Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #7 – “Secret Identity”! In the previous installment, the Green Goblin showed up! We don’t know his name yet though. Nothing else happened. Oh wait, this universe’s Peter Parker uses glue for his webs instead of, you know, making it from his body. Spider-Man, therefore, is strong and can climb walls and that’s it. Not very spidery if you ask me.

This issue marks the finale of the Power and Responsibility story arc! What will we learn? What will I learn? What will YOU learn? Don’t forget Uncle Ben’s last words to Peter before he was murdered: “Bring me the remote control”. Onward!

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #7 [May, 2001]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Secret Identity”

We return to the scene in the sky! Goblin-Man is holding Spider-Man in a loving embrace as they both barrel into the heavens! “PPPPPPRRRKKKEERRR…” the goblin says, moistly, and drops Spider-Man from 30,000 feet above the ground. Spider-Man shits his dumb little pants, but then tries to squirt some web juice between two adjacent buildings to fashion a trampoline net thing! Upon seeing this, the goblin acknowledges with a mighty, confident “HRRUUUGGHH”. Spider-Man, still shitting his pants mind you, starts launching web strings against other buildings to create some makeshift swinging vines à la Atari’s Pitfall. He eventually gets back up to where Mr. Goblin is just chilling and he kicks him right in the back with his spindly little twig leg. He throws more quips at him as he punches him right in his goblin face with a satisfying, uh, “BONK”. Goblin grabs him and throws him to the concrete below like the Peter Parker twerp he is. “All right! That’s it,” says our menacing hero, “time to break it out on you like Chow Yung Fat!” Maybe he should break it out like Chow Yun-fat instead, since that’s actually his name? Oh well, too late now! He shoots some webs but misses his mark and hits a police helicopter canopy. Man, this is taking too long. Time to throw in a picture.

You can toss my salad next, Spider Boy.

OK, back to the action. Now the police helicopter is in the fray. Goblin mounts the helicopter like some sort of, uhm, like, Goblin gargoyle? Sorry, I’m typing this at 11pm and half this comic book has been one big action scene. Meanwhile, Spider-Man latched onto Goblin’s cape with some web spooge and is getting whipped around like the family pig! Whatever that means! The helicopter now has backup and demands the Goblin to stand down. “Better get my Spider-Butt back in the game. Those cops don’t know what they’re dealing with.” says Spider-Man importantly, like he fucking knows anything either. The police, again, instruct Goblin to stand down. The Goblin is under arrest and will now go to Goblin jail. Goblin’s getting upset! He starts revving up his fireball hands. Spider-Man is getting desperate and tries reasoning with Goblin face-to-face, tête-à-tête, mano a mano. UUGGHHH, ok, time to throw in another picture.

Don’t try to reason with goblins. They are natural tricksters who will steal the tasty, nutritious gold right out of your jangling pockets!

Meanwhile, police backup is shooting rounds into Goblin’s chest without any effect. Goblin’s getting madder! Spider-Man is nervous! I’ve got to pee, hold on.

Ahhh, that’s better. Spider-Man urges the cops to stop shooting, Goblin utters “PPPAAARRRKER!” again like some sort of reverse Pokemon. Goblin leaps at Spider-Man, Spider-Man dodges, Goblin falls off the bridge that they are on and into the water below. In a twist that only Stan Lee’s corpse could have predicted, the cops start telling Spider-Man to stand down! Now, obviously, Peter Parker’s wimpy caved-in chest can’t withstand a hail of bullets, let alone cop bullets! They demand that he takes off his mask, but we all know how much Spider-Man hates being told that. The police start firing, Spider-Man starts doing some contrived acrobatics in order to avoid the bullets, and he topples over the side of the bridge as well. The police lose him, and this laborious action scene is finally over. Jesus Fuck, man.

The school is in shambles! Shambles, I say! Reporters, police, firefighters, and barely-traumatized students are all over the school grounds. Everyone is speculating on who the mysterious Green Goblin was. “It was the Hulk!” says Kong, fulfilling his Marvel contract to occasionally name-drop other franchises. “It was my father.” says Harry Osborne, gothily.

“You’re full of shit, Osborne! Go back to bed!”

So, yeah, everyone else is like “Buh” about what Harry has said, but Harry insists that it’s true. “I saw it with my own eyes!” he says, regarding Norman’s laboratory experiments. “He turned himself into that! On purpose!” The cops shove him out of sight, probably into a cop car to take him to the dang looney bin. Where he belongs. Peter Parker goes into soliloquy guilt mode as follows:

“Oh man — Harry. Should I tell you the truth? How do I tell you? If that monster was your father — he wasn’t here to kill you. He was trying to kill me. Or maybe both of us. I don’t even know. I mean, why would he want to kill either of us? Why? Did what turned me into Spider-Man turn your dad into that? Did what happened to him have something to do with what happened to me? I don’t know. I don’t even know what really happened to me yet. Does it really matter? I mean, it’s all over. Hang in there, Harry.”

WE CUT TO THE WATER UNDER THE BRIDGE WHERE THERE ARE BUBBLES. THE END.

Final Thoughts

And so ends the first Ultimate Spider-Man story arc! Thrills! Chills! Suspense! Romance! Spiders! Dead Uncles! Green Goblins! Teenage Angst! Stan Lee! Roll credits!

What will become of Peter Parker? What will become of Harry Osborne? When will MJ suck on Spider-Man’s face upside-down in the rain? What will become of Uncle Ben? Oh wait, he’s dead. Is Aunt May seeing someone else? What’s going on with the Green Goblin? When will MJ suck on Spider-Man’s dick upside-down in the rain? I demand to know!

Ugh. I’m hungry.