Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Action Comics (Vol. 2), Issue #6 – “When Superman Learned to Fly” • “Last Day”! Once again, two side stories that aim to flesh out more Superman backstory before we get back to the main plot. In the previous installment, we learn about the events that led up to Superman being launched alone from his exploding home planet, we see him crash land on Earth without a scratch, and we see Jonathan Kent and Martha Clark scoop the little pisser up and take him home. Some other stuff happens involving the time-travelling Anti-Superman Army in the Fortress of Solitude in the past and there’s not enough LSD in the world to help me comprehend any of that right now.

We also get an extended backstory of Jonathan and Martha’s failed attempts to conceive, which ends right before Baby Superman crashes in the field near the road their truck is stalled on.

I’m all for backstory! I love backstory! I don’t love time-traveling weirdos talking about green Kryptonite engines and tesseracts and sunstones and other hippie shit. Hopefully that stuff is kept to a minimum in Issue #6, but it won’t be. ACTION!

Action Comics (Vol. 2), Issue #6 [April, 2012]
Written by: Grant Morrison
“When Superman Learned to Fly”

Oh man, I don’t know how much more Action my mushy little Earth brain can take. A little man in a chair is talking to a large group about the big gray block on the desk in front of him that contains the green Kryptonite engine stolen from the Fortress of Solitude. Apparently, this little man can make the substance from this “limitless power source” that can kill Superman (or change him or make him horny or whatever you want).

He asks the Anti-Superman Army what they will give him in exchange. The Anti-Superman Army soldiers have speech bubbles that are the same colors as their eyes, and this may or may not be vital to this straightforward story! They all protest this little man’s devious tit-for-tat offer considering, well, they fucking took the engine in the first place. Where does this little guy get off! The little guy explains that he knows they are all looking for vengeance against Superman; it’s a common goal! He’s offering a piece of Kryptonite to each of them to do with it as they wish, all he asks is one favor from each of them: suck his dick! I mean, it could be. He trails off at that point and we move on to another scene.

Hey, I didn’t know Superman’s Fortress of Solitude was on some robot octopus floating around space. I thought it was, like, on a mountain? Am I stupid? Anyway, I guess we’re in the far past because a slightly miffed Superman is talking to the Legion of Superheroes, who just time-traveled and crashed his space pad with no warning. A Legion of Superheroes representative starts talking about tesseracts and the 31st century. She asks “The sunstone lattice is still alive and communicating, but without its K-Mineral power source?” and since only four of those words make sense to me I start glazing over and drooling. Superman calls someone “Cosmic Man” and another “Saturn Woman” and I start snorting, snapping me out of it.

The Moon Patrol is talking goofy talk again.

Again, I’m not in the right mood to attempt to decipher any of this blarney! Bottom line, Superman has a battery that these time-travelers need. Superman says he’s from five years in the future and has already seen the rocket in good shape, so he knows everything worked out and nothing’s wrong! Superman hands them a Duracell. Time for lunch!

But not so fast. There’s a real octopus hanging from the ceiling! Superman asks the octopus if he’s Erik Drekken. The octopus answers “HGMMBBLLBBLMMAH Heer R U UMMA OV 2morrow RACE !NOW!- GENis: ENCEPHalo SAPIENS tyrannus!” and I guess everyone including me is having a fucking stroke right now. What does this have to do with Martha Clark’s poisonous uterus??

On top of everything else, now we gotta deal with Cthulhu. SMDH

Superman starts beating up the cocksuckin’ octopus! Just punching it right in its squishy body. The Legion hangs back and starts commentating the fight, with one of them saying “We all know what happens next…you know why we returned to the past…THIS past…” Superman’s eyes are all aglow with fiery redness as he attempts to talk some sense into the big squelchy octopus. Needing its help or something like that.

Wrasslin’ dinosaurs! ACTION!

The octopus spits some alien dude out of its butthole and then Superman starts yelling at the alien. One of the Legion, meanwhile, figures out where the Anti-Superman Army is hiding (in the one place no one would ever look), and then Erik the Alien Dude turns into a dinosaur. And then Superman punches the dinosaur. I’m about ready to lose my fucking mind about all this.

After one of the Legion uses his lightning powers on the dinosaur, Erik is finally revealed for a second as some James Joyce-lookin’ nerd still talking crazy talk in his purple speech bubbles. He finally ends up turning into a worm, but the Legion Lady says she found the Kryptonite location in Erik’s memory.

