ll never win!” Thomas cries as the superhero/supervillain show curves around the block. The kids don’t get back to the corner in time.

“We’re not in Gotham City, Bruce,” Thomas Wayne chastises his son. “I’m not only responsible for you, but your friend as well. And since neither one of you can be trusted, you’ll spend the rest of the weekend in your hotel room.”

They didn’t get to see the rest of the city, let alone more superhero shenanigans! Then Bruce’s parents died and, well, he never, ever saw Thomas Elliot again.

Anyway, the two catch up a little bit now that Thomas isn’t pushing Bruce’s brain back into his head with a spork. Thomas tells him that he came by the manor the other day and talked to Alfred, hoping to check on his Favorite Patient. His favorite patient who should have been in bed. His favorite patient who sucks at listening to doctors.

Says the guy who falls off 70-story buildings every three days.

Thomas Elliot tells Bruce that he ain’t Superman. He can’t just run around town without being full-healed! You need at least a Hi-Potion to enjoy that luxury.

Back before the Metropolis visit, Batman had given Catwoman a fancy button that she can press to call him in case she runs into Poison Ivy first. Catwoman is like “sure, yeah, like I’m going to do that” and if I were her I would’ve flicked that shit off the roof.

Thomas recognizes that Bruce’s brain traveled to Mars there for a minute and calls him out on it. Always imagining sexing up the ladies, this guy. Anyway, Thomas asks a favor: play a game of Risk or Stratego with him again some day. For fuck’s sake, dude, he’s been holding onto those pieces for years with no other dingus childhood friends to play them with.

If I didn’t say that this issue is gripping storytelling so far, then I’d be a big fat liar!

Later, Bruce pops in on Lois at the Daily Planet. He has a bouquet of flowers like a true gentlemen, and her pussy melts in her pants. Lois gives him a hug while Clark Kunt pops his head above the next cubicle. Lois tells him that their dinner plans are going to have to wait, she’ll be riding Bruce’s dick tonight instead. Clark understands.

Bruce takes this moment to log onto Lois’ computer and engage in a very unsecured AOL Instant Messenger conversation with Oracle. They talk about breaking into LexCorp for a hot minute before Bruce logs off sheepishly before Perry White shows up to clap him on the back and give him a noogie. The gang’s all here! Now we just need Jimmy Olsen to come into the room, poop his pants, and do a cartwheel.

But really, do it again and I’ll slap a bitch.

Clark is suspicious of Bruce’s arrival in Metropolis, so he’s going to become Superman and ambush him when he’s Batman! Dinner plans will really have to wait now, but that’s ok. Dinner was going to be something gross like halibut stew anyway.

In the dead of night, Batman pops into LexCorp to talk to Talia Head, Ra’s al Ghul’s daughter. These two have shown up in my comic book travels a couple of times and I don’t know or care about either of them. She’s running the place now while Luthor is President of the United States or whatever the fuck he’s up to.

Batman is here to get some ethylene. Barring that, he wants to know who has been purchasing large quantities of the stuff. But before he can really get down to business here, Batman’s pager goes off. Shit! That’s the Catwoman signal! Gotta run, but we’re not done here. There’s still the matter of a rag soaked in ethylene for some good ol’-fashioned huffin’.

“There’s something… different about you,” Talia says suspiciously. “I am not sure I like it.” Thanks for noticing Batman’s newest rainbow-colored codpiece! Exquisite, you might say.

Batman catches up with Catwoman on top of an elevated passenger train. They do a little bit of power-move flirting, which Catwoman always wins.

They find Poison Ivy in a warehouse based on no leads or prior information. That is to say, Catwoman finds her first in all her green glory. One smack from Poison Ivy and Catwoman goes absolutely apeshit. With a WHAM, BAM, DTUSH, Catwoman kicks the crap out of Ivy. She tries to bargain her way out of an ass-beating with all the money she has, but Catwoman doesn’t want her stinkin’ money. What she wants to do is take a little claw… and just barely touch Ivy’s neck… to see if she bleeds green…

Ugh, I always, always forget about the creepy sentient plants! D’oh!

Catwoman almost asphyxiates before Batman batarangs the vine loose. “Ivy,” he says menacingly. “You are coming back to Gotham City.”

Ivy finds this all very amusing. Hee hee ha ha ho ho hee. Catwoman brought her champion? What fun! Ivy brought one too!

And for some reason, it’s Superman.

Superman has gone to the dark side, and not a moment too soon. I was just about to throw shade at his uncoolness again.

Final Thoughts

Really, bitches? You had to bring Superman into the mix? The dude smells like dried soup and he once punched a kitten so hard that it’s now in orbit around Neptune. God, I hate Superman.