Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Batman and Robin (Vol. 2), Issue #5 – “Mutineer”! As in, an engineer of mutiny? In the previous installment, little Damian Wayne got an earful of parental disapproval from Bruce “Vilanch” Wayne. Now he is grounded! But Damian doesn’t want Bruce to tell him what to do! There’s a lot of this kind of fighting. Meanwhile, Alfred is the much better parent and Bruce should go back to not being a father just like in every other Batman series.

Morgan Ducard, the son of one of Batman’s mentors, hates the way Batman does things and he likes killing instead as NoBody. He tries to change Batman’s mind about his approach to crime fighting, but Batman is Mr. Morals and won’t budge. Damian, however, keeps killing bats and bugs and stuff like a little hellion, so NoBody has a better shot of bringing him over to the dark side. And that’s just what he’s going to do.

I outlined my prediction for the remainder of this storyline in the previous post, but I’ll do it here again: Looks like Damian’s going to the dark side for an issue or two, he’ll learn the error of his ways, he’ll come crawling right back to Bruce crying about how wrong he was, Bruce will jab him with an I-Told-You-So before they decide to team up as a real team and fight this villain. Respect will be earned both ways.

We shall see.

Batman and Robin (Vol. 2), Issue #5 [March, 2012]
Written by: Peter J. Tomasi
“Mutineer”

BATMAN BETRAYED! Check that cover, Damian’s got a new dad now, bitch! MUTINEER!

Bruce finds a note in the grass by his parents’ gravestones. “I had to leave. The lie is over.”

In Wayne Manor, in Damian’s bedroom, Alfred shows Bruce a sketchbook containing pages upon pages of Bruce and/or Batman getting killed. “…I’ve let my own son slip away…” Bruce laments, finally understanding the gravity of the situation. He’s a little less creeped out by drawings his son made of axes chopping his skull in half than I would think, but hey, I’ve got daughters! What do I know?

“We’re getting him back, Alfred. I won’t let him down again.” Bruce says, but dollars to doughnuts says that he will let him down at least once before this story arc is over!

Meanwhile, Robin is chillin’ with NoBody on some fuckin’ snake gargoyle thing. “You made the right choice, Damian.” NoBody says; he’s so proud of his new son! So springy and vengeful! Full of weird, murderous rage and aspergers!

I’m a kid, I can puke on command. Here, watch:

“Are you prepared to have your father as an enemy?” he asks. Robin declares that Bruce has always been the enemy, and that Alfred has been more of a father to him than that hoser ever was. NoBody confirms, one last time, that this kid is willing to be a little sociopathic asshole as needed. And it will be needed a lot! Robin is fucking ready, man.

NOT SO FAST, PUNK. NoBody doesn’t trust you completely yet, and he proposes a demonstration to prove your loyalty! Ha! And yet, never one to back off, Robin declares that it is NoBody that has to prove himself instead! “So far all I’ve heard up here is words.” Robin says menacingly. Better watch it, NoBody, it looks like Robin’s got that crazy glint in his eye. In five seconds he’s going to gnash at your jugular!

“If it’s action you want, then follow me.” NoBody tells him. Oooooh, sexy!

Back at Wayne HQ, Bruce and Alfred are in a giant room with a wall completely lined with screens. They’ve tapped into every single security camera in Gotham City! And Bruce tells Alfred that he’s too fucking busy and bored to stick around, so he’s leaving while Alfred can be stuck inside looking at 400 screens all night. They’re looking for any sign of Damian even though Alfred reminded Bruce that the kid was trained to evade camera detection. Bruce doesn’t listen and he leaves going “LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA I CAN’T HEEEEEEEAARRR YOOOOOUUUU”.

“Even the one I installed in the Macy’s women’s bathroom, sir.”

As Batman drives around he has a “MY SOOONN! MY SO-O-O-O-O-OONNN!”” inner monologue. He starts wondering why Damian was so willing to scurry on over to the dark side, and then takes the opportunity to finally blame himself for Damian’s shitty disposition. He wasn’t ready to tell his personal Morgan Ducard story then, and he’s sorry. He’s ready to tell it NOW though, which is funny because he’s still not fucking telling Damnian his personal Morgan Ducard story. He’s just telling it to himself again. Jesus Christ, Bruce.

So he starts telling his story to the comic book reading audience and not at all to his son who wanted to hear the story. As we all know, Morgan Ducard’s dad, Henri, was the most sought-after assassin in the world. However, one day he met a woman named Felicity Strode and he got a boner so big that he wasn’t able to think straight about assassinating anymore! Henri fucked a baby into this lady and now he has a family and that’s not a very good thing to do when you should be bounding around the globe assassinating motherfuckers! But, here’s the twist: Felicity Strode was an assassin herself who was hired by a terrorist organization that had lost men due to Henri. And Henri doesn’t know that. So that sucks.

Well then, Ducard ain’t so fuckin’ smart, is he? Assassinate yourself a clue.

BUT, along the way, even though it was Felicity’s mission to kill Henri, she instead fell in love with him and had a baby fucked into her and yada yada yada. She never revealed this secret to him. They lived happily ever after.

But not really, because when you play with terrorists you get the, uh…the whammy. Years later, the terrorists still wanted Henri Ducard dead. If they didn’t get from Felicity what they paid for, they were going to torture and kill her son. When Felicity agreed, over the phone, to follow through with the original plan, Morgan (who overheard the call) was all like “NOT TODAY!” and then he stabbed his own mother with a kitchen knife. From that day forward, Henri Ducard took his son under his wing and taught him the art of killing everybody everywhere all day!

While all this was happening, Bruce Wayne was cavorting around East Asia learning martial arts and whatnot. After that, his next stop was going to be France to find Henri Ducard (they hadn’t met each other yet). He had no such luck, that is, until Morgan popped up out of nowhere while Bruce was carrying some baguettes home from the store (natch!) and tried to murder the shit out him with a knife while Henri watched in the shadows. It didn’t work!

Ha! Can’t argue with that one.

Henri starts questioning Bruce with a gun pointed right at his head. Bruce tells him that he knows Henri and Morgan are tracking a terrorist named Hassan, and he’d like to be involved! For some reason! He asks them if they want an apprentice.

Years later, Bruce regrets this decision.

We finally cut again to Robin and NoBody, who are busy staking out an embassy where NoBody wants to whack an ambassador. NoBody declares the ambassador a slave trader, profiting off of human trafficking and coordinating the transportation of people across borders. YEAH, AND WHAT POLITICIAN ISN’T? Turn a blind eye, son! Robin is hostile and hesitant about assassinating some high-end political figure, but NoBody is like “do it anyway!” and Robin is all “ok, fine”. And then there’s a big, page-long montage of both of them infiltrating the embassy and knocking around security guards and employees like they own the place!

When they get to the ambassador, they successfully subdue the sweaty, balding urchin and knock him to the floor. Robin, with a look on his face like the ambassador is making him eat his vegetables, aims a gun at him. NoBody says “I told you you’d have to demonstrate that your newfound will is genuine. Now shoot him in the head.”

Final Thoughts

TAKE HIM DOWN, ROBIN! WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP!

I know I’m supposed to sympathize with Bruce Wayne in these comics, but man, fuck that guy sometimes! Robin should get adopted by this Morgan Ducard guy, and then stab him with a kitchen knife in 9 years when he least suspects it. Then he can traipse on down to Wayne Manor and stab Bruce and Alfred with kitchen knives. Then he can be the Kitchen Knife Bandit! Then he can get his own comic book series where he stabs a different asshole with a kitchen knife in every issue until he himself is finally stabbed with a kitchen knife in Kitchen Knife Bandit (Vol. 18), Issue #4.228 (“Knifed!”).

I guess what I’m trying to say is, Damian Wayne is the most interesting DC character I’ve come across so far in my incredibly short travels, and he’s going to be ruined in less than three issues with “morals” and “empathy”. Makes me sick!