Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Batman and Robin (Vol. 2), Issue #3 – “Knightmoves”! In the previous installment, Alfred is very concerned about Bruce’s fathering because he’s noticing little Damian is crushing bats to death with his bare hands, among other things. I personally think this kid is rad as hell.

Batman takes Robin to intercept a gun-running operation, leaving the gun-runners to hang for the police to snatch up. However, the guy who killed Russian Batman kills these gun-runners instead before the cops show up. We find out that this guy is named Morgan, and he’s quite unhappy with the way Bruce has been promoting his Batman brand around the world. I guess there’s some sort of mission that Morgan thinks Bruce is failing at, and he gives him a warning to cut it out! But we all know Bruce Wayne, he will never cut it out.

I hope Damian throws a TV dinner at Bruce’s head while they watch American Ninja Warrior.

Batman and Robin (Vol. 2), Issue #3 [January, 2012]
Written by: Peter J. Tomasi
“Knightmoves”

Bruce Wayne brought the dog home! “Seems the dane wants your attention, Damian” Alfred tells him, hoping to elicit a positive response from the troubled boy. “He’s been a constant nuisance since he arrived,” our favorite grumpy 10-year-old grumpily grumbles back. They’re both playing chess. Alfred tells Damian that this particular chess set has been in the Wayne family for over 200 years, and Damian quips that it’s almost as old as Alfred! I laughed at that! I think this kid is all right!

Bruce Wayne is scouring the perimeter of the manor, obviously a little spooked by the encounter with Morgan as he was picking up the dog. He’s perched like a fucking gargoyle on top of an actual gargoyle, garbed up like Batman with a ratty looking cape. Alfred and Damian’s chess game is an obvious metaphor. I’ve seen HBO’s The Wire! Although, that was about drug dealing, and this is just about watching your own back. “In this game you always need to be in four places at once–” says Alfred. Damian looks absolutely miserable in every panel. He’s cocky as hell about the game, but then Alfred puts the kid in checkmate and he loses his mind about it. I laughed at that too!

Go to hell, Bobby Fischer! We can’t all take 40 credits of Chess Lab at Butler University!

Finished with his surveillance, Bruce enters the room and puts the chess piece back on the board. He says he has outfitted all the gargoyles with human detection radar and other paranoia-induced implements. Damian is looking forward to finally tagging along on patrol after being SHOVED OUT for two nights in a row, but Bruce is SHOVING HIM OUT again for a third night. Damian asks him what the FUCK has gotten him so shaken up, and Bruce lets him know that he still needs to get a full picture of the threat. Until then, Opie is staying home!

Alfred/Bruce custody battle coming up soon. I’ll keep you all posted.

Bruce tells Damian to shut the fuck up and give the dog a name. Damian doesn’t even want a dog in the first place! He wants to patrol! He wants to beat up some bad guys! Bang bang shoot-em-up cops and robbers! Yeehaw!! The dog, Bruce explains, is a reward for showing a commendable amount of self-control. “Keep at it” he says to the boy, and departs.

Damian is all “screw THIS” and begins to don his Robin clothes. Alfred, alarmed, instructs Damian to honor his father’s wishes and stay home. Damian is all “screw THAT” and gets on his big-boy bike. He notices the bug that Alfred placed on the bike, flicks it off, tells him not to give up his day job, and speeds off. We see that there’s also a bug placed on Robin’s cape. “Don’t worry, Damian, I won’t” Alfred says, with a stern John Cleese face.

Out on the mean streets of Gotham City, a mugging is in process! I’m sure, at any given moment in Gotham City, 900 muggings are in process! But this particular mugging is the one that will be addressed. The male individual of the wealthy couple has just emptied his bank account at the ATM, but the two thugs aren’t satisfied! They want to be violent too! But then Robin swoops in to save the day! Before one of the thugs can even say a second sentence to ridicule the 10-year-old, Robin smashes the guy’s cellphone into his fucking face.

Durability, my ass! Steve Jobs is rolling in his grave right now.

The other guy, Robin kicks his knife-holding arm causing him to stab himself in the shoulder pretty badly. Robin rips the knife out of his arm while Thug #1 shoots about 40 bullets into his crime buddy. Robin throws the knife right through Thug #1’s shootin’ wrist. Then he starts pummelling the everloving shit out of his face. “I’m sure you didn’t leave your hole tonight thinking you’d get your ass kicked by a ten-year-old!” he yells as he brutally ruins the guy with his fists. This is all actually pretty graphic and disturbing! Little Robin is nuttier than pecan pie!

Morgan shows up to the scene dressed in his alter-ego outfit. I don’t think I know his villain name yet. “Finish him, Damian.” he instructs. Robin is taken aback and figures out right away that THIS is the guy that Bruce didn’t want Robin bumping into, especially not alone. Oops! Morgan observes, with an air of respect, that Robin has punched this guy completely braindead. Morgan delivers a finishing blow to the guy’s neck.

Robin is outraged: “THAT’S COLD-BLOODED MURDER!” he screams at him, as if he didn’t just supply his own version of a completely unbalanced punishment. “You’ve opened my eyes,” says Morgan, “given me a glimpse of Gotham’s future once I burn Batman Incorporated to the ground.” Morgan knocks Robin down on his back and then starts to imply that he’d like him to work for him, but then Batman shows up to ruin everything! Possibly because Alfred bugged Robin, Batman was able to find out where the little twerp was at any given moment! Which means it took him too long to show up! Maybe Batman stopped for ice cream.

Scream for me, Bruce. Scream all night long.

Batman and Morgan, they both go at each other, they stomp and smash and bash and crash and slash and bust and burn! They take turns kicking each others’ asses for a few pages, but then Morgan turns on some sort of sound machine from his palms that pushes Batman into traffic! He gets hit by a car!

Finally, Batman and Robin wake up disoriented and strapped to an abandoned car in an abandoned drive-in theater. Morgan is going to show them a movie!

Final Thoughts

Classic storyline here.

“I just want you to love me, Dad!”
“No.”
“My angsty disposition is the direct result of your shoddy parenting!”
“And?”
“And I’m going to start being deliberately stubborn and insubordinate! Time to go out alone and get myself in a pickle.”
“Son, look at the pickle you got yourself in. A pickle I now have to help you get out of.”
“I’m sorry for getting into this pickle.”
“I am also sorry you got into this pickle.”
“Pickle.”
“Pickle.”

Classic.