Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #5 – “Life Lessons”! In the previous installment, Uncle Ben got got. He’s dead, but we don’t know that yet. The issue ended with Peter showing up at his house after an evening of hopping around buildings and ruminating about normal teenage stuff like the sudden acquisition of many super powers. The house was surrounded by cops and barricades. We are left wondering what happened! But it was that Uncle Ben got got.

I already know how the aftermath of this inconvenient murder will play out, but let me go through the motions for the sake of entertainment. The things I do for my audience. *crickets*

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #5 [March, 2001]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Life Lessons”

The muscle-bound and sinewy teenage Harry Osborne is asleep in his bedroom when he is suddenly jolted awake by the screams of his mother. It seems like some flying demon is throwing fireballs all willy-nilly around Osborne Manor, rudely burning it down and scaring the be-jesus out of James Franco. Uhh…I mean, Harry Osborne. Heh heh. I thought at first that this was going to end up being some terrifying booze-and-heroin-fueled nightmare, but it looks legit. Harry screams for help into the night, clad in only his skidmarked underwear.

A distraught, doe-eyed May is talking to the police about how a murderer did a murder in their house. Actually, it was a robbery that turned into a murdery murder! Actually, we’re not supposed to know that quite yet. The robber was all “Gimme all your money!”, and Uncle Ben was all “Heh heh, now son, look at me in my oversized flannel Eddie Vedder get-up and tell me, and be honest now, tell me that you don’t have more money already than-” BAM! RIGHT IN THE FUCKING HEAD, BEN. One of the police officers is getting a call from dispatch assigning backup for a robbery at a Popeye’s a few blocks from the Parker house. With the possibility in mind that this could be the same guy who whacked Unky Ben, Peter BOLTS from the house and runs down the street while wriggling into his tight Spider-Man negligee. Whoa mama!

Nice gun. *chuckle* How about a game of Parcheesi??

The police are surrounding the criminal’s cozy little broken-down hidey-hole. The culprit, donned in a baseball cap, is muttering to himself about “pigs” and “pieces of garbage” and “Blue Lives DON’T Matter”, probably, when Spider-Man himself (it’s actually Peter Parker in a crafty disguise, shhhhhh) drops from the ceiling. The guy, terrified, starts shooting in Spider-Man’s direction with a dignified “NYYAAHH!” while the gun goes “BLAM”. The guy starts running away muttering, but Spider-Man throws, like, a tire, I think, at the back of his head. Angered, the guy lunges at Spider-Man, but our fearless Master of Spiders knocks him back with a sickening “POK”, which is probably the sound effect that happens when a weak-ass Tobey Maguire knocks back a weak-ass Topher Grace. It probably sounds like a tongue clicking. Also, fuck Blue Lives Matter! Terrible.

Finally subdued, Spider-Man takes a good look at this motherfucker’s stupid-looking face and realizes in a blue-hued flashback sequence that this was THE SAME GUY who PARKER DIDN’T HELP STOP while he was RUNNING AWAY from a CRIME HE HAD COMMITTED involving a ROBBERY and he got CHEWED OUT by some LOOKIE-LOOS who thought that a TEENAGER should have DONE SOMETHING to STOP HIM and nOw UnClE bEn iS dEaD because PETER PARKER fucks and sucks SHIT! AH HA HA HAA! While the police are wondering what’s going on in the hideout, Spider-Man is going through the guy’s wallet like a Fallout character looting a corpse. I think he takes his ID card and maybe some money and mints and an expired condom? Then he throws the guy out a window with a rope tied around his middle right in front of the cops. The guy’s all like “Buhhhh”.

Peter Parker is having a tough time with this letting-the-guy-kill-his-uncle revelation. In another blue-hued flashback, in case you don’t remember literally the previous issue, Parker goes over the last conversation he had with Ben before he stormed off in an angsty hormonal huff. Great power. Great responsibility. Something like that. Lessons Learned. Check that Issue #5 title, son. Parker has a big fat epiphany about this and now he’s truly a man grown as they say in Westeros!

POK!

On his sulky way home, Parker catches Mary Jane waiting on somebody’s steps. Possibly her own. Maybe Kong’s? Uncle Ben? Oh wait he’s dead. She asks Peter if he’s ok. He says “I ‘unno”. She says that May is staying with them. Peter says “Durrrr”. She says “Like, you can, uh, like, you can stay at our house? In my bedroom, maybe? In my bed? Nude? Sound good?”. Peter says “*cum*”. The End.

Parker’s gonna get some dead Uncle pity-sex.

Final Thoughts

Isn’t it so sad that Uncle Ben died? Now who’s going to make all the rice that comes in the orange box?! FAAARRT. What a great joke.

Is Peter Parker gonna bang MJ? Is Peter Parker gonna have some sex? Are Peter Parker and MJ gonna bang? Is Peter Parker going back to MJ’s house and then do some fucking? Is MJ gonna bang Peter Parker? All these questions and more will be answered in Issue #6 through Issue #160! Except the part about the sex.