Superman is concerned about all of Erik’s nonsensical babbling, something about the evil that’s inside of him. Legion Lady says this string of words: “Nimrod the Hunter used a teleport rifle to fire a microscopic lead pellet into your brain. The pellet’s hollow, and inside, there’s tesseract space big enough to fit 30 people”.

Good thing some time-travelers are around to know everything about everything!

Now, son, there’s a time and a place for backyard wrestling. We don’t want to start suplexing the bulls.

Flashback! Clark Kent’s a child wranglin’ bulls on the farm. He tells his pops that he’s been thinking a lot lately about that ship that brought him to Earth, thinking his real parents threw him away like the garbage that he is! Jonathan Kent assures him that, no way Jose! His real parents sent him away to Earth to do some good! Clark says “yeah you’re right!” and then asks his old man if he and Ma want to blast off into space with him if he ever has to go back. Jonathan Kent freaks out at the thought of ever travelling 2.5 miles away from his shitty farm, but then Clark reasons that he’ll never be going back anyway.

As we see a young Clark up in a tree shooting empty beer cans with his fuckin’ laser eyeballs, the Legion of Time-Travelling Dickheads is snooping in the distance. Present-day Superman is sensing this memory infiltration (or is it five-years-in-the-future Superman?), and the Legion informs him that this was the day they all met for the first time. The flashback shows the Legion giving him some super-secret decoder ring or something. The present-day Legion asks him if there’s anything is unusual about his memories, and Superman’s like “yeeeaaahhh, they’re unusual!”. I guess the lead pellet in Superman’s brain is affecting his memories, but he didn’t even know it was there because it’s unaffected by Superman’s magnetic detection abilities! Superman’s worried about this 30-person-lead-pellet expanding suddenly in his head, but the Legion tells him that none of these people want to be crushed by Superman’s impenetrable brain tissue! So they won’t. Now that Lightning Man has opened up a Time Bubble, and now that Legion Lady also has Erik Drekken’s tesseract key, she can sense her future self within the lead pellet within Superman’s brain! And Ho-Ly Shit I can’t fucking wait until this issue is done.

Next thing I know, the Legion Mofos pop into Superman’s brain to try to steal the Kryptonite engine back from the little guy that I still don’t know the name of. The little guy barely fights back and suddenly the engine explodes into shards of green Kryptonite. This makes Superman, uh, somewhat uncomfortable.

Gross, dude.

Superman tries to fight back against this unpleasantness, knowing that the ship needs the very same Kryptonite that’s currently killing him. Eventually, he breaks free of some purple Erik Drekken thing and is able to shove his hand into the ship. This gives the ship enough power to shoot the purple Erik Drekken thing with a beam of light. Somehow. I don’t know.

The Legion comes back and congratulates Superman for saving the past, which they always knew he’d do anyway, so never mind! Fuck it! They warp him away in a Time Bubble before the real present-day Superman returns. I guess. This story blows.

“Last Day”
Written by: Sholly Fisch

Yuck. OK, hopefully the backup story will make trudging through this wretched-ass issue worth it.

Clark Kent is drawn like Harry Potter. He’s selling his parents’ farm to some friend of theirs named Mr. Fry. After he gets the keys, he steps out for a bit to allow Clark to reminisce about the farm. And, oh man, does he ever reminisce all right!

You’re a wizard, Harry!

Lots of hootin’ and hollerin’ about all the antics Clark used to pull with his super powers. Kinda like the shit Harry Potter used to pull back at Hogwarts! Eh? Eh? Of course, there’s all the important lessons along with the way: “Bullies are bullies and you have to out-bully the bullies!” Stuff like that!

There’s also a memory where he’s playing with his friend Pete in the river or the creek or the sea or the fjord or whatever it is. Clark tells Pete he’s going to be a reporter, and Pete tells Clark that he’s going to “use his superhuman powers to secretly fight injustice” but then Pete remembers that he doesn’t have any super powers so he’s going to be a millionaire instead. Or work in his dad’s store. Clark boggles at him like a dummy.

And yet another memory where he’s hanging out with Lana Lang as a teenager on top of a barn. She’s drawn like a creepy, soulless Barbie doll. That’s about it.

GAH!  Put it away! Get it out of here! There is no God! Help!

Back in the present, Pete and Lana show up to take Clark to the train. After a bout of talking and goofing and joking and japing and talking and joshing and goofing and raping, they notice that Clark’s barely even present in the moment as he continues to stares at some photos on the wall. They leave him alone. He smiles at them. He takes one with him and joins his friends outside.

Final Thoughts

HOW GODDAMN TOUCHING, HUH? What a fucking tumor of an issue. Remove it from my life! The real story continues in Issue #7, and I’ll see you then.