Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Action Comics (Vol. 2), Issue #4 – “Superman and the Men of Steel” • “Hearts of Steel”! That’s right, TWO stories for the price of one this time! In the previous installment, there seems to be an apocalypse going on at Krypton in a very befuddling flashback. Some police officer named Detective Blake is mad at Clark Kent for writing mean things about Metropolis in the Daily Planet and Clark is warned to not cause a ruckus. Clark’s landlady asks him point-blank if he’s from outer space. Clark neither confirms nor denies this.

Clark is simultaneously nervous for himself and for his alter ego (spoiler alert it’s superman). The former because Glenmorgan is diverting attention away from his corruption by spreading this Superman defamation story, and the latter because he himself is Superman in the process of getting defamed! A mysterious informant gives Clark some dirt on Glenmorgan and how he rigged the subway to crash in Issue #1. He doesn’t want to write about it, but after experiencing some bad PR as Superman he reconsiders. At the Glenmorgan robot factory, Clark witnesses all these robots on the floor spouting a message about Krypton’s database being backed up as an apocalypse safeguard, which everyone finds completely fucking weird because I don’t think Glenmorgan’s robot factory is actually supposed to make robots at all!

John Corben the former-mustache gets plugged into the steel suit. His brain is overridden by Steel Soldier, who Lex Luthor welcomes with open arms. Steel Soldier demands Superman.

These Action Comics are pretty dense. A LOT is happening here so keep the fuck up! Let’s continue.

Action Comics (Vol. 2), Issue #4 [February, 2012]
Written by: Grant Morrison
“Superman and the Men of Steel”

Hey, the title is the same as the name of the story arc. FASCINATING! The MEN OF STEEL! OOooOOOOoo, chills!

So this Krypton database backup message? It sounds like it’s somehow related to robots being created out of nowhere in manufacturing facilities. At least, that’s what I’m gleaning from this at the moment. The issue begins with a news report that facilities all across the world are suddenly seeing thousands of these robots being made from a computer virus, but it’s unclear if the robots are appearing out of thin air or if these robots already exist and are being infected? Who knows.

Lex “Jeff Bezos” Luthor is freaking the fuck out, though. “I warned you! I warned everybody!” he yells, terrified, his mind scrambled with alien anxiety. Corben/Steel Soldier demands Superman. Luthor poops his pants full of turds.

Back at the Glenmorgan Robot Brothel, all these mechanical monsters keep spouting robot nonsense in green speech balloons. I keep seeing the word “terminaut” so I’m going to take the leap here that these robots are called terminauts! The foreman is just as confused as his visitors. The terminauts start advancing on the group.

My eyes are simply CROSSED with petrified fear!

Back to the news broadcast, the mayor of Metropolis is publicly implying that the blame may be on known alien Superman for the existence of these terminauts, which is cool for Superman’s enemies but not too cool for Superman.

Back at the Glenmorgan Sex Robot Museum, Superman suddenly shows up in his baggy slacker “S” shirt and Levi’s jeans. He tries to beat up some robots but there are too many. The people at the scene are like “who gives a fuck, they can take Superman, they want him anyway, they’ll leave us alone if they take him, he can go fuck himself”, and I agree with this myself right now. Cops at the scene want to arrest Superman, but then some giant two-story robot comes barreling through demanding Superman, lifts an army tank over its head, and aims at Superman with a “Krypton Specimen Identified” warning. ACTION! The robot sends a projectile right into his goddamned chest! Ha ha!

Outside the immediate area of all the ACTION, Jimmy Olsen and Lois Lane are hotwiring a car to escape, wondering where the hell Clark went. Steel Soldier pops into the scene and recognizes Lois, and a little bit of John Corben comes out for the briefest of moments. “Lois. Help me.” She recognizes him and tries to chat, but it doesn’t work very well.

How about that time in Key Largo when you fucked a fish?

Meanwhile, Superman’s not dead, of course, why would he be? He only got hit point-blank with a motherfucking tank missile. He lifts a TV news van over his head and launches it at Steel Soldier’s back, which doesn’t do jackshit. Lois still tries to get John Corben to snap out of it, but it’s an exercise in futility. It looks to me that Corben’s own thoughts are getting scrambled into a stew of Krypton super-robot-virus messages, and he’s saying stuff like “You broke my heart on another planet, Lois!” Boo hoo, go get fucked, Corben, you incel.

Superman tries to take a swing at Steel Soldier, but it didn’t do nuthin’. Now that Steel Soldier has finally detected his target, he starts opening fire with his robot arm gun! And so do a bunch of other terminauts! Yeah! Go robots! Fuck that guy up! “FROM THE MOMENT HUMANKIND SUSPECTED YOUR EXISTENCE, WORK HAS BEGUN ON THE ULTIMATE ANTI-SUPERMAN WEAPON. I AM THAT WEAPON. MADE TO DESTROY YOU!” Yeah! Go get him, Steel Soldier!

Jeff Bezos is losing his composure!

As Steel Soldier and his cohort of menacing mechanical, uh, menaces, advance on Superman, the caped one belts out a mighty “GRAAUU!” and tears a few of them to nuts and bolts. Man of Steel vs. the Men of Steel! Poetry! Action! AHHH! I FEEL ALIVE!! The fight gets taken to a suspension bridge where Lex Luthor is in the back of an army cargo truck apparently awaiting his own moment of glory. A blast from Steel Soldier sends Superman straight into the asphalt, creating a crater on the bridge the size of, like, the whole width of the bridge, man! A message is transmitted that “dwarf star lensing” is being initiated, and Luthor poops his pants again and orders the driver of the truck to get off the bridge post-haste. I recall this “dwarf star lensing” is what fucked up Krypton in that weird Krypton flashback, correct? Yes, correct. I’m always correct.

Some dude in an iron suit, a monocle apparatus thing, and a giant hammer shows up and starts swinging at Steel Soldier. Corben recognizes him as Dr. Irons who I guess designed and built the damn steel soldier suit and is going to now try to destroy it. A little box in the corner of this page says “EDITOR’S NOTE: Check out this issue’s backup to see how this fight plays out!” Oh boy! Can’t wait! *sets fire to my own head*

So this fight isn’t important at all? So I guess I don’t get to see the actual action happen in the main story of this Action Comics issue and it gets relegated as a side story? A little side-action you might say. Heh. OK, you’re the boss, Action Comics Issue #4. I’ll follow your lead.

The terminauts announce that preservation of the planet is now complete and irreversible. “Welcome to the collection”. The residents of Metropolis, including Lois, Jimmy, and Lex, seem to be encased in a bluish hue. Under the Dome, kinda. “Bottled. Preserved for all time.”

Superman is unnerved. He and the military personnel are outside of this bottled up Metropolis, all they see is a giant smoking crater in front of them. Superman, however, says he can still hear something. They’re not dead. But where are they? Lois Lane’s father approaches, asks if there’s a way to save her if she’s still alive. Among the ruins of the city in front of them, Superman says he has an idea. But he’ll need help.

Jesus Christ man, what is it with you people and needing to be, uh, “SAVED”, all the time???

AND THEN A NOTE SAYS THAT THIS IS CONTINUED IN ISSUE #7? WHAT THE ALMIGHTY GODLESS FUCK? Continuations in future issues? Backup storylines? Come on, Action Comics! You’re jerking me around here!

“Hearts of Steel”
Written by: Sholly Fisch

So I guess we’re taking a detour from the main story that will spill into Issues #5 and #6? Not very actiony. I guess we’re going to delve deeper into the Dr. Irons cat that designed and built the Steel Soldier suit? Snore.

We see a man working in a lab, and the first sentence of this narration is “All my life, I’ve been inspired by heroes.” GROOOAAANN. Wow, how banal can you get? This man likes nerdy scientist guys like Richard Feynman, one of those Manhattan Project guys. “Like Feynman”, he says, “I wanted to serve my country–and my world. I created Metal-Zero to protect the Earth against the possibility of alien invasion.” But then it all went to SHIT when Lex Luthor started poking his bald nose around, AS USUAL.

This man is John Henry Irons, he invented the Steel Soldier suit. But he calls it “Metal-Zero”. For alien protection. He’s named after John Henry, the album by They Might Be Giants!

Revenge of the nerds.

We go to the fight scene between Irons and Corben/Steel Soldier, which apparently could not possibly have happened during the main story when the fight scene actually occurred. Irons is like “I’M GONNA TAKE YOU DOWN!” and Corben is like “Beep Boop Your Motherboard Wears Bootloaders” and Irons is like “TIME TO TAKE OUT THE TRASH!” and Corben is like “Fzzzzt Whrrrrrrr Beep Hey Irons Your Ubuntu Linux Daemon Is Showing” and this kind of thing happens for quite a few panels.

“You attempt to shield yourself in steel. However, I AM steel — whereas you are merely flesh!” taunts Steel Soldier, hitting Irons right in his fleshy, easily-bruised ego. Irons makes Steel Soldier take pause when he tells him he already beat him two minutes ago. And he explains with fancy computer words like “terabytes” and “external U.S.B. ports” and “crashing your system”. What he did was infect him with a computer virus and then he smacks him with a hammer.

This John Henry Irons guy, I can tell you with 100% certainty that he absolutely does not fuck.

The smack with the hammer tears Steel Soldier apart into a fiery arc of broken metal bits strewn about the bridge. Irons approaches dominantly with the intention of deactivating the suit once and for all, but the alien entity that infected Metal-Zero has other plans. He basically says “I’ll get you next time, Gadget! Next time!” and then suddenly the suit, and John Corben, disappear into thin air.

The issue ends with John Henry Irons saying that there’s room in Metropolis for other heroes besides Superman.

Final Thoughts

I guess Irons is going to try to horn in on Superman’s action? Sounds like that might be what the next two issues will be about?

I’m torn so far on this story. On one hand, it seems a little too weighty with a lot of fucking shit going on at once (alien bigotry, alien viruses, plutocratic Glenmorgan endeavors, possessed metal suits, disappearing cities). On the other hand, impossible to predict ain’t it? Plus, the nonlinear storytelling is intriguing and convoluted in a good way? Plus, I like seeing a struggling Superman. I wasn’t really expecting him to get his ass handed to him more often than not so far.

The current story arc is now half over! What will become of Metropolis?? What will become of Lois Lane?? Are these terminauts like those shitty replicants in Stargate SG-1?? Who cares, I’m going to bed